Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: "Boston chicks Fight Club." Tonight's commentator: ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER. (Coming next week: TBD.)

DAMN I WAS ALL SET ON HAVING A NICE RELAXING EVENING. ID JUST BOUGHT TWO FIFTHS OF EL JIMADOR. I HAD A SACKFUL OF ARBYS IN THE FRIDGE READY TO SUSTAIN ME THROUGH A BENDER OF MCNULTYAN PROPORTIONS. I GOT ENOUGH FUCKING ORDNANCE LEFT OVER FROM INDEPENDENCE DAY TO INVADE CANADA. AND MUCH TO MY SATISFACTION ID JUST FOUND OUT SOME PULITZER PRIZE WINNING PENCILDICK WHO THOUGHT HE COULD TALK SOME SHIT TO ME WITHOUT CONSEQUENCE WAS PISSING AND MOANING ABOUT ME ON THE LOCAL NEWS.

BASICALLY ALL THE PIECES WERE IN PLACE TO KICK THE FUCK BACK GET FUCKED THE FUCK UP AND BASK IN THE GLORIES OF MODERN AMERICAN LEISURE. BUT THEN THAT MAGNIFICENT MOTHERFUCKER BRIAN HICKEY HIT ME UP AND REMINDED ME ABOUT SOME FUCKING FIGHT VIDEO OR OTHER THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO WRITE SOME SHIT ABOUT AND BEING THE LAZY INCONSIDERATE FUCK THAT I AM IT SEEMS I HAD TOTALLY BLOWN THAT SHIT OFF. I MEAN FUCK I GUESS I ONLY GOT MYSELF TO BLAME FOR MAKING PROMISES WHEN IM BLACKOUT MOTHERFUCKING DRUNK BUT WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA DO

BUT ALL THAT BULLSHIT AND PRELUDE ASIDE OKAY FIGHT FANS IM BACK WITH ANOTHER FANFUCKINGTASTIC FIGHT VIDEO COURTESY OF MY GOOD FRIEND BRIAN HICKEY. NOW IM GONNA KEEP THIS SHORT BECAUSE NUMBER ONE RIGHT NOW IM ABOUT AS SOBER AS A REALLY FUCKING DRUNK JUDGE AND NUMBER TWO THIS SHIT IS ABOUT SOME KIND OF FUCKED UP FEMALE FIGHT CLUB AND THAT SHIT BASICALLY SELLS ITSELF SO I DONT NEED TO CARRY THE FUCK ON ABOUT IT. BUT HONESTLY ITS MORE NUMBER ONE. PLUS THERES A COPS MARATHON ON SPIKE

BUT LIKE I JUST FUCKING INDICATED FROM ALL ACCOUNTS THIS IS A BONAFIDE FUCKING FIGHT CLUB ONLY EXCEPT INSTEAD OF A BUNCH OF DISILLUSIONED COLLEGE EDUCATED FUCKHEADS SCRAPPING BECAUSE THEYRE ALL BORED SELFLOATHING CORPORATE ASSHOLES MAD ABOUT STARBUCKS OR WHATEVER THESE ARE JUST SOME ROUND THE WAY CHICAS ENGAGING IN FISTICUFFS AND ILL BE HONEST WITH YOU I DONT REALLY KNOW WHY. SOMETIMES IT SEEMS POLITE SOMETIMES IT SEEMS LIKE THEYRE ALL MORTAL FUCKING ENEMIES. I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

BUT REALLY WHO GIVES A FUCK BECAUSE THIS VIDEO STARTS OFF SOME SERIOUSLY HOT SHIT. YOU GOT THIS AWESOME THICK CHICA IN A TANKTOP WITH SOME MONSTER CANS JUST THROWING THE FUCK DOWN WITH SOME OTHER CHICK IN PINK SHOES JUST HELLS BELLS AS A MOTHERFUCKER THESE TWO JUST BANGING ON EACH OTHER WITHOUT REGARD AND EVERYBODYS STANDING AROUND WITH UMBRELLAS LIKE FONZWORTH MOTHERFUCKING BENTLEY GAWKING AT THIS WILD SHIT.

AND IT AINT JUST RAINING RAIN ITS RAINING SLAPS ITS RAINING HAYMAKERS AND ITS RAINING SHIVERING FUCKING FOREARMS AND EVERYBODYS SHOUTING ENCOURAGING ADVICE MICKEY GOLDMILL STYLE LIKE SWING SWING (NO FUCKING SHIT) AND UH LET IT RIDE? WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT MEANS.

ANYWAY THIS SHIT IS SO FUCKING ROUSING I FIRED UP HEARTS ON FIRE IN THE OTHER WINDOW. BUT THEN THE POLICE SHOW UP AND EVERYBODY BAILS THE FUCK OUT AND RIGHT AWAY THEYRE BREAKING THE SEVENTH RULE OF FIGHT CLUB: FIGHTS LAST AS LONG AS THEY HAVE TO. COPS JUST DONT RESPECT THAT SHIT

AND FROM THERE WE GET WHAT APPEARS TO BE A COMMERCIAL BREAK FOR WORLDSTARHIPHOP. TRULY A JUGGERNAUT IN THIS THE SPORT OF KINGS. A FEW ARTFUL DISSOLVES LATER AND WERE BACK INTO THE ACTION

SO OUR GIRL JUGS IS BACK TO WHALING ON PINKY AND SHITS GETTING UGLY. THEYRE ROLLING AROUND IN A MUD PUDDLE AND JUGS IS GOING AFTER THE WEAVE AND SOMEWHERE THERES A BREACH IN ETIQUETTE: JUGS GETS KICKED IN THE FACE IN THE MIDDLE OF WHAT LOOKS TO BE AN ASTHMA ATTACK. BUT WHO KNOWS MAYBE SHES JUST GASSED FROM HAULING THOSE WRECKING BALL TITTIES AROUND. SERIOUSLY FELLAS RECOGNIZE THAT SHIT: THATS GOTTA BE LIKE FIGHTING WITH A COUPLE OF FUCKING FOURTH GRADERS DANGLING FROM YOUR CHEST

NOW JUGS IS LYING THERE RECOVERING AND PINKY JUST STROLLS OVER THERE AND POUNDS ON HER SOME MORE FOR SHITS AND GRINS AND STROLLS AWAY VICTORIOUS HAVING VANQUISHED HER OPPONENT IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ASTHMA ATTACK. BUT IT AINT OVER YET: COME HERE BITCH! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

AND ITS BACK ON: SWING! SWING! KICK HER WITH YOUR KNEE! (?) AND JUGS GRABS A HANDFUL OF WEAVE AND PULLS IT LOOSE THROWING HER TROPHY BACK IN PINKYS FACE FOR GOOD MEASURE STRIDING LIKE A MIGHTY PAWNEE WARRIOR AND LEAVING PINKY LOOKING LIKE ONE OF THOSE BALDHEADED HOES WILLIE D USED TO RAP ABOUT. "SHORT HAIR DONT CARE! SHORT HAIR DONT CARE!" HA AINT IT FUCKING AMAZING THAT HOODRAT SCALPING IS SO FUCKING PREVALENT THAT THEY CAME UP WITH A CUTE LITTLE MANTRA TO CHANT AFTERWARDS? GODDAMN I LOVE THIS COUNTRY

BUT SADLY LIKE DARTH VADER HIMSELF IT SEEMS OUR CHAMPION HAS EXPENDED ALL HER ENERGY TO CLAIM VICTORY. HAVING INVOKED THE THIRD RULE OF FIGHT CLUB SHE RETIRES TO HER SPOT ON THE GRASS. AND THATS IT FOR OUR HEAVYWEIGHTS. JUGS BY DECISION. NOW FOR THE LIGHTWEIGHTS

IN THIS CORNER WE GOT SOME SMOOOOOOOOKIN HOT CHICA LOOKING LIKE RACHEL FROM JUSTIFIED WEARING A PRACTICAL BLACK ENSEMBLE AND IN THE OTHER CORNER WE GOT DECIDEDLY LESS PRACTICAL CHICA WEARING A HOODIE TO A FIGHT LIKE A DUMBASS AND HER THONG STICKING OUT OF HER PANTS JUST CRYING OUT TO BE USED AGAINST HER. NOW RACHEL FIGHTS DIRTY AS A MOTHERFUCKER. RIGHT OUT THE BOX SHES TRYING TO TAKE A BITE OUT OF HOODIES FACE AND ALL OF A SUDDEN THAT HOODIES LOOKING A LOT MORE PRACTICAL. IN THE SCRUM HOODIE KNOCKS HER TO THE GROUND AND KICKS HER IN THE FACE AND RACHEL JUMPS UP LIKE A FUCKING JACK IN THE BOX AND STARTS PROTESTING: "REALLY? REALLY? REALLY? SHE JUST KICKED ME IN MY FACE!" WELL YEAH. I THOUGHT WE WERE FIGHTING. I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK THIS AINT EXACTLY SOME MARQUESS OF QUEENSBERRY TYPE SHIT. BESIDES YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO GNAW HER FUCKING FACE OFF SO DONT BE LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY TO THROW UP A FUCKING PENALTY CARD JUST BECAUSE YOU GOT KICKED

SO THESE TWO DO-SI-DO FOR AWHILE AND THEYRE SLAMMING EACH OTHER INTO THE WALL TERMINATOR STYLE AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT HOODIES GOT HER HOODIE PULLED OVER HER HEAD LIKE A HOCKEY JERSEY DEMONSTRATING LIKE DUMBASSES FIGHTING IN HOODIES ALWAYS DO THAT HOODIES ARE A BAD CHOICE OF FIGHT WEAR. RACHEL ADVANCES TO THE NEXT ROUND...

...WHERE SHE GETS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING OWWWWWWWWWWWWNED BY SOME CHICA IN A STRIPED SWEATER. SO SEVERE AND EXHAUSTIVE IS THIS OWNING THAT RACHELS PEOPLE FEEL COMPELLED TO GET INVOLVED AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT ITS A FUCKING MELEE. FIFTH RULE OF FIGHT CLUB BROKEN. AND IN A MOST UNSETTLING TURN OF EVENTS JUGS GETS DROPPED. SHES LEFT WRITHING AND HOLDING HER FACE WHILE HOODIE TALKS SOME NASTY SHIT AND STRIPES KICKS HER WHILE SHES DOWN AND EVERYBODY JUST WALKS THE FUCK AWAY. AN IGNOBLE CODA FOR A FIGHTER WITH THE HEART OF A LIONESS AND THE LUNGS OF JOHNNY PAYCHECK. WHEN IT COMES RIGHT DOWN TO IT I GOTTA SAY I THINK JUGS IS HANGING WITH THE WRONG CROWD. BUT HEY FIGHT CLUB AINT ABOUT ANY ONE PERSON SO THE WORLD KEEPS ON TURNING. FUCK DAMNATION AND FUCK REDEMPTION

And now, the rest of the Tuesday Night Fights:

• Seems as if you can actually bring a bucket to a machete fight after all. Go figure. (Start of Violence, 0:06)

• This is really weird, this whole ladyfight at the Brockton Fair with a carnie-announcer droning on in the background. And, a racist carnie announcer (0:59) at that. (SoV, 0:12)

• So yeah, the guy in the blue shirt, who tries to kick some guy's head through the ground at the 1:04 mark of this video, he should do jail time. (SoV, 0:10)

• In a Top 10 TNF cameo appearance: The Semi-Passive Foot Locker Referee Man. (SoV, 0:03)

• The This Is Just Fantastic Revisiting A Previously Posted Fight Because Someone Made It Better Intermission:

• This is like one of those Russian and/or Eastern European mass brawls, except it's in Dallas and way less organized. (SoV, 0:17)

• Because nothing says Awesome Dad than getting into a brawl inside, and then outside, of the neighborhood Baskin Robbins. (SoV, instantly)

• Parking-lot bro battle! YouTube this motherfucker, man; dgaf if the po's coming, yo. (SoV, instantly)

• 2 Girls, 1 Pole. (SoV, instantly)

• The Neighbors, Amirite? Life Lesson:

• Ybor City is in Tampa. The people seem really nice there. (SoV, instantly)

• Mount him, bro. MOUNT HIM!!! (SoV, 0:03)

• The lady in red, loses her dress in a fight, dons helmet and leaves. (SoV, 0:04)

• The Bobbin' And Weavin' One To Grow On:

• From America's birthplace, "Ladies Take To West Philly Streets To Iron Out Differences In Opinion Via Fists" (SoV, instantly). Bonus Coverage: I'm not familiar with the hotel/motel at which "Hot Chicks Brutal Fighting in Philadelphia" was filmed, and that's probably for the best (SoV, 0:04). Bonus Coverage II: "She got fucked up" (SoV, instantly).

• TNF Beijing Correspondent Anthony Tao presents "Women Fight On Chengdu Subway" (SoV, instantly). And, "Girl Refuses To Put 20,000 RMB Bag Through Beijing Subway Security Check, Says, 'My Daddy Will Kill You'" (SoV, instantly). And, the absolutely mesmerizing "Chinese Traffic Cops Fight On The Job, Hold Up Traffic" (SoV, instantly).

• "Fight in Stockholm Sweden. Arabs VS Polish?" is explained as such: "I filmed this fight yesterday in Stockholm between some arabs and i think it was some polish guys. I have no idea why they were fighting but the arabs won. I also got jumped by one of the arabs girlf" leaving the rest to the imagination. Primarily, whether the girlf is screeching "World Star" in Arabic or Polish or whatever. (SoV, 0:05)

• Your Don't Talk About Her Kids Lest You And Your Family Risk Death One To Grow On:

• In which Lil Phil and the Philly Prince fight to a stalemate. (SoV, 0:07)

• Them prostitutes out fighting on Lake Street again. Beast by C-Note. (SoV, 0:07)

• Others: "Brawl - Guy gets jumped in Vegas by three guys." "Asian women all out brawl." "Street fight after the pub." "Street fight in St louis Ave." "briga sangrenta bloody fight street fight." "Lincoln Tech Student Vs NJ Cops (Student Tries To Fight Police Over Parking Space)." "Yello belly street fight!!" "Beat down on Rena St." "Street Fight Osaka Japan." "Royal Wash street fight." "Miami Street fight Fight video."

• The 23 Minutes of Kosovar Street Brawlin' flashback coda: