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An Adult’s Guide To Learning To Ride A Bicycle
The Anna Karenina principle of biking is this: Everyone who learned how to ride a bicycle did so in roughly the same boring way; anyone who made it to adulthood without learning required a unique series of roadblocks, failures, negligence, and procrastination. If you fall into the latter group, cong...
How To Run With The Bulls
The following is from True.Ink, the new experience-based magazine; head there for way more photos, not to mention dispatches on how to make a pipe, how to turn your pickup truck into a “boatmobile,” and how to make Tom Brady’s pancake recipe....
Is Refusing A Breathalyzer Test Ever Smart?
Welcome to Ask a Lawyer, where I, a lawyer, respond to your questions. Got a vexing legal issue? Send it over, or drop it in the comments below. Keep in mind that this is general information, and not formal legal advice or legal representation; if you need any of that, you should get it from a lawye...
How To Move Across the Country, One Step At A Time
Last winter, after waffling between leaving or staying in Brooklyn for close to four years, I finally bit the bullet. I decamped to Seattle. I used to think I couldn’t live without an egg & cheese from the bodega, McGolrick Park, or Pete’s Candy Store (where there’s no candy, but plenty of liquor). ...
Oh God, What Is Croup, Does My Kid Have It, Oh God Oh God Oh God
Parenting a small child means, of course, doubling the number of people whose well being is your responsibility. This can be difficult, for a Wearer Of A Garbage Bag Because You Forgot To Buy Laundry Soap For The 27th Consecutive Week—for someone who has arrived, mostly by accident, deep in the swam...
How To Cook A Brisket, Which Is Totally Worth The Effort, I Swear
Just once in your life, cook a brisket, over smoky charcoal heat, on the grill. Do it for the solemn pride of having done so, and for the rime of authority it will lend to your future haughty pronouncements on the quality of others’ briskets. Do it because brisket—a massive cut of tough working musc...
How To Be A Good Person On An Airplane
Things are getting bleak in the skies. See this article in the New York Times about swapping seats on a flight:...
Let's Make Some Kick-Ass Sangria!
Sangria is like summer itself: always good, but rarely as great as it could be. Due to their respective built-in advantages of cold, fruity alcohol and relative proximity to the sun, sangria and summer are tough to fuck up. But these same inherent strengths can lull us into a laziness that prevents ...
How To Kick Ass At Karaoke
Karaoke! It’s fun, it’s social, it’s a great way to show off your total mastery of the lyrics to “International Players’ Anthem.” But what if you’re the type of person who wants to sing, but doesn’t necessarily know where to start? It’s easier than you might think....
How To Steal Food From Craft Services
Today, I ate lunch on Netflix’s dime. It was okay. ...
How To Survive Your Favorite Team's Dumb, Embarrassing Scandal
St. Louis Cardinals fans have had to deal with everyone heaping shit on their team for awhile now, and at times, they’ve reacted poorly. With yesterday’s revelation of the FBI investigation into team officials hacking the Astros for information, the Best Fans in Baseball should prepare for a new tru...
Why Not Brew Your Own Beer?
The art of crafting homemade hooch isn’t just for the heroes of country music songs anymore. Ever since 1979—when President Jimmy Carter signed a bill allowing homemade booze for the first time since prohibition (!)—homebrewing has become an American pastime for self-declared connoisseurs of beer. (...
How To Make Chicken Liver Pâté, You Adventurer, You
Pâté is a fun word to say through your nose. Paaaaah-TAY. You should practice this often, as it will accompany the finished product well as a signal to the swells that you are one of them. ARE you enJOYing your paaaah-TAY....
How To Make An Even Better Negroni
The Negroni is a deceptively simple drink, which is one reason so many cocktail blowhards use it to gauge a bartender’s competence. They’re looking to see if the new guy remembers to use the right color of vermouth, and then if he manages to combine it in equal measure with both gin and Campari. The...
How Do I Clean a Flask, Anyway?
Jolie Kerr is a cleaning expert and advice columnist. She’ll be here every week helping to answer your filthiest questions. Are you dirty? Check the Squalor Archive for assistance. Are you still dirty? Email her....
Threesomes Are Fun (If You Do Them Right)
In the pantheon of sexual fantasies blissful to imagine but volatile to undertake, threesomes are near the top of the list. It might seem like a ménage à trois should be an easy sell: more hands! More mouths! More genitals! More fun! Yet such logic evades the emotional brains driving our hot-sex-mac...
Stay-At-Home Dads Of The World, Unite!
We are a vast, disconnected, sleep-deprived sleeper cell. We are everywhere you look, hiding in plain sight, picking out the just-ripe mangoes at the grocery store or pushing our swinging kids at the playground. We kiss boo-boos, braid hair, and fix the kitchen faucet. Call us Mr. Moms, stay-at-home...
Men Should (Usually) Not Wear Sandals
This is going to come as a surprise to some of you gentlemen, but you cannot wear the same ratty running shoes to everything. It’s summer now, and you’re going to have to put at least a little bit of (warm and sunny) thought into your footwear....
Skeet-Shooting 101: How To Handle A Shotgun Safely And Awesomely
Guns make for poor conversation. Generally speaking, there are two entrenched ideological camps—aficionados and abolitionists—and any attempt to hold a middle ground is likely to enflame both sides. You, by now, probably know how you feel about guns, and this is, by no means, an attempt to change th...
How To Buy In Bulk
When my wife and I moved from a 600-square-foot apartment into our 1,000-square-foot house (with garage!), I was particularly excited about a few things: 1) having my very own washer and dryer, and being able to leave shit in them as long as I damn well pleased; 2) being able to