Philadelphia Union Introduce New Mascot, A Snake With Arms And Legs, Which Are Like The Most Important Things A Snake Doesn't Have

In their ninth MLS season, the Philadelphia Union finally (finally) have a mascot. It seems like mere days ago he was a giant egg at the Philadelphia Zoo, which at least indicated that he was not a mammal, or was at least a monotreme. Today, we all got the big news:

“It’s a snaaaake!” yelled the host, which was actually very helpful and maybe confusing to the children in attendance, because literally the first thing a child learns about a snake is that they do not have arms and legs and are thus historically pretty bad at dancing and giving high-fives. So why even pick a snake! Why not a salamander, or even just a glass lizard and you could give him some lil nubs.

Oh, and because this is where this is, his name is spelled “Phang.”

Here’s Phang with the city’s other mascots, from L-R: Swoop, the Phillie Phanatic, Human Man, a basketball-playing dog who came over in the Okafor trade, and a turkey.