We're cheering for a particularly bloody Black Monday today. Almost every team is terrible! They all have such bad rosters! Fire everyone! We'll be updating here as the firings roll in.
2:20 p.m.: The Raiders didn't really do their part—head coach Dennis Allen keeps his job, for now—but they did junk offensive coordinator Greg Knapp and his zone-blocking scheme. According to the Chronicle's Vic Tafur: "Owner Mark Davis talked with McFadden at midseason about reaching out to Knapp and telling him what type of running plays he liked." Why, exactly, should the Raiders plan their offense around what Darren McFadden likes? He's healthy for two games a year, generally speaking. That'd be like never drinking milk because you have a lactose-intolerant great aunt who shows up every third Hanukkah. Oakland also fired their special teams, offensive line, and linebackers coaches. Lotta problems here.
1:20 p.m.: Oh, it's not a party until the Bidwills are involved! The Cardinals kicked both head coach Ken Whisenhunt and general manager Rod Graves to the curb. Ray Horton, their hotshot defensive coordinator, will get an interview there, although we're really hoping they'll consider looking into another former Cardinals coordinator, one with a little more head coaching experience. Remember when this team went 11-2 over 13 games in 2011 and 2012 with John Skelton and Kevin Kolb quarterbacking? Yeah. That was odd.
1:08 p.m.: So things slowed down a little. But not that much: The Chargers just announced that head coach Norv Turner and general manager A.J. Smith won't be back in 2013. Norv has drawn fans' ire for years and years for his general Norviness—the conservative play-calling en route to playoff losses—but the 2012 Chargers were a failure altogether different from his previous squads. San Diego's offense had ranked in the top five in points scored in every season since 2004. This year they ranked 20th. The Chargers had boasted a solidly positive point differential in every year since 2004. This year, after a Week 17 win, their differential sat at 0. That drop-off probably has less to do with Norv than with Smith, who let a handful of gifted skill-position players sign elsewhere while his offensive line crumbled spectacularly. Undrafted rookie Mike Harris starting at left tackle? Sure, why not? Assuming the Chargers can plug a few holes, and that Philip Rivers's 2012 was a bad outlier and not a sign of future struggles, they should be fine again next year. But Dean Spanos is right not to trust Turner and Smith to fix the problems they created.
12:10 p.m.: OK, we deserved a little break. The West Coast teams are priming their guillotines as we speak. In the meantime: Titans executive vice president and COO Mike Reinfeldt is gone. Said owner Bud Adams: "He had 2 years left on his deal but I thought we'd be better off without him. He is out." Major shade. But head coach Mike Munchak stays. That's no good.
10:58 a.m.: Two more mercy killings to throw at you: The Chiefs canned Romeo Crennel, and the Bills fired Chan Gailey. How'd these guys get their jobs, anyway? We will miss their old-man glasses. Chiefs honcho Scott Pioli, who's just as bad as Crennel but has a tidier Patriot Way pedigree, is safe for now.
10:46 a.m.: According to NFL Network's Ian Rapoport, Bears head coach Lovie Smith is gone. Now this, this is what I call a firing. Smith had a solidly above-average career in his nine years in Chicago: He went 81-63; he made the playoffs three times. But he could never get his coordinators in order. Every old coach named Ron or Rod or Bob or Mike spent a year or two in the jobs and performed fairly poorly. The Bears added a new general manager in January—Phil Emery replaced the long draft-challenged Jerry Angelo—and Smith, as part of the old guard, has to leave, even though he went 10-6 in 2012. It's not his fault the Packers have the league's best quarterback while the Bears paid a king's ransom for a lemon. Look at Chicago's losses: at Green Bay, home against the Texans, at San Francisco, home versus the Seahawks, at the Vikings, home against the Packers. Those are all good teams! That shouldn't be an actionable season! But it totally is! What a firing.
10:20 a.m.: We're getting a bit of a late start, so we'll do all the early firings in one update.
- The Eagles fired head coach Andy Reid, after something of an ordeal.
- Browns head coach Pat Shurmur is gone.
- So is Browns GM Tom Heckert.
- Jets GM Mike Tannenbaum is gone, but head coach Rex Ryan isn't.
- Jaguars GM Gene "Blaine Gabbert at No. 10 overall" Smith is no more.
These are pretty good firings. Not elite firings, though. Of course Andy Reid would be fired. He's a good coach, but cripes, he's been a goner for years now. Of course the Browns' management team would be. The personnel man hired by the last owner to assemble the Jacksonville Jaguars? Yep, he's an easy candidate. Mike Tannenbaum is really the only spicy decision, given that not so long ago the Jets looked like a likely 9-7 team with an outside shot at an AFC wild card. But, hell, if you heard that there was a man who traded for Tim Tebow and extended Mark Sanchez, you'd probably assume he was due to be fired.
We hope next time we update this post, that there will be some real, meaty firings. Give us Jason Garrett! Give us Scott Pioli! It's not even 11 a.m., and I'm already fed up with mercy killings.