Australian Sportswriter Liveblogs 49ers Game, Discovers Just How Dumb Football Can Be

People in Australia are understandably excited about Jarryd Hayne, a former Australian rugby star who earned himself a roster spot on the San Francisco 49ers. Given that last night was his NFL debut, the Guardian had Australian sportswriter Matt Cleary liveblog the game for the folks in Hayne’s home country. If you’ve ever wondered how stupid football appears to people who are not familiar with it, let this liveblog provide you with some answers.

You should read all of Cleary’s entries if you have time, but my favorite ones feature him trying to understand why the hell there are so many breaks in the game:

Righto ... something of a break here in the Big Monday Night Football game between 49ers and Vikings, there was a timeout, I think. Anyway, the 49ers have the ball on their 34 yard line. Kaepernick goes backwards and flings it forwards a long way but to nobody. Good long throw. But not accurate. Second and 10.

[...]

Ha. Well. Funny game, National Football League, our Jarryd, after a golden run through the trials has some real bullets fired at him and comes up with a fumble on a wobbly punt by the Vikings punt man. Tomsula paces the line like he’s a bear in a cage and doesn’t like it. Vikings ball. They ... come up short of the line in the face of a wave of Niners D. Top D, D-men. And now we’ll have another break. Lot of breaks. No-one would get tired, this much is certain.

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And the Niners punt ... the punt returner gets hit hard. Top stuff. And there’s a break. Timeout.

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Righto – what’s doing, Monday Night Football game. Another break? Fair few breaks. Not exactly the Helsinki marathon in terms of aerobic exercise. But my it’s fast and physical.

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Kaepernick goes wide. And there’s another break. Everyone has a drink. My, there are some breaks. More breaks than Alcatraz. That’s a poor analogy. There were no breaks from Alcatraz. Or was there? Sean Connery made one in that silly film with Nicolas Cage in which Sean says: ‘Yes I will look after your Humvee,’ or something. Anyway. Niners are second and six and ... get a first down with a throw to Davis in the No85.

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Righto. Where are we? Having another break. Is it half-time yet? Do they need it? No one’s sweating. OK. Niners kick off ... and the ball sails over the endzone and into the ether. And the Vikings have the ball. And ... there’s another break. Top stuff.

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Carlos Hyde again. Can run, Carlos Hyde. He notches another five yards. Hasn’t been a break for a while. Surely we’re due. Kaepernick, sneaks ... no yards. The Niners are third and five .... 12 yards out from the honeypot. Oh, there we go. Timeout. Someone wants to explain the 8,000 moves in the play book again.

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Second and 10 now the Vikings. Teddy B ... flings it guts, nice pass. And they pick up 12 through ... someone. A huge man. And Teddy’s rolling his team downfield through Peterson, who makes one yard. Time for a break? Yes it is. A fellow is injured. A Niners man. And we’ll go to a break.

[...]

Time for a break.

Nobody tell poor Matt that he spent three hours watching about 11 minutes of actual football.

Photo via Getty

[ Guardian]