A nice gentleman named Greg sent this in to Josh at With Leather, who accurately points out a rather striking resemblance between the young Collinsworth and Wooderson from Dazed and Confused, and all of us sports fans owe Greg and Josh a debt of gratitude for this one. Here, in all its glory, is a halftime segment on the fabulous single life of NFL players from an early 80s Monday Night Football telecast. Watch Cris Collinsworth gyrate on the dance floor to the funky sounds of The Pointer Sisters and detail to Terre Blair just how big of a twatty baller he is:

I'm not gonna deny it, I walk around with hundred dollar bills hanging out of my pocket...I like girls that aren't too bright because you can trick 'em a little bit...high school girls love me. Fourteen to eighteen, I'm a big star with them. As soon as they mature, after they turn 18 years old, they start to figure it out.

Yeah.

This is truly one for the ages ladies and gentlemen, something that would NEVER make it to the air these days and, if it somehow did, would probably earn Collinsworth a nice little fine, suspension and a Mea Culpa interview with Oprah, Larry King or James Brown. Enjoy...

And again, big ups to Greg for sending this gem to With Leather. Look me up up if you're ever in New York Greg. I'd like to buy you a beer or six.

UPDATE: Read Cris Collinsworth's apology here.

I can't believe that I'm surprised about David Ortiz doing steroids. But I'm surprised that David Ortiz did steroids.

You'd think every baseball fan on Earth right now would be more or less numb to the idea of a player being outed as a roider. Ah, but once again, we find that Red Sox fans believe they and their team poop sunshine and live on some sort of magical, negro-free cloud in the heavens. Oh sure, they expect a team like the FACKIN' YANKEES to have roiders. But not the precious Red Sox! They're different! Special! They'd never violate the bond they have their legendary fans, who have been known to keep entire city grids powered simply with the strength of their hearts!

You listen to me, you fucking retards. You're just another bunch of asshole fans rooting for another asshole team. And the fact that you think you're somehow above all that is what makes you utterly insufferable. I hope it turns out the Jason Varitek took HGH in 2004 and once killed a child in a drunken lawnmowing accident.

Lest you think I'm exaggerating about the self-importance of Red Sox fans (I can't believe I had to hear about this on my Blackberry in the sky!), there's this delightfully insane article in the Globe today about just how DEVASTATED they are by this. Look at that chick in the Globe's photo. She's gonna cry! What a loser. Here's the headline:

For legions of fans, a magic spell is broken

NO! NO! The enchantment has worn off! Quick, find all the juniper berries and hearts of cedar you can find. We shall produce a spell that will bring back our precious innocence!

The news struck like a thunderclap

MY WHOLD FACKIN' WARLD JUST GAWT RAWKED!

a bolt that shook fans to the core and bruised their fondest memories.

Oh, no! My precious memories! They've been sullied! Unclean! Unclean! Shouting FACK THE YANKEES will never be as sweet as it once was!

David Ortiz, the legendary Red Sox slugger adored by legions of fans, had reportedly used performance-enhancing drugs, a cruel revelation that left countless fans adrift and disillusioned.

"Now I don't believe in NOTHIN'! I'm going to law school!"

The scourge that has hung over the game for years, sullying many of the game's brightest stars, from Barry Bonds to Roger Clemens, had now claimed one of Boston's own.

No! Not here! I NEVER IMAGINED IT COULD HAPPEN HERE, EVEN THOUGH MANNY ALREADY TESTED POSITIVE!

He was a hero to a lot of us, and now it feels diluted, somehow,'' said Chris Healy, 48, of Norwich, Vt., pausing as he walked to the park with his two sons. "It just doesn't feel good."

Seriously, man. You're 48 years old. Take a look at this card of Ortiz with the Twins. Do you really think he got that big merely by eating arepas?

Others were disappointed, even crushed, but put up a brave face, saying they always suspected something was amiss. Even if they wouldn't let themselves believe it.

"The kid in you wants you to hope it's not true,'' Kevin Murray, a 35-year-old from Millbury, said between bites of an Italian sausage outside the park. "Even if you knew it all along."

Well, then the kid in you is wicked… you know…

"They just aren't as golden anymore,'' said Meghan Stipkovich, 31, heading to Fenway Park yesterday afternoon with her husband and 1-year-old daughter. "It's disheartening. We put them on such a pedestal, and it's tough to hear. Just very sad.''

You get the idea. All through the article are testimonials from fans who suspected Ortiz was a juicer (because Boston fans are so perceptive, you see), but refused to believe it because they're all innocent little fawns at heart. I promise you the Simmons article on this next week will include this stand-alone paragraph:

"But not Papi. Papi was different."

He's not. He's just another ballplayer trying to get ahead. And Red Sox Nation is just another group of shitheads wearing pink hats. Keep crying those delicious tears, gang.

FREE REIGN
You know a band blows when their press photo shows them all wearing matching Affliction t-shirts. Whatever Leonard Davis is doing with this band almost certainly defines the opposite of keeping it real. You can sample some of the band's musical afterbirth right here. But I wouldn't recommend it.

Listening to Free Reign gave me a newfound appreciation for Puddle of Mudd. Colombo sings about as well as he pass blocks. The worst part is that, like any nu metal singer, he sings as if he's saying some REALLY DEEP SHIT. Oooooh, look at me! I'm baring my tortured soul! EXPERIENCE MY WHITE PAIN! Let's sample the lyrics, shall we?

You listen to no one but you, taking you further from the truth!

Oh, that is so directed at Jason Garrett. Any time I hear an amateur band on MySpace (and who among us has not occasionally been forced to click on a CHECK OUT MY BAND! link from some asshole?), I always think back to the Visiting Day episode of The Sopranos, when the engineer goes off on the lead singer of the shitty band Adriana likes:

Where are the fucking choruses? All your songs, you got no choruses. Your choruses are basically just another verse. I mean, what happened to "She Loves You", huh?… Started with the chorus. There is structure. That's how you build a song.

It's amazing how many times you listen to some shitty band's demo and there's nothing there resembling an actual song. You might think a band like Puddle of Mudd sucks, but at least they bother to have things like verses and choruses and bridges in there. They're all shitty, but they're there.

CHICKENFOOT
I'll happily admit that I enjoyed the album "5150" back when I was a kid. "Dreams" is still in my library. I bought every Van Halen album up to "Balance," which is much further than most people were willing to go. My brother even went so far as to buy all of Sammy Hagar's solo albums, even the ones that didn't have "I Can't Drive 55" on them. Ever hear "Three Lock Box"? Don't.

Anyway, time has borne out that the Hagar portion of the Van Halen catalog has aged about as quickly as your average issue of Sports Illustrated. So when I heard that Hagar was forming a "supergroup" with guitarist Joe Satriani, bassist Michael Anthony (the Bob Golic of hard rock), and RHCP drummer Chad Smith, I knew it had fantastic potential for sucking. And holy shit, does Chickenfoot suck.

Everything about this band is fucking terrible. Their name is awful (how is Buckethead not a member?). Their logo is somehow even dumber. As for the music, you can sample it here. Hagar sounds old. He's basically Jimmy Buffett now. I bet Jimmy Johnson loves playing this shit at his swinger boat parties. Lyrics!

OH YEAH!
C'MON BABY TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT!
OH YEAH!
C'MON BABY TELL ME WHAT YOU NEED!

/bobs head, bites bottom lip

This is a terrible waste of Satriani, who long ago competed with Steve Vai for the title of "Best Hair Metal Guitarist To Use His Guitar To Kind Of Sing Lead Vocals." As shitty as Chickenfoot may be, it doesn't diminish the awesomeness of "Always With Me, Always With You" (all guitarists should be forced to wear trench coats), or the majestic slab of cheese that is Summer Song. Damn if Chickenfoot doesn't try, though.

Chickenfoot recently cancelled some shows in Europe due to the fact that Chad Smith has an injury. Really? They had to cancel over that? Chad Smith is that indispensable? Would anyone have noticed if that guy had been missing? He wasn't even the Chilis' original drummer.

SEETHER'S COVER OF CARELESS WHISPER

Yep. Someone did this. Good God. My ears have AIDS now. Congratulations, the Ataris. Your horrible cover of "The Boys Of Summer" is no longer the single worst cover song I've ever heard that makes me want to jump in front of an oncoming train. I bet Marc Colombo thinks this is the awesomest shit ever.

So, Mr. Orton, how'd this happen?

"Kyle called me this afternoon and was just calling to visit..."

That's nice. He's a good son. Hairy like a yeti, but a good son.

"And while we were talking, his agent called and said, 'Kyle, I don't know exactly what's going on, but... Denver's new coach, the guy from New England (Josh McDaniels) really likes you a lot, and he's trying to make a trade with the Bears including you.'

Get out of here! McDaniels!

"And so, while he was on the phone with his agent, he got a call from Halas Hall that (Bears coach) Lovie (Smith) wanted to see him."

Uh oh.

"He called me back and said, 'Dad, I think I just got traded.'"

Ugggggggggh. Tough one. Does he know anything about Denver? Does he ski? Nose bleeds?

"He knows Denver has big-time playmakers."

High fucking five, Mr. O.

(Byron Orton is not pictured above. That's Kyle. The one without the boobs hanging out.)

************

Tomorrow: Prime Minister (Sinister) Pete Gaines will kick you in the grill.

Sunday: Dash.

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. And ANVIL BITCH.

• Soccer: US Men's National Team vs. Sweden in an international friendly. Will we conquer the Swedes and mate with their giant women? Some might say no Deuce, no dice, but I see another win for Jesus's preferred nation and a goal for Jozy. [FSC]

• College Basketball: Kentucky at Florida. If Billy Gilispie doesn't pick up some more signature quality wins the torch bearing mobs will be out in full force. I always new that introducing Kentuckians to fire was a bad idea, but nobody listened. [ESPN]

• College Football: East/West Shrine Game. Rivalries run deep in this age old battle. It's just like the Civil War, only vertical. I'm just glad it's not another fucking bowl game. [ESPN2]