Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Chelsea opened their Premier League title defense today with a topsy turvy 2-2 draw against Swansea City. As you can see, Jose Mourinho ain’t too happy about it. Our staff of amateur lip readers concurs that he’s dropping a “Fuck off Michael!”—directed towards referee Michael Oliver—but you could make the case that it’s more of a “Fuck off mate!” with a quick jowl drop.

Today, Chelsea needed a fluky-ass own goal from Federico Fernandez and 40 minutes of defensive scrambling to secure a point. It was barely enough. In the 52nd minute, Thibaut Courtois earned himself a straight red card when he ran out at Bafétimbi Gomis and legged him down just inside the box, forcing Chelsea to play a man down for about a half of soccer.


Gomis converted, and the Swans kept coming. Jonjo Shelvey tried an olimpico and it clanked off the post. Gomis scored again only for it to be disallowed for offside. Jefferson Montero forced Asmir Begović into a series of ambitious saves. To their credit, the Blues put some attempts on frame, but most of the second half was more or less a classic Mourinho bus-job.

But, as they have an eerily consistent tendency to do, Mourinho’s team found a way to scrap together a point in a game where they were outplayed. It doesn’t matter that Swansea had three times as many shots on goal or that both Chelsea goals were a bit soft. A point is a point. Nobody knows that better than Mourinho, and our king troll is evidently already feeling himself. It may just be the first day of the Premier League season, but Mourinho only has one speed.

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