Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: "Unbelievable street fight in Hollywood - Bro vs. Hipster." Tonight's commentator: friend of Deadspin Chris Kluwe, a sensible human who is scheduled to appear on tonight's Colbert Report. (Coming next week: Zodiac MF reviews what may be the most mesmerizing TNF ever, calls it "ONE OF THE FINEST VIEWING EXPERIENCES YOU'LL FIND THIS OSCAR SEASON.")
So, for whatever reason, I've been asked to comment on another shining example of humanity treating each other with kindness and respect. Sadly, that fell through, and this is about Tuesday Night Fights.
This one opens up with a standard Hollywood nightlife shot, although I have to wonder at the creep factor of randomly filming people from your apartment window. I think that violates some sort of rental agreement, unless you're in Venice Beach.
Anyways, there's some people hanging out in front of a newspaper store (they still sell those?) when all of a sudden BAM. EPIC BITCH SLAP. The guy delivering this ferocious blow has what I believe to be a mohawk mullet, or momlet, which naturally enrages his victim so much that he makes the internationally recognized symbol for a dance battle - rolling his hands in front of his abdomen while swaying back and forth.
A local harlot has no interest in the dance battle, however, and she engages in some light pushing with the Lord of the Dance, drawing the concern of a wandering bystander. Wandering Bystander takes possibly the most unathletic fall I've ever seen (bear in mind I've watched game film of myself) before getting back up and realizing he has episodes of Xena he could be watching at home.
Meanwhile, Lord of the Dance is now running down the street after Momlet, and I have to say, the view from the filmer's window is quite expansive. I feel like the entire wall must be floor to ceiling plate glass windows, perhaps with ornate scrollwork along the upper portions, behind which lies an intricate series of folding Japanese rice paper screens. Some have pictures of cranes mid-flight.
Anywho, at this point, Lord of the Dance is being restrained by a rather husky gentleman while Momlet inadvertently teabags Local Harlot. They have a *moment*, and Local Harlot decides to chill on the sidewalk; I can only imagine because it's cleaner than the inside of her dress. Husky Lad recruits another local passerby and leads Lord of the Dance away to more Xena reruns.
Unfortunately, the thought of Xena awakens Lord of the Dance's inner warrior princess, and he takes off back down the street to finally bring Momlet to justice in the most epic dance off since Thriller. Sadly, Local Harlot gets involved, and this beautiful expression of modern art devolves into a chaotic melee in front of some poor housewife's Prius, or maybe it's a Focus. I'm not really sure. Either way, she's not getting her groceries unloaded anytime soon.
At this point, it's basically a mess of random people punching at each other and squabbling on the ground in the middle of a busy intersection; fortunately (I guess) no one gets run over, though a wandering group of brosefs jumps and cheers as they wander past on their way to the nearest Affliction store. I'm pretty sure they get run over in the future.
Eventually it all winds down, and I have to say, I think we can all learn a valuable lesson from this - mainly, that whatever they're selling in that corner store is only 99 cents. I wonder if it's any good.
And now, the rest of the Tuesday Night Fights:
• Madchild bros scrappin' in Charlottetown, bro! Rawk! (Start of Violence, 0:35)
• Shirtless ponytailed bro in jorts got some rage in his heart, yo. (SoV, 1:02)
• AZERBAIJAN BROS STRONG LIKE FISH SWARM!!! (SoV, 0:15)
• Ukraine bros strong, but not as strong as AZERBAIJAN. (SoV, 0:03)
• Bullied Boy's Roundhouse Bully Takedown: Real or fake?
• Looks like someone got snagged stealing the diuretics in the models' dressing room! (SoV, 0:05)
• Closing time. Time for you ladies to go out in the Pacific Beach streets and fight. (SoV, 0:03)
• This one's called "MOUTHY CHICK RAG DOLLED OVER PARKING SPOT!" Not much to add to that assessment. (SoV, 0:33)
• This one comes complete with its own post-fight interview:
• Hockey-fight techniques on display in this driveway battle royale sans sound. Also, dude ass hangin' out. (SoV, instantly)
• A "Drunk Bar Fight" in the parking lot, complete with excessive purse swings and head kicks. (SoV, 0:12)
• Barefoot weave-removal, and Erica's unwillingness to listen to the corner guy, both play integral roles in this "fight night" parking-lot extravaganza. (SoV, 0:32)
• Dublin New Year's Street Brawl (Partially Scored By Jefferson Starship) Intermission:
• Our regular update from the 215 area code features a brawl in the mall where I hung out as a kid! The Cherry Hill Mall. A glorious place. A loving place. A safe place. But not anymore as two groups of mallthugs get all violent outside the Gap which, as memory serves, was right next to the food court where me and my buddy Baxter once met Randy "Macho Man" Savage. A sin that RMMS wasn't there to restore order last week. Those kids would've thought twice about acting up. H/T @_magowan for this. (SoV, instantly) Bonus Coverage: "In Philly, Even The Laundromat Attendants Are Fair Game For Angry Ladies" (SoV, all verbal). Bonus Coverage II: This here fight is called "phiLLy vs NY," and apparently happened at "LU." Could be Lincoln University, out in the Delaware Valley hinterlands. Don't know. Wasn't there. Wish I was. Cause if I was, phiLLy'd've won that shit. Represent (SoV, instantly).
• From TNF Beijing Correspondent Anthony Tao: "Doctors Might Need Bodyguards, If These Fights Are Any Indication" (SoV, 0:13).
• This is what happens when mother and daughter (in-law?) do battle over cell-phone possession or something like that. (SoV, 0:05)
• Mike Dreadz Doing WORK Intermission:
• Battlin' bros at the Blue Bird in Bloomington, buuuday. (SoV, 0:03)
• Fights and boobs in Rome, Jawjuh. (SoV, 0:05)
• Others: "Hallway Fight High School Seniors Fighting." "Mass brawl in 2013 - security service helps." "Brawl At Burger King." "Female Gang Members Fight At Taco Bell Over Gorditas." "Ghetto Street Hood Fight After School In Detroit 2013!" "COLLEGE DUDES FIGHTING OVER GIRL IN LIBRARY!" "Hawaii Fights." "Drunk Girls Fight."
• The Ladyface-Meets-Garage-Door Coda: