Baseball's Facial Hair Spectrum

This is it. The very least amount of hair a man can be covered in and still considered to have a mustache and the very most amount of hair a man can be covered in and still be counted among those walking upright and having moved on from dwelling in caves.

I am partial to Joba's because you can really appreciate the struggle each hair went through to get where it is today. Each whisker is just separate enough from its neighbor to give it a cheap, run-down-part-of-town kind of vibe. It is the Southie of mustaches. Werth's is clearly impressive—much more so than Joba's—but it feels contrived, superfluous. Like a letter added to a preexisting name that in no way changes the pronunciation.