ea Page 2151 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
You're Too Much Trouble. Get Some Therapy.
We were a stand-up tomato: a juicy, sexy, beefsteak tomato. Nobody does vegetables like us. We did an evening of vegetables off-Broadway. We did the best tomato, the best cucumber... we did an endive salad that knocked the critics on their ass....
About Last Night
What you missed while using your binoculars to watch a bearded tit ... • NBA: Wheelchair basketball ... Pierce shakes off knee injury, leads Celtics over Lakers in Game 1. • MLB: Cole Hamels > Ken Griffey Jr. Phillies 5, Reds 0. • MLB: Please don't televise the draft again. Thanks....
The Law Finally Catches Up With The Cruzin Cooler
You may think that this is a free nation; where a man can enjoy a full day of holiday drinking and then drive home peacefully on his motorized cooler without being harrassed by the authorities. But you'd be wrong. A Whitehall, N.Y. man found that out on Memorial Day when he was pulled over while dri...
Call The Kids, It's Another Profanity-Laced Tirade!
Ah, to return to the halcyon days of March 31, when the Mariners were 1-0 and all was right with the world. But today they're 18 games below .500, having lost four straight and 12 of their past 15. The latest, a 4-3 5-4 loss to the Angels, prompted manager John McLaren to spew some choice profanitie...
Cauliflower Ears Get Mainstream Recognition Thanks To Kimbo
One of the more disturbing and enjoyably gross aspects of Saturday night's EliteXC prime time bloodfest was the inevitable popping of James "Colossus" Thompson's swelled cauliflower ear by the mighty right of Kimbo Slice. As Kimbo's fist kept wailing and wailing on the purple upper region of Thompso...
Media Approval Ratings: Beano Cook
The last week has brought something wonderful: Official football preseason guides! Yesterday we bought the Pro Football Weekly version — which has the Buzzsaw in the playoffs! — and last week we grabbed Athlon's college football version. (Illini in the top 20!) Yep: It really never is too early to t...
Packers Running Back Puts Burglar On IR
Confronted with a gang of burglars in his home, Green Bay Packers' running back Noah Herron did the obvious thing: He unscrewed a bedpost and knocked one of the them the hell out, and chased the others off the premises. That's exactly what I would have done, if you substitute "unscrewed a bedpost" ...
About Last Night
What you missed when the police took the plasma TV from your prison cell ... • MLB: The Radhames Liz Era has begun. Orioles 5, Twins 3. • NHL: Red Wings' explanation for Game 5 loss to Penguins: It was the refs' fault, of course. • Womens softball: How could you pitch to Kaitlin Cochran? Fools! Ariz...
The Patriots High School Cheerleader Baffles Those Wanting To Accurately Leer
From the booby-centric miscreants over at Busted Coverage comes another time-wasting exercise that guarantees you will spend an unhealthy amount of time anaylzing teenage girls on the internet. The New England Patriots announced their 2008 cheerleading squad and one of the newest members is curren...
This Letter To The Editor Comes From The Skull
Selena Roberts might believe that the athletes and reporters have drifted as far away from each other as possible, but they might beg to differ in Cameroon. There, the relationship is a little more strained....
Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee In A Pringles Can
By anyone's estimation, Frederic J. Baur lived a full life. The organic chemist and food storage technician lived to the ripe old age of 89. He and his wife had two sons and four grandchildren. But chief among his accomplishments, he thought, was his design of the Pringles can. That's why, come chec...
Enterprising Red Wings Fan Finds Clever Way To Give The Penguins More Money
19-year-old Zach Smith, native of Cleveland but lover of the Red Wings, devised an ingenious scheme that would not only allow him to throw an octopus on the ice of Mellon Arena last night before Game 4 but still be able to watch the game after he got tossed. His very canny, super savvy plan: buy an...
Hitchin' A Ride
• Foul, or not a foul? Doesn't matter now. • Oddsmaker came back! • This car is awesome. • Michael Jackson, UFC fan. • Loving YMCA. • Ryan Howard, a Tractor Traylor heir. • Alfonso Soriano is sensitive. • Back from France. • Scary. • Here comes Reilly! • Borat and heavyweight champs....
We Think People Should Mate For Life, Like Pigeons Or Catholics.
We're older than her father, can you believe that? We're dating a girl, wherein, we can beat up her father....
Your "Let's Get Out Of Here Already" Friday Afternoon Picture Post Of Surrealism
We're making this a Friday afternoon tradition. Somebody arrest that moose, fast....
ESPN's Featured Comment Of The Day
ESPN scoured its message boards this morning to find its cleverest, boldest, most enlightening comment, and chose this one above all others ......
Your 2008 Israeli Baseball League Season Tickets Are Now Worth Bubkes
A sad day, folks: The Israeli Baseball League has cancelled its 2008 season. We don't want to point any fingers, but, uh, you know, the players were chosen by former Red Sox GM Dan Duquette. Might be a factor....
Safeco Not A Welcoming Place For Gay Couples Brazen Enough To Show Affection
According to one unhappy Mariners fan, the security guards at Safeco Field almost got her tossed her out of a Mariners game last week because she was "making out" with her girlfriend in the stands....
ESPN Confusingly Rids Itself Of Mark Madden's Vileness
Hiring a "shock jock" at a radio station always comes with a certain amount of risk. The lines of good and bad taste are usually drawn up arbitrarily, and punishment for crossing this imaginary line is usually enforced when a certain segment of listeners, advertisers, or executives are personally of...
Michael Jordan Finds A New Underwear Buddy
It is perhaps fitting that the greatest athlete of our generation — sorry, the generation before ours — has spent the last three years pretending to scout for the Bobcats and making underwear ads. Sure, hey, who doesn't hang out with Kevin Bacon, playing pool and tossing packaged briefs back and for...