Udonis Haslem Sues Animal Hospital For Denying Him His Rightful Dog Semen

Longtime Miami Heat big man Udonis Haslem—present tense, as Haslem is still on the active roster despite averaging less than a point per game in 14 appearances last year—is suing a Florida animal hospital and one of its doctors for castrating his prized show dog, thus denying the three-time NBA champion the opportunity to sell its semen.

The poor dog caught up in the middle of this dispute is a Cane Corso named Juice. Back in May, according to the lawsuit, “Juice swallowed a rope.” (No other context is given, but I am sure it’s a funny story.) Haslem arranged for the dog to be treated by Marcus Uris at Leader Animal Specialty Hospital in Cooper City, FL. Uris removed the rope, and while he was at it he also castrated Juice.

But, as an extremely blunt and grim sentence in the lawsuit says, “Juice was not to be castrated.” The lawsuit says that Haslem had spent $30,000 training Juice as a guard dog for his home, and was also hoping to breed him to sell the puppies and rent him out to other breeders. According to the suit, the castrated Juice is now too chill to be a guard dog. And then we really go deep on just how much top-tier dog semen is worth.

Aside from the lost money for Haslem, the suit also notes that, “The castration of Juice ... would constitute the tort of battery if it had been performed on a human.” I hope Haslem’s lawyer is understating that comparison at least a little bit.

The full suit is embedded below: