Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: 'Philly Girl Fight." Tonight's commentator: Gawker's Caity Weaver, who just happens to be my favorite writer of all.
Without a doubt, the most disappointing thing about YouTube fight videos is that they glorify man (and animal)'s violations of the teachings of Jesus Christ.
Coming in at a close second is the fact that, all too often, these clips eschew carefully orchestrated opening cinematography in favor of opening in media res.
In this regard, Philly Girl Fight: Girl Get Hit So Hard That She Pee During Fight is a breath of fresh air.
We open with butter-smooth zoom-in shots of our two anti-heroines: one, a smiling, wiry girl whose perm is a few days past freshness; the other, a more stolid young lady with a distinct height and weight advantage.
The latter of these characters, who will become the star of the video by losing the fight, is shown removing her jacket.
A supervillain will be born this day.
As the camera pans around the latest addition to boxing's most hallowed venues (Caesars Palace; the MGM Grand; Madison Square Garden; the loading dock behind the Everything 99¢ Store), a young man in a wife-beater pops into frame as if to ref the fight. Clearly, no one is more excited for the fisticuffs than he. He probably led the chorus of "Ooooooooooh!" that spawned this brawl when one of the girls talked some mess at the other one in the middle of Sra. Fletcher's Spanish class.
The ladies ignore him. He has no authority here. Cover up that undershirt, boy. This is a time and a place for men.
As soon as the young women begin fighting (not in the invisible ring described by their classmate on the concrete, but in the far left of the frame), it becomes clear that the height and weight advantage of the one is no match for the windmilling punches of the other. It's like watching a housecat on its hind legs fight a professional boxer. It's like watching a sack of flour lurch off the counter toward a butterfly tossing knives.
There is hair pulling. There is face slapping. There are several flashes of tummy.
The bigger girl is fighting dirty, and still she cannot win.
All of a sudden, a dark patch blooms on her khakis. (I'll note, here, that Philadelphia public schools require their students to wear uniforms, and the distinct lack of plaid suggests to me that this is, indeed, a public school rumble.)
In that moment, a supervillain gets her origin story.
"Why are you doing this?" a young woman will yell, decades from now, as this girl, fully grown, backs her to the ledge of a skyscraper. "What happened to turn your heart to stone?"
And for a second, the villainess' eyes will lose focus. Her mind will flashback to just this moment: the ragged gasps for air, the warm wet in her pants, the jeering, jarring taunts of her classmates.
Then, just as quickly, the memory will pass. She will back her victim right up to the edge of the roof, where the sight of the steep drop makes the bottom of her feet tingle.
"*psh* BYE HATER!" she will yell. Then: a hair grab and a push.
In the video, the punches continue for a few more seconds. At one point, one of the two combatants - the spry one it seems - yells "Let go of my shirt!" though "Stop punching me in the face!" might have been a more prudent request.
Finally, the wiry girl lands a wicked punch right on her opponent's nose. That the shitty cell phone video registers the blow with a distinct *thump* tells you how loud it must have been. The bigger girl gets in one last scalp twist for good measure, but it's clearly over now. Her face is bleeding. She has peed her pants.
She runs away from her aggressor and hastens to re-fasten the three buttons at the neck of her blue polo, a lady to the very last. Her horde of spectators yell variations on the theme "YOU PEED ON YOURSELF," on the off chance this detail has escaped her attention. The video zooms in for emphasis. She wipes her nose and studies the blood.
She likes the way the red stains her fingers.
Next time, it won't be hers.
And now, the rest of the Tuesday Night Fights:
• There will come a time when ladies of Russian and Dominican descent co-exist peacefully. This time will not come when one wields race as a weapon. (Start of Violence, instantly)
• As the description of "Asian Chick fights Black Chick!" explains, "HAHA!!! DONT under-fucking-estimate us asian bitches. JAZ beat the shit outta Lataya! TALK SHIT GET HIT." Yo, TSGH, yo. (SoV, 0:13)
• A rather large gentleman gets kicked in the head and ridden to the ground. Then, he is judged. Harshly. Only Richard Simmons can help him now. (SoV, 0:15)
• The Highly Anticipated Ruthless Malaysian Girl Intermission:
• There is not a moment's doubt of who the victor of "crazy fight" will be. It's the lady in pink. Or magenta. Can't really discern the difference. Whatever. But what is in doubt is who, in fact, "is next" up on the maraudress's facebashin' schedule. One can only assume it is (s)he who controls the camera. (SoV, instantly)
• Jack Slater, a 14-year-old British schoolboy of no apparent relation to Christian, was at the mall when he saw a bunch of dudes fighting. He stepped into the fray to restore symbiotic order to the shopping experience. He is being lauded as a hero for this. (SoV, throughout.)
• Yes, this guy taps out of a street fight while a white guy says "nigga" repeatedly. (SoV, instantly)
• An Arabian Thievery Suspicion Becomes Knives-And-Sticks Brawl اللحن الفاصل:
• PRISON FIGHT! (SoV, 0:35)
• Maybe it's insensitive to post this "Hood Fight in tha 50s" from KC, Mo. this week even with the background that the fight was "over Facebook is Wat the rumor iz! I cuddnt help but to keep sayin oooowwww cause so many people was getting hit!" Sorry to both sensitivity and people who like HD. (SoV, instantly)
• As one would expect, there is quite a bit of raycess lingo in "KO THAT NIGGA." (SoV, 0:09)
• The Hooliganistic Commercial Break:
• From TNF Beijing correspondent Anthony Tao comes "Two Fighters Go A Full Round At A Sichuan Park" (SoV, instantly).
• The weekly Russian gangbang street brawl is particularly ceremonial and smoky this time. (SoV, 1:10)
• Your Oldie-But-Goodie Mexican Bodybuilder Brawl Flashback:
• Per "scotthomebuyer," who uploaded this gem to YouTube, "out-of-town Oklahoma State fans walk into a bar where some local Aggies are watching the football game. The Cowboys fans began taunting after the game, then demanded a cigarette from one of the friends of the Aggies who refused. A brawl ensued." (SoV, 0:20)
• The white bitches is winnin'! The white bitches is winnin'! We may have shared this one before, but I can't be certain. As such, I found it necessary to rehash. (SoV, instantly)
• Your Barefoot, Brawlin' And Wittily Subtitled Brazilian Boyfriend-Related Coda: