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The Republican National Convention has been marked by weirdo demonstrators, Alex Jones squawking, desperate brand exercises, and hundreds of bike cops. Meanwhile, RNC-attending sources tell Deadspin that the city is overrun with bike-mounted officers who ride like herbs.


The City of Cleveland received a $50 million federal grant to buy military gear for its cops to wear in order to pacify and attack protestors, counter-protestors, and anyone strange enough to attend the RNC just for fun. Cleveland PD tells the Wall Street Journal that they’ve chosen to use part of this money to flood the streets with body armor-wearing, biking cops because a cop on a bicycle has more agility than one in a car, and more speed than one on foot.

Sadly—or fortunately, if you are a protestor—the Cleveland PD rides their bikes like a bunch of dumbass jamokes. Look at this horde.

For one, about two-thirds of these people need to shift up. Being in too easy a gear means you can accelerate quickly, but achieve a meager top speed while huffing and puffing and churning your legs only to advance at the pace of a geriatric pug. The loose grouping of these cops is a poor tactical setup, which causes them to lose the precious aerodynamic benefits of riding in a peloton.


Is this the fault of the hybrid commuter/mountain bikes, the frames of which are made by the reputable Kona operation in collaboration with Safariland, that the cops are riding here and all over Cleveland? Perhaps. Their design purportedly lets riders sit more upright, so as to have a better view of any miscreants who may be thinking of vile civic actions like walking or standing; but the upright position combined with a load of bulky gear might, in theory, be overly rigid, and would most likely put you even further back of the spindle than you should be. Note that these cops’ seats are too low. Note that most of their knees never reach full extension when they pedal. They’re leaving a lot of watts on the table.

Cleveland PD told the WSJ that they like using bikes not because they’re efficient, but because they can form barriers. One RNC attendee tells Deadspin that he mostly saw bike cops loafing around. It appears they do primarily use their machines as walls. Photos and videos from the scene confirm this.

They also make crude weapons, apparently.

Also, nobody on staff knows how to fix a dropped chain.