It's Taser Giveaway Night In Philly — Whether You Want It Or Not

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

•A battle of division leaders ended in a 6-3 win for the NL best Cardinals, and...oh, who the hell cares; Lookit that bastard get tased!

•In a clear case of tampering, David Stern says he hopes LeBron James will stay in Cleveland. LeBron must have pissed him off somehow, because I wouldn't wish six years in Cleveland on my worst enemy.

•Speaking of James only staying if he wins a title, (Oh, we weren't speaking of that? Well, it's true.) the Cavs were outright outplayed by the Celtics in a 104-86 game that wasn't even as close as the final score. It's now a five-game series, much like every playoff series ought to be so we could finish the finals before August.

•The Bruins took a 2-0 lead in their series, but the top story today will be Daniel Carcillo's accusations that Marc Savard bit his finger during a second-period scuffle. Deadspin is proud to bring you exclusive video of the incident.

•To the surprise of no one, the Bulls fire Vinny Del Negro. The final straw was a little shoving match with John Paxson during a dispute over Joakim Noah's playing time, possibly the first time anyone's fought over Joakim Noah.

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It's Tuesday. Let's do this thing.