Deadspin: mlb.com blogs

The French Resistance

Leitch — Tue, 14 Feb 2006 14:20:18 EST

Deadspin readers who were with us from the very beginning of this quixotic enterprise might remember that we once had an unhealthy (and ultimately repetitive) obsession with MLB Blogs, their strange attempt to corral their online fan base by charging people to use a service that's free almost everywhere else.

Anyway, one of our favorite ongoing plotlines was the French blogger Pascal Uccelli, who was posting all kinds of off-color ramblings that evaded the MLB Blogs censors because, well, no one over there speaks French.

Anyway, he emailed us last night and to thank us "for having spoken on your site 'Deadspin' for my poems. He then paused to rant some more about MLB Blogs' censorship.

I thank you for having denounced the censure of which I am victim, of another people are it also, MLBlogs will not have our skin, I will continue to publish on their site, in French, I will continue to speak about my blood, my beer, my penis, my life, of my bets, my lost money.

We will never tell anyone not to write about their blood, their beer, their penis or their bets, so we accept Pascal's invitation to promote his new site, l' criture sans calmants. Beware, readers.

l' criture sans calmants
The French Connection [Deadspin]

Louie DePalma Would Be Proud

Leitch — Fri, 23 Dec 2005 11:00:56 EST

Our friends over at MLB Blogs aren't really good for much — Tommy Lasorda's blog offers no real insight on the recent Dodgers signings (aside from a photo of Lasorda standing next to Nomar Garciaparra), and Mark Tremonti had nothing to say on the Johnny Damon situation, even though the two are next-door neighbors. But kudos to Inside Pitch, which not only posts regularly, but actually breaks news. The site is operated by a New York City cab driver, who's been giving up-to-date info on the transit strike — including the news yesterday that the Transit Workers Union was recommending a return to work. It's like we always say: You want to know what's going on, you ask the cabbie.

On Strike [Best Blog]

Oh Oscar, Oscar, Oscar ...

Leitch — Fri, 16 Dec 2005 16:15:59 EST

Time to check in with our old friend, MLB Blogs. Well, we see that they've gone institutionally insane. Interesting.

Jack Klugman is now blogging. And not about baseball, really — just hawking his book on Tony Randall, and telling Jackie Gleason stories. Actually, he's podcasting Jackie Gleason stories, and there's a sentence we'll bet you never thought you'd read in a sports blog. Or anywhere. So, for the record, now appearing on MLB Blogs: Mark Tremonti, Jack Klugman, Elton John's road manager ... you can almost hear the crack of the bat and smell freshly cut outfield grass, can't you?

Klugman's Korner [MLB Blogs]

MLB.com Is Rocking Your Genitals Off

Leitch — Mon, 21 Nov 2005 15:00:10 EST

In one of those stories that are almost too much for our weak dispositions to handle, it appears that MLB.com has hooked up with its real world equivalent in hipness: Scott Stapp! The former Creed lead "singer" is doing an early sale of his new "album" exclusively on MLB.com. This is like learning that A.C. Green and Kurt Warner are actually really good friends.

It's all quite great. Stapp's album is called "The Great Divide," which we'll leave along for right now. MLB.com features Stapp playing an acoustical set at "MLB.com Studios," screaming incoherently while wearing a stocking cap and a T-shirt that says — and we're not shitting you here — "Music Is The Weapon Of The Future."

Just to reiterate for you:

NHL.com: Elisha Cuthbert.
NBA.com: Flea.
MLB.com: Scott Stapp.

And they said baseball fans were all dorks ...

Scott Stapp: "The Great Divide" [MLB.com]

(Big thanks to Gaslamp Ball for pointing this out to us.)

Tommy Lasorda's World Still Quiet, Full Of Penne

Leitch — Tue, 15 Nov 2005 16:15:53 EST

The Los Angeles Dodgers are very close to hiring a new general manager, the team leaning toward current assistant GM Kim Ng or assistant San Francisco Giants GM Ned Colletti to succeed Paul DePodesta, according to the Los Angeles Times.

Of course, in the latest post over on his blog at MLB Blogs.com, Tommy Lasorda is all over the story.

"The close of the season came yesterday, as the Chicago White Sox beat the Houston Astros in the World Series. I would like to thank the 74 million fans across the country, and around the world, who attended a ball game this summer. I hope you enjoyed the season as much as I did."

Wait, sorry. Our first graph was incorrect. What we meant to write was that the blog Dodger Thoughts is all over this story, while Tommy Lasorda remains a worthless tub of goo who has become a sad, pathetic parody of himself. Yeah, we often mix up those two thoughts.

But we kid Tommy. Actually we'd love to have him over for dinner and hear the story, that he loves to tell, about how he would pitch to Jack Clark all over again if he could.

Tommy Lasorda's World [MLB Blogs]

Welcome To The MLB Blogs Animal Farm

Leitch — Thu, 29 Sep 2005 13:49:35 EDT

MLB Blogs, your crimes are many — just the Tommy Lasorda blog alone would make sure no jury would acquit you of anything. But we thought that even you wouldn't stoop to this. They've taken a small dog, you see, and formed an MLB Blog around it. Look! The dog is writing about baseball! And using doggie phrases such as "Hardly the pick of the litter" and "makes me want to lick 'em." (Aren't they supposed to ban phrases like that?)

Apparently in MLB Blogs World, dogs can type. And form abstract thoughts about the American League West. Well, they can't. And do you know what? Bears don't really talk like Phil Harris.

And now, look — elsewhere on MLB Blogs, we're supposed to think that the Angels' Rally Monkey is blogging. That's it, we've had it. We are never coming back. MLB Blogs, it's been fun, but we're starting to see fleas.

Joey Bolognese [MLB Blogs]
Monkey Business [MLB Blogs]
Tommy Lasorda's World [MLB Blogs]

MLB Blogs Steamrolls The French

Leitch — Tue, 27 Sep 2005 12:07:30 EDT

You think that you live in America, land of the free, where a kid can grow up to be anything he wants to be, and home loan fixed equity interest rates are still available at a low 5.23 percent. But exactly how far do our freedoms extend?

Freedom of speech, for instance. There is no telling where the ugly hand of censorship will be raised — we know this well, as our MLB Blog was jerked off of their site after a scant eight hours of life, owing to certain references to the National Socialist Movement.

But exactly who are the brownshirts here? Bud Selig's thugs have now gone too far, extending their icy tentacles into the MLB Blog l'ecriture sans calmants — Pascual Uccelli's brilliant treatise on baseball, degenerate gambling and raunchy sexual acts, written entirely in French. Witness this recent foul censorship, with our translation:

"je n'ai plus envie de **** que tu caresserais dans le **** d'une autre ..."
"I do not want any more of **** which you would cherish in the **** of another."

Of course, it took the MLB codebreakers about three months to catch on and begin slapping in asterisks. We wonder who the poor schmuck is who drew the assignment of translating the blog and searching for swear words? As always however, we are one step ahead. We've discovered that Uccelli's blog is also available here, where, with our translation, the truth unfolds: "I do not want any more of the cock which you would cherish in the vagina of another." You're welcome, America.

l'ecriture sans calmants [MLB Blogs]
MLB Blogs Staff Sees All [Deadspin]

MLB Blogs Staff Sees All

Leitch — Mon, 26 Sep 2005 15:56:13 EDT

Earlier, we finally got fed up with watching MLB Blogs from the sideline and just started our own, mostly out of curiosity for what words and phrases we could get away with putting up there before the Selig Army went after us. We titled our page the same as a rather famous loathsome manifesto — it was that or something involving NAMBLA; it was a tough decision — and figured it would be days until anyone noticed.

It took about an hour. Not only is the title of our page now asterisked out, so is "National Socialist Movement" and, staggeringly, the actual word "Deadspin." (Sweetly, they let us keep our link.) We don't know if it's just us or not; anybody else out there had Deadspin all covered up in Bonds asterisks?

But yeah: We're impressed with the search monkeys over there at MLB Blogs. And at least they let us keep "Blackberry Cobbler."

Whammy's Blackberry Cobbler [MLB Blogs]

(UPDATE: They've now taken down our site all together. Best five bucks we ever spent!)

Let's Get Some Life In This Joint!

