Light Saber Vs. Magic Wand: WHO YA GOT?!

Tom:

Would you rather have: A light saber and live in the Star Wars Universe, a magic wand and attend Hogwarts, or the One Ring and live in Middle Earth?

The Ring is out for obvious reasons. You put it on and suddenly the Dark Lord Sauron can see you from afar and scare you half to death. And the ring turns you into a methhead. That doesn't sound like much fun. And while Middle Earth is certainly scenic, you're talking about living in what amounts to the Middle Ages. No TV. No Internet. Probably no hot water. It's a complete disaster.

Drew Magary writes for Deadspin and Gawker. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at [email protected].

That leaves the wand versus the light saber. They're not altogether very different weapons. We're assuming that having a wand means you are a wizard and that having a Light Saber means you're a Jedi. The wand would seem to be the more powerful weapon, allowing you to cast various spells simply by shouting out a pseudo-Latinized version of a normal phrase (e.g., arresto momentum, an actual spell used in Prisoner of Azkaban. Not exactly the most creative incantation). But if you have the Force, you can use a light saber in pretty much the same way, as Darth Vader does in Empire when he waves his light saber around and random shit starts flying and ruining Luke's shit. That was about the most badass thing ever.

A light saber is clearly the cooler weapon, even if perhaps it's not quite as useful. But while you might think magic wands look stupid, I should tell you that we got one of those phony Harry Potter wands for my kid for Christmas. The tip of it lit up when you pushed a button and everything. And let me tell you, holding that wand was cool as shit. I totally wanted lightning to shoot out of the thing. It's made from real dragon feathers! I'd give my soul for a working magic wand, just as I would for a functional light saber and the Jedi powers implied within.

This means the tiebreaker is between living in the Star Wars galaxy and living at Hogwarts: Traveling in spaceships and jumping into hyperspace versus secret passageways and magical Christmas feasts with all of your roguish British chums. The Star Wars galaxy is cold and unforgiving. Tattooine is a desert shithole. Hoth is frozen solid. The Dagobah system is a filthy swamp. Alien species and mutant gangsters are ready to kill you virtually anywhere you go. And even the nice places in the universe like Coruscant are lacking the kind of gritty neighborhood vibe I demand from alien worlds. I bet food trucks are banned there. Hogwarts is a warmer, friendlier, homier place, and plus, who knows what kind of trouble the Weasley twins and I could get into!

But the galaxy still wins. I mean, you can't pick a boarding school over an entire space cluster. That would make you a provincial jackass. I'll take the light saber and get on with it.

Now, down into the comment section for the your live funbagginess.