animals Page 3 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
The Sports Highlight Of The Day Is This Little Cat Launching A Sneak Attack
Kittens are cute. So cute, in fact, that it can seem unimaginable they would be capable of hatching diabolical plots like stealing food off the counter, clawing your foot if the foot moves under a blanket, peeing repeatedly on your favorite rug, or fashioning itself into a cat cannonball and launchi...
Udonis Haslem Sues Animal Hospital For Denying Him His Rightful Dog Semen
Longtime Miami Heat big man Udonis Haslem—present tense, as Haslem is still on the active roster despite averaging less than a point per game in 14 appearances last year—is suing a Florida animal hospital and one of its doctors for castrating his prized show dog, thus denying the three-time NBA cham...
Horse Walks Into Bar, Fucks It Up
There you are, enjoying a nice beverage at a sports betting bar in France, when—bam, there’s a horse in the damn establishment and it’s wrecking all your shit....
Seal Slaps The Bejesus Out Of Kayaker With Live Octopus
There you are, in your boat, kayaking, in the water, in New Zealand or whatever. Here it comes, a seal! Or is it a sea lion? Does this matter? More on that later. What does it have in its—oh. It’s an octopus! What......
The Sports Highlight Of The Day Is This Very Determined Rat At Wrigley Field
Wrigley Rat made his late-season case for NL MVP in Wednesday night’s game. Photographer Will Byington was filming as the tenacious, indefatigable little rodent tried repeatedly to make the leap from the fencing above the ivy to berm in center field....
Browns Fan Saves Possum From Having To Watch The Rest Of Thursday Night Football<em></em>
A poor, foolish possum somehow made its way into the stands at Thursday night’s Jets-Browns game, in Cleveland. Maybe he’s a big Baker Mayfield fan! It’s unlikely the little fellow had a valid ticket—as such, he was captured and put into a box by a jersey-clad gentleman who seems really admirably co...
The Darkest Form Of Basketball Is This Dead Whale Clanging Off A Dumpster
The wonderful state of New Hampshire—full disclosure: I grew up in New Hampshire—has made national news this week, as the world has been captivated by the Granite State’s inability to properly dispose of a dead minke whale that washed ashore at Jenness Beach in Rye Monday. Though a juvenile, the wha...
Disease-Carrying Vermin Still A Little Too On-The-Nose As Coincidental Mets-Adjacent Phenomenon
The Red Sox, healthy, secure, surging toward the best season in franchise history, played with the toy skeleton of a rat in their dugout Friday night, mounting it on the dugout wall and putting seeds in its little mouth. Ha ha! The Mets, helpless, sick, crawling along in ignominy toward the conclusi...
Philadelphia Union Introduce New Mascot, A Snake With Arms And Legs, Which Are Like The Most Important Things A Snake Doesn't Have
In their ninth MLS season, the Philadelphia Union finally (finally) have a mascot. It seems like mere days ago he was a giant egg at the Philadelphia Zoo, which at least indicated that he was not a mammal, or was at least a monotreme. Today, we all got the big news:...
Wily Fox Steals Golf Ball Right Off The Green
Golfers are used to having to contend with environmental hazards, from violent winds, to prehistoric swamp monsters, to fires spewed forth from the bowels of the earth. During one recent round in Massachusetts, golf aficionado Daniel Adams was confronted with the added challenge of a thieving fox. A...
New Madrid Keeper Thibaut Courtois Apologizes For Singing Song About Real Madrid Fans Fucking Kangaroos
Before he was the regular goalkeeper at Chelsea, Thibaut Courtois was the number one at Atletico Madrid when they burst onto the La Liga scene to challenge the duopoly of Barcelona and Real Madrid. Now, since his transfer to Real earlier this week, Courtois has been forced to awkwardly answer for hi...
Yeah, That's A Goddamn Moth In An Umpire's Ear
Gahhhhh. This is an awful thing that should never happen—with any living creature, not just a dusty flying bug—but Yankees-White Sox umpire Bruce Dreckman was remarkably calm when a small, moth-like animal (most likely a moth) flew into his ear between innings....
Let The Escaped Animals Just Be Wild Animals
The law should be: Once an escaped non-pet animal has been on the loose long enough for the local news to show up and get it on video, it has claimed its freedom and gets to be a wild animal after that. You may transport it to its natural habitat if you want to and are able to do it safely and human...
Goats On The Lam
This morning, residents in Boise, Idaho, woke up to approximately 75 marauding goats roaming from house to house, eating everything in their path like a plague of slow-moving, adorable locusts....
The Best Sports Of The Night Is These Dogs Licking Peanut Butter
This has been an especially draining news day, and the most prominent sporting event tonight is *shudders* the MLS All-Star Game, so the time has come to look at some dogs. Please, appreciate the innocence and enthusiasm of these good boys named Bentley and Charlie, who both like peanut butter very ...
Kidnapped Shark Found Safe; Thief Confesses To Stealing Her To Replace His Old Shark
We have a very happy update for you in the case of Helen, the horn shark who was the subject of a daring stroller heist this weekend at the San Antonio Aquarium. Not only has Helen been found, but she appears to have been lovingly cared for by her captor, who stole her in the first place because he ...
Cops: Trio Stole Shark By Swaddling It Like A Baby, Pushing It Out In A Stroller<em></em>
If you saw a baby being pushed in a stroller near the San Antonio aquarium on Saturday afternoon, guess what, it might have been a shark. According to Leon Valley police chief Joseph Salvaggio, three enterprising shark thieves made off with a three-foot long horn shark around 2:15 p.m. on Saturday a...
Wallace, The Good And Humble Mule, Defeats Fancy Dressage Horses At Their Own Game
Wallace is an 11-year-old mule who used to annoy Irish villagers by eating their flowers. After a lengthy battle over his right to compete in dressage, he is now a winner and hero to common beasts....
The World's Ugliest Dog Is Dead, Probably Not Of Ugliness<em></em>
Weeks after being crowned the World’s Ugliest Dog, 9-year-old bulldog Zsa Zsa died Tuesday. She was assassinated while delivering a speech at a town hall. No, okay, she passed in her sleep....
I Am Not Superstitious, But Japan <i>Definitely</i> Lost Because Its Psychic Octopus With A Perfect Record Was Killed, Sold, And Eaten
Belgium’s round-of-16 win over Japan was a shocker, with the Red Devils coming back from an 0-2 second-half hole to win 3-2 on a thrilling counter at the very end of stoppage time. It’s gotta be difficult to swallow for Japan, because that final counter—an absolute thing of beauty—came off a poorly ...