Bill Simmons Translator: He Loved "The The!"

Now that ESPN Serious Journalist Bill Simmons has gotten pretty much every single prediction of the NBA Finals completely wrong, we thought we'd check in with him after last night's Game 6 with ... yes ... The Bill Simmons Translator!

Any team worth its salt takes care of business last night. If the Spurs prevail Thursday, they're still the flimsiest champ since the '94 Rockets. I take back every nice thing I ever said about them.

Translation: Fortunately, you have to pay to get into my archives — which, even though I promised you'd never had to do that, you, uh, totally have to do that — so you'll completely forget I ever said anything in the first place. But this doesn't make me at all like Mike Lupica. Really.

Anyone who maintains this is "good basketball" comes off like a film school grad expounding the merits of a Todd Solondz movie yes, we see your point and respect it, but the bottom line is that major movie studios aren't paying the bills on Todd Solondz movies (and this is coming from a guy who loved "Happiness").

Translation: To remind you, I'm more than just a "sports guy;" I'm CULTURED. Like Chuck Klosterman. To whom my man crush knows no bounds.

Speaking of dumb, how could I be dumb enough to write two-thirds of today's column on Tuesday afternoon, gearing it around a question that hadn't officially become a question yet? Just my luck the Spurs blow the game and I have to start a new column from scratch at 9 at night.

Translation: This is totally not like something Mitch Albom would do. And the fact that most of my columns are written while I'm not wearing pants should not frighten you right now at all. Nope

Throw in one of my favorite bands, The The, unfathomably selling out with the song for the ad and I feel like Dockers is trying to torture me.

Translation: Why, no, I wasn't constantly accused of being gay in high school. Why do you ask?

Believe me, I'm not falling prey to the reactionary journalism that seems to be sweeping the nation right now, where you can make one point on one day and completely contradict yourself the next, with no repercussions.

Translation: Well, until tomorrow, anyway.

Reign On Their Parade [ESPN Page 2]