I like soccer. I like watching the World Cup and six-second Vines of Lionel Messi doing fancy shit with the ball. I also laugh at old-timey columnists who dump on soccer in a public attempt to increase penile girth.

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That said, this site has too much soccer shit on on it. There, I said it.

FUN FACT: I’m usually not allowed to hit PUBLISH on Deadspin posts myself because I always, invariably, fuck everything up. I fuck up the timestamp and the formatting and I use images that are always the wrong goddamn size. One time I accidentally gave away the fact that we had the Favre penis photos before AJ Daulerio actually posted them (His subsequent Gchat to me: “YOU ASSHOLE”). But this is Senior Week, and we’re getting sold, so FUCK IT I’M GOING ROGUE. I’m not even putting an image in this post. TASTE MY REBELLION.

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Soccer needs to calm down. I wanna pay more attention to it, but every time one soccer thing ends, another soccer thing starts five minutes later. Cristiano Ronaldo plays 8,905 soccer games a year. I looked it up (I didn’t). If soccer wants my love, it needs to consolidate into one thing and stop holding five million Copa tournaments and Champion of Champion leagues. [YELLS AT CLOUD]

Every time something newsworthy pops up in the Deadspin Slack, our own Billy Haisley IMMEDIATELY papers over it with some fucking update on the Blarneypole Derby or whatever. I’m sick of all these derbies. No more derbies. Roger Goodell could die of autoerotic asphyxiation and people on our staff wouldn’t even notice because they’d be too bus typing “POGBA!!!” into the chat window. Who is Pogba? Fuck Pogba. If you’re buying us, put a gag order on Pogba stuff.

Soccer is fine. All I ask is that we treat it with horrifyingly arrogant disdain and post about it once a week at the maximum. NFL ROOLZ SOCCER DROOLZ COME AT ME BRO

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This is Gawker Media’s last week as an independent media operation, and while that shouldn’t affect you much one way or the other as a reader, we’re still going to take advantage of a pretext to run some especially stupid posts. If you have any ideas for such posts, hit us at tips@deadspin.com.