17. Violet Palmer, NBA referee

Maybe 3D glasses would help.

18. Jeanie Buss, Los Angeles Lakers president and part-owner

Couldn't get her boyfriend Phil Jackson a job with the team she owns and runs, and where he won five rings.


19. Steven Hyden, Grantland music writer

Primary professional duty seems to be constructing circuitous apologia for his boss's lousy taste in dad rock.


20. Rob Neyer, Fox Sports senior baseball editor

Healthy skepticism became a guy aggressively working a Falling Down gimmick so slowly no one really noticed.


21. Chris Berman and Tom Jackson, ESPN talkers

NFL analysis as produced by an iPhone app that makes fart noises.

22. The editors of Deadspin, Deadspin editors

Handwringing scolds who traffic in smut; alternately demand to be seen as high-minded or mere purveyors of internet effluvia according to the needs of the moment.


23. Suey Park, Twitter activist or whatever

Stop talking about Suey Park.


24. Julie Hermann, Rutgers athletic director

Former abusive, domineering coach. Former abusive athletics administrator at Louisville. Now head of the most dysfunctional, abusive athletic department in the entire NCAA.


25. Phil Jackson, New York Knicks president

Has conflated superior interpersonal coaching skills with being a Zen Buddha savant. Signed Lamar Odom in 2014.


26. Malcolm Gladwell, thoughtfluencer

Oh for Christ's sake.

27. Eric Winston, NFLPA president, free-agent offensive lineman

Probably Roger Goodell in a wig.

28. Roger Goodell, NFL commissioner/frontman for Dan Snyder and Jimmy Haslam

Believes he is a towering beacon of leadership; wants you to believe he is an iron-fisted strongman; is actually a laughably inept buffoon.


29. Gregg Easterbrook, public pseudo-intellectual

Haughty, endlessly self-congratulatory dipshit. Eagerly awaits the vindication of his dumb ideas by the magical return of 1962. Recommends his own books.


30-t. Kevin Durant, Oklahoma City Thunder forward/Robert Griffin III, Washington Redskins quarterback


Have focus-grouped personae designed to allow sportswriters to pin on whatever moralistic platitudes fit the moment. Human lamp post, meet Mitt Romney in cleats.

32. David Moyes, unemployed soccer coach

Sad-sack Manchester United flameout last seen fighting some dude in a wine bar.


33. Ann McKee, neuropathologist, brain-injury expert

Produces hasty science about CTE and shouts it into a megaphone, performing brain dissections out of ceremony more than curiosity at this point.


34. Ray Lewis, ESPN bloviator

Inspirational leader who probably didn't kill anyone only says anything interesting when you bring up long-ago unpleasantries, leading him to insist you stop talking about them.


35. Darren Rovell, ESPN "sports" "business" "reporter"

Knows nothing about sports, has zero curiosity about business, and reports nothing that can't be found in the sponsored tweet immediately below it in your timeline. Rewrites press releases.


36. Howard Milstein, rich person

Wannabe Washington Redskins owner whose historic 1999 rejection by the NFL unleashed Dan Snyder on the world.


37. Jonathan Duncan, NCAA vice-president of enforcement

Ineffectual enforcer of bad rules.

38. Lane Kiffin, Alabama offensive coordinator

Downwardly mobile sports doofus. Literally has never accomplished anything.

39. Jason Whitlock, sportswriter (?)

Does he even have a job anymore? What is his actual job?


40. Shelly Sterling, rich person

Parlayed maybe, possibly being slightly less virulently racist than Donald Sterling into a role as elder stateswoman of the Clippers.


41. Steve Patterson, Texas athletic director

Donald Sterling channeler.


42. Bob Bowlsby, Big 12 commissioner



43. Jim Nantz, broadcaster

The soothing voice of your granddad's dementia.

44. Asker Jeukendrup, global director of Gatorade Sports Science Institute

Fronts a "scientific" organization whose principal purpose is to validate Gatorade's existence and perpetuate its success.


45. Dana White, UFC figurehead

Sleazy minority owner of the "combat sport" apparatus he seems hell-bent upon ushering back into irrelevance.


46. Arsene Wenger, Arsenal manager


47. Chris Kluwe, gamer

Mediocre punter; off-brand Drew Magary. Needs a day job we can tell him not to quit.


48. Richard "Dick" Parsons, Los Angeles Clippers CEO

Non-college-basketball playing phony.


49. Jon Barry, NBA commentator

Played basketball for decades and now commentates on it for a job, despite manifestly hating the sport and everyone who plays it.


50. Billy Beane, Athletics GM and minority owner

Soccer fan. Arsene Wenger fan. Thinkpiece writer.


51. Wright Thompson, writerer

The Gods knew.


52. Peter King, stooge

A luxury post service for NFL management.


53. Paul Hughes, mouthpiece

Flack for Qatar's Supreme Committee of Delivery & Legacy. Hasn't been doing a very good job.


54. Mike Wise, Washington Post columnist

Thinks Ernie Grunfeld is good at his job. More damningly, that's not an atypically dumb Mike Wise take.


55. Andrew Luck, Indianapolis Colts quarterback

The only reason there's anything here is that we assumed if we left this blank you would think it was inadvertent.


56. Andrea Bargnani, Andrea Bargnani

Is Andrea Bargnani.


Image by Jim Cooke