If you're a scandal-porn aficionado as I am, you are bound to be left wanting by Sports Illustrated's beyond-exhaustive expose of Oklahoma State football. It's a story that promises, in bold type, lots of shit that I like in a scandal: MONEY (follow the money!), DRUGS (I like drugs!), and SEX (the crucial element of any good scandal).
So it's disappointing to learn that the report essentially details your average Tuesday at a BCS school: coaches slipping money to broke players, players getting fake grades (no way!), 18-year-olds fucking each other (I'd be more scandalized if they weren't), and players smoking weed, the least controversial drug of the 21st century.
You call this a scandal, SI? HORSESHIT. This is only scandalous if you read Mitch Albom's Sunday columns without any ironic detachment. We need to establish firm criteria for what makes a sports scandal a scandal, so that we don't end up with another 53-part Yahoo series about the one time Steve Sarkisian took a player out to Applebee's. If you are a journalisty journalist hoping the sky opens up and rains Pulitzers on your serious reportage, please make sure that your scandal includes at least one (preferably more) of the following: