NFL Roundup: Daunte's Blues

• If you somehow were able to make an emotionless, painless robot clone of Bea Arthur, and you pounded that clone in the face with a polo mallet for 25 minutes, then slammed that head in a car door 15 times, then severed the head with an exceptionally long and sharp toenail, then put the head in a microwave until it began to bubble up and then finally burst, and then you covered that exploded head with months-old maple syrup and planted it in a field of fire ants ... you'd have an approximate physical manifestation of how Vikings quarterback Daunte Culpepper feels right now. • You know what would be really funny? If the Lions finished 4-12 this year, and GM Matt Millen was like, "Joey Harrington just needs more weapons" and then drafted him another wide receiver. • If Brett Favre killed a man at midfield right before a game-ending drive that failed, afterwards, he would be called "heroically unconventional" by Peter King and Len Pasquarelli after the game. Well, as long as Favre still gave out the phone number to his Mississippi farm, where he's always out mowing when they call. • Oh, and we just read the following sentence from Pasquarelli, about Jags QB Byron Leftwich: "Swathed in more ice than the body of Ted Williams, bearing huge discolored splotches and limping noticeably, Leftwich settled in front of a locker stall following a 10-3 defeat, looking like one oversized 250-pound welt. Had the Colts been charged with assault and battery by the local constabulary, the prosecutor would have only had to present a naked Leftwich to the jury, and deliberations would have lasted maybe 30 seconds." Doesn't that sound kind of like the "romance novel" that Mr. Garrison wrote on "South Park?" • We are 100 percent that the reaction to the news that Jets wide receiver Laveranues Coles had gone public with the fact that he was sexually abused as a child by the majority of football fans was, "we can't believe he didn't get in the endzone on that play to the 1. We're starting T.J. Houshmandzadeh next week; Coles could have had two TDs." • Speaking of fantasy football, it was totally a good idea to start Eagles linebacker Mark Simoneau as our fantasy football kicker rather than Lions kicker Remy Hamilton. Just a last-minute hunch. • Lesser people, they might consider abandoning their team if a potential game-winning final drive were lost by a freaking false start penalty. Not us. Just don't mention the Buzzsaw to us today, OK?