Leitch — Mon, 26 Sep 2005 12:10:14 EDT

Even though there's only a week left in the regular season, MLB Blogs still wants you to sign up for a blog on their site. It says so, right up there at the top of their homepage. And coincidentally, we have just 24 hours to foolishly spend $4.95, sort of like in the plot to the movie Brewster's Millions.

So let's go start an MLB Blog! Come on! Who's with us?!

(Sound of crickets).

Fine. We'll go by ourselves.

MLB Blogs [MLB.com]

Brian Kamenetzky Gets Lost

Leitch — Fri, 23 Sep 2005 13:15:25 EDT

Brian Kamenetzky is a man of many talents. He has a new book (Fishing on the Edge, written with his brother Andrew), he's a regular contributor to ESPN Magazine and ESPN's legendary Page 2, and he has an MLB Blog.

In his latest blog entry, Kamenetzky ponders the big questions. Specifically, which baseball teams would be the favorites of the cast members of the TV show Lost?:

"Kate (Evangeline Lilly) — She's young, she's hot, she's gonna be good for a long time. You'd think by looking she wouldn't be helpful, or couldn't do any damage, but lo and behold, she kicks serious a**. Her Team: The Cleveland Indians — They're young, they're hot, and they're gonna be good for a long time. You'd think by looking that they might not be helpful (okay, I picked them to win the division), or at least you would have thought that 40 games into the season. Lo and behold, they can do a ton of damage, and kick some serious a**."

You know, we find it pretty amazing that Kamenetzky couldn't sell this to Page 3.

Brian Kamenetzky's Full Count [MLB Blogs]

Tommy Boy Returns!

Leitch — Thu, 22 Sep 2005 13:50:05 EDT

World Deadspin Headquarters — usually a dank, gloomy sort of place, not unlike Dracula's castle or the DMV — feels like Disneyland today. That's because Tommy Lasorda is back at the controls of his MLB Blog.

We can hardly contain our excitement. Tommy, who is supposed to be running the site's signature blog, has been missing since July 27 — a 56-day absence which had us imagining all sorts of gruesome scenarios. But he's back, and falling all over himself apologizing.

"I've missed communicating with you; I've missed talking baseball with you, especially in the midst of the pennant race; I've missed hearing from you; I've missed blogging."

Damn it, we promised ourselves we weren't going to cry. Where was Tommy? Well, for three of those days he joined Gloria Estefan, Andy Garcia, Jimmy Smits and Daisy Fuentes on a "goodwill relief tour" of three shelters in Baton Rouge and Biloxi. The practical reasons for this trip are unclear — apparently they just showed up and glad-handed the populace. No gaudy displays of charity for Tommy, like bringing the folks some food or something. Because, you know, there are other kinds of nourishment:

"We lifted their spirits and preached the message of never quitting. We made sure they haven't forgotten how to laugh. Laughter is the food for the soul, if you can laugh, you can forget all your problems. In fact, to make sure of that, I led a congo (sic) line as Gloria sang."

Sweet Jesus. Would it be insensitive here to say that we'd prefer the hurricane?

Tommy Lasorda's World [MLB Blogs]

The English Patient

Leitch — Wed, 21 Sep 2005 12:17:45 EDT

Far be it from us to get all Alistair Cooke on you — we make mistakes too, after all — but it's time something was said. The English language is not a toy, and spell-check was invented for a reason. Yes, we're referring to you, MLB Blogs. And specifically to you, Matthew's Nation.

A recent post: "The problem is simple, Boston needs to look at their ballpen and fix it. It horrible and if they want to win another championship this year, their ballpen has to come threw. "

And: "This article by Sean McAdam which I like him with WEEI's sport cast in the afternoon however, I must dissagree with the theme of the article because both pitchers are different in their own right."

Our duty is clear: to invade Matthew's Nation and restore grammatical order. It won't be easy. We know what we'll find when we get in there — sentence fragments littering the landscape. Nouns and verbs at each other's throats. Unnecessary commas whoring themselves on street corners ... get away from that sentence structure, it's gonna collapse! ... We have to hurry. Because even Frankenstein is reading Matthew's Nation and saying: "This not make sense."

Matthew's Nation [MLB Blogs]

Anarchy Reigns At MLB Blogs

Leitch — Tue, 20 Sep 2005 11:38:05 EDT

Has anyone seem Tommy Lasorda? We're starting to get a little worried — he's supposed to be running the flagship blog at MLB Blogs, but hasn't posted since July 27. One imagines his tan Sierra found abandoned in Laurel Canyon, the driver's side door hanging open suspiciously and a trail of fast food wrappers leading into the woods.

And Casey Stern, your host on Under the Lights, hasn't posted an MLB radio spot since August 26, and hasn't blogged since July 22. In fact, there don't seem to be any adults on the premises at all, leaving MLB bloggers to run wild, posting crap like this. And this.

Anarchy reigns. You kids knock it off and go to bed!

Tommy Lasorda's World [MLB Blogs]

The French Connection

Leitch — Mon, 19 Sep 2005 11:20:32 EDT

We've been following the MLB Blog l'ecriture sans calmants for some time now, and we have to say, we're a fan. We love the fact that it's written entirely in French. And we love that the author, Pascal Uccelli, seems to be a hopeless and inept gambler (allow us to translate):

"The Giants the Sox the Cardinals the Brewers the Jays the Tigers all lost, my balance is low."

We love that his typical post is becoming more and more like a screening of The Aristocrats:

"I do not want any more of my cock which you would cherish in the vagina. I do not want to kiss to lick to be juicy."

We also admire his devotion to the art of motion pictures ("Depardieu affirms that it has not drunk any more for six months") and to world politics ("UNO could seize Iranian nuclear file.").

But most of all, we love the fact that MLB.com is oblivious to the whole thing. It's in French, after all, and to translate it would take effort. Here's to you, Pascal Uccelli. Longs de phase et prosp rent!

l'ecriture sans calmants [MLB Blogs]

Welcome To Phoenix. We Hate The Home Team Here

Leitch — Fri, 16 Sep 2005 12:25:19 EDT

Baseball blogs come in a few basic varieties. You have the committed fan (Bleeding Pinstripes), the starry-eyed kid (Look Who I Just Interviewed!) and those who have given up entirely and abandoned all perspective and self-respect (I Am Begging the Cardinals to Win the World Series).

But rarely do you see one like Diamond Hacks, an MLB Blog which seems to exist solely to mock the home team. Indeed, Diamond Hacks' logo is an Arizona Diamondbacks trash can. Every post is a vitriolic hate letter to the Diamondbacks, with most of the author's venom reserved for one unfortunate "Diamond Hack" in particular:

"The stadium roof retracts in less time than it takes Shawn Green to fully uncoil his gargantuan uppercut, complete with overblown wiffleball style hitch. The Almighty Swing is so time consuming that it uniquely requires Arizona's RFer to commit to his next looping arc while still finishing his backswing from the previous pitch."

So disgusted is our blogger that he sometimes even turns the gun on himself:

"Welcome to DiamondHacks, where I, an idle, arguably friendless "loser" pontificate ad nauseum on all things Diamondback. I genuinely feel sorry for you for being here — couldn't you be advancing a meaningful relationship, or at least mowing the lawn?"

Diamond Hacks [MLB Blogs]

Charting The Stars With Andrea Mallis

Leitch — Thu, 15 Sep 2005 16:00:51 EDT

Are you a professional athlete? Are you seeking balance in your life? Is Venus entering Scorpio in your house of partnership? Well, you probably need the services of a qualified sports astrologist. If only we knew where one could be contacted.

Wait! We're in luck! Andrea Mallis is a professional sports astrologist with her own MLB Blog. She's charted the stars for the stars since 1983 and has appeared on ESPN's Baseball Tonight, SportsCenter, and ESPN's vaunted Page 2. And now she has a site on MLB Blogs. Come on in, the stargazin's fine!

If you're a pro athlete, and your planetary configurations are in need of a tuneup, this is obviously the place to go. Among other things, Mallis claims to have predicted the Boston Red Sox's 2004 World Series triumph. Samples of her readings include those of Barry Bonds: "Bonds is a dramatic Leo — a sign of oversized egos — who needs to rule the roost." And then there's this, on Mike Piazza:

"Currently on the DL with a broken hand, Mike's mid-life crisis has begun — a time to let go of whatever has outlived its creative usefulness. Neptune (planet of confusion) is also in challenging aspect to Mars (energy), springing a leak in Mike's physical energy."

Yeah, we feel that way sometimes.

Planetary Pitch [MLB Blogs]
What's In The Stars For Superstars? [Page 2]

Today In MLB Blogs

Leitch — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 12:59:55 EDT

Zack Hample is quite insane, of that we're certain. He has close to 3,000 baseballs in his house, from 40 different ballparks. So obsessed is he that he's even posted a map of Costa Rica on his site, with arrows pointing to the exact site of the Rawlings baseball factory. We know he's planned his advance on that factory, just as Patton did in Sicily. Monty must not beat us to Turrialba!

But there are also other, less frightening items on Hample's MLB Blogs site, such as his list of MLB jerks. Among them, Rick Reed, Marvin Freeman, Hector Villanueva and Barry Bonds (Hample says he once witnessed Bonds leaving a dozen kids waiting outside his stretch limo for an autograph, then told them to "chill" and left without signing).

And, of course, no list would be complete without John Rocker.

"Shea was an interesting place when the 1999 Braves came to visit. Rocker cursed at fans. Rocker spat (from a distance) at fans. Rocker gave 'the finger' to fans. Rocker threw balls AT fans. Rocker grabbed his crotch at the entire bleachers section. (Perhaps, he was irked by the homemade sign that said "ROCKER LIKES COX.")"

The Baseball Collector [MLB Blogs]

Today In MLB Blogs

Leitch — Tue, 13 Sep 2005 13:44:34 EDT

We don't mean to pry, really, but we can't help but find Baseball Strategies a little strange. First off, it promises "daily insite" (sic) into the game of baseball direct from San Diego Padres scout Branden Moskwa. But for a guy who supposedly works inside the game, he sure is, well, kinda into gambling a lot. Each of his posts are sponsored by Oddjack benefactor Bodog, and the guy keeps giving odds and suggestions on bets in his posts. Either the MLB rules on gambling have been loosened dramatically, this guy doesn't really work for the Padres, or some shit is going to eventually hit the fan, once people find this site. So here it is!

Baseball Strategies [MLB Blogs]

Today In MLB Blogs

Leitch — Mon, 12 Sep 2005 12:20:49 EDT

Dan Rivkin has a couple of things going against him — he's a programmer of some sort at MLB.com, and he's a Mets fan. Poor dope.

With those two strikes against him, we know we're all rooting for Dan to get away from it all for a little while and forget his troubles. But no such luck. Even though he's currently on his honeymoon in Australia, his company is still making him work.

Dan is being forced to write a blog about the New York Mets, even though he's at the furthest point on the globe from his actual subject. And on his honeymoon ... did we mention that? We're pretty sure his wife did.

We give the marriage about two weeks, by the way.

Oz-Fest [MLB Blogs]

Today In MLB Blogs

Leitch — Fri, 09 Sep 2005 12:34:57 EDT

For a while in the sixth grade we pretended we knew French — but in reality it was just that one line in the Beatles song "Michelle" that we memorized and repeated to impress our friends. Apparently the folks over at MLB Blogs never even got that far. The Expos are long gone, after all, so why should they bother?

Here's why. In their recently updated blogs section, we found a blog entitled L'acriture san calmants, which we're pretty sure is French. A quick check at BabelFish gives the following translation: The Writing Without Calming.

The entire site is in French. And of course Google has a translation function, so we entered the blog name and it translated the entire site into English. They appear to be mostly poems. Here are a couple for your enjoyment, after the jump:

this night I will not shake it without the cock I will not put hours for to write this poem I will not try to return the vibro in my bottom I will not answer the mail I do not go to regret having to play

And ...

Twins again beat Boston
its right groin
is irritated
by the piss

it is 10 hours and half I should perhaps take again a tablet of "CORAMINE"

and, more than once:

I will shit. I return.

Let's see how long it takes the crack team of Navajo codebreakers over at MLB.com headquarters to figure this out. And just when they do, let's all log on and start cursing in Portuguese.

L'acriture san calmants [MLB Blogs]