English soccer player honks opponent’s penis twice, giggles as refs do nothing

You wouldn’t think that anyone would want to join Brad Marchand on the list of athletes who commit in-game sexual assault, but nothing is out of reach by the world these days. Preston North End’s Darnell Fisher has seen Marchand’s mere foreplay of licking people and raised to this direct action on Sheffield Wednesday’s Callum Paterson:

It is even more galling, if not astounding, that as Paterson gives his forlorn look to the referee — with an expression that makes you think this has been going on all game — Fisher doubles down and goes for a second honk while the ref must be looking directly at him. And no action is taken whatsoever.

One would have to admit that having your dick locked up by a defender would probably prevent you from passionately chasing a corner. It’s also holding and should be a penalty, and one where the referee’s report on it should be public viewing.

What the FA has to “look into” here exactly is a bit of a mystery. Seems pretty cut and dried (pun half-intended). Even Draymond Green thinks this is a touch egregious.

It’s likely that any call for a serious suspension of Fisher will lead to an avalanche of soccer pundits with hair growing in their ears saying that this kind of thing has been going on for a century, somehow justifying it in their minds.

“If you want to score bad enough, lad, having your knob turned clockwise is just the price of admission! Why, Sir Bobby Charlton once tied mine into a fisherman’s knot at Old Trafford! And I never once looked at the ref!”

But much like in the case of Marchand, this is sexual assault. Paterson certainly doesn’t look like he thinks it’s a joke, nor fair play. Fisher should be headed for a long stretch in the stands. For reference, a rugby player got a 10-week suspension for this. But as people in the know will tell you, rugby handles everything in a much more mature fashion than soccer. Marchand, of course, was never suspended for his vile and stupid acts.

Aim for “better than hockey,” soccer. It’s just about the easiest bar to clear.