f Page 949 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Interminable Mike Pereira Rules Monologue Interrupted Several Times By Ghastly Football
The NFL’s got to clean this crap up. The Thursday night game between the Panthers and Buccaneers was already a hellish, dismal slog, featuring punchless, amateurish offense run by a pair of deeply disinterested quarterbacks. Then the fourth quarter rolled around, and what might’ve otherwise been at ...
Washington's Running Back Conflict Resolves Itself In Characteristically Grim, Destructive Fashion
Washington running back Derrius Guice missed his entire rookie season after suffering a knee injury during his first career preseason game. This year, Guice injured his other knee in his first career regular season game, and is expected to miss only half the year. If he keeps this pattern up, the th...
Someone Wanted A Johnny Manziel Jersey Bad Enough To Steal One From A Museum
The Texas A&M campus police asked for help Thursday afternoon identifying a “person of interest” in the theft of the uniform of NFL bust and CFL flameout Johnny Manziel, last seen having a cup of coffee with the now defunct Alliance of American Football. The uniform was reportedly stolen from A&M’s ...
Radio Lunk Dan Sileo Loses Three Gigs Within A Year
When last we left Dan Sileo, the radio host who has a tough time not being racist, he was the main attraction on 97.3 The Fan, the San Diego sports radio station that had to quickly rebrand after its original lineup fell apart. He’s since been tossed from three stations including that one, all withi...
Odell Beckham Jr. Says Gregg Williams Told His Players To Hurt Beckham In A Preseason Game
The Browns are getting ready to play the Jets on Monday night, which means that they will be facing off against their former defensive coordinator, Gregg Williams. Even though Browns receiver Odell Beckham Jr. didn’t overlap with Williams in Cleveland, he has his own history with the Jets’ new defen...
Least Loyal Coach In Recent Memory Demands Total Loyalty From His Recruits
Manny Diaz, who was very briefly the Temple Owls’ head coach before he abandoned his contract without coaching a single game because he found a more appealing job with the Miami Hurricanes, would be better served staying away from demanding pledges of fealty from college football recruits, especiall...
Should A Home Run Automatically End An Inning?
I will not keep you waiting for an answer on this one. No, absolutely not and under no circumstances would it be a good idea for a homer to automatically end an inning in a big league baseball game. It seems important not to equivocate on this question. And yet this Funbag question, from a listener ...
Big Boban Engulfs Donovan Mitchell On Jump Ball
Team USA lost to Serbia, 94-89, in a consolation round matchup at the FIBA World Cup today, ensuring their worst-ever finish at any international tournament. The underperformance of an talent-depleted national team is less interesting to me than the physical prowess of one of basketball’s very large...
Rolling Stones, San Francisco 49ers, City Of Santa Clara All Extremely Mad At Each Other
The Mercury News has published a surprisingly entertaining story about a three-way spat currently raging between the Rolling Stones, the San Francisco 49ers, and the city of Santa Clara. The fight is over various logistical headaches that come with trying to put on a concert at the Niners’ stadium, ...
The NFL Has A Painkiller Crisis That It Never Wants To Go Away
Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here. Buy his book here....
Team USA Embarrasses Itself At FIBA World Cup, Jerry Colangelo Follows Suit
Team USA lost its second straight FIBA World Cup game this morning in China, falling 94-89 to Serbia in a fifth-place consolation game, after yesterday’s embarrassing loss to France eliminated the American team from championship contention. Now the team cannot finish higher than seventh place in the...
George Best And The Soccer Battle Of The Sexes That Changed ... Well, Nothing
Fifty years ago, on a drizzly Sunday afternoon in Manchester, Eva Haraldsted played soccer against George Best. Haraldsted was 21 years old. She wore a turquoise mini-dress, white soccer boots, and a high ponytail, and was captain of a women’s team called Blinkers United. Best, the shaggy-haired Man...
Jets Quarterback Sam Darnold Could Be Out Several Weeks With Mono
Because nothing can ever go right for the Jets, Sam Darnold has mono. Darnold, the man Jets fans are relying on to become a franchise-defining quarterback, has apparently been very busy smooching lately, and as a result has contracted the disease you probably haven’t thought about since that one tim...
Jordin Canada Might Just Be The Heir To Sue Bird's Throne
The defending champion Seattle Storm took the expected fall that came with a pair of devastating preseason injuries, going a mere 18-16 in 2019 after dominating the league with a 26-8 record last year. But even without reigning MVP Breanna Stewart or living legend Sue Bird, the Storm managed to snea...
Report: Triple Crown Winner Justify Failed Drug Test Ahead Of Kentucky Derby
Explosive news out of the world of horse racing today: Justify, the colt that ruined the mystique of one of sports’ all-time legendary feats last summer, reportedly tested positive for a performance enhancing substance in the weeks ahead of the Kentucky Derby. Under the rules in place at the time, J...
Dipshit NFL Reporter Exposes His Entire Ass With Blockheaded Tweets About Antonio Brown's Rape Case
Oftentimes, the worst examples of society’s despicable penchant for immediately blaming and/or discrediting women who report being victims of sexual assault are relegated to anonymous, obscure social media posters and website commenters. Other times, the dumbfucks embodying the trend are people with...
The Cowboys Look Fun As Hell
Right, right, right: It came against a crummy opponent whose ineptitude no doubt made things far easier than they had to be, and it was only Week 1. But in terms of personnel, play design, and execution, the Cowboys on Sunday showed they’re capable of being as forward-thinking and efficient as any o...
The Secret Fun Of Wild Card Bumper Cars Without An Audience
Having been surprised and inspired by Comrade Burneko’s scolding paean to the virtues of minor league baseball (namely, that it’s fun and people you don’t hang out with seem to like it so it deserves its continued existence based solely on that fact), I decided to avert my eyes from the smoldering r...
Donald Trump: We Love Bill Belichick, Don't We, And Also Curing AIDS?
There are two versions of President Donald Trump that appear in public. They both inhabit the same body—the same Youppi-shaped torso pitched forward at the same implausible angles, same ghost-pale eyelids fluttering alarmingly, same resplendent candyfloss Kangol of hair stuck on top of it like a wei...
The First Game Of The Rest Of Our Lives
Eighteen years ago this morning I awoke to shouts from the hall of my dorm. “We’re going to war! We’re going to war!” The origin of the shouting was my neighbor Brian, known for his histrionics, so I went back to sleep. But soon after, I received a call from my high school quarterback, Justin, livin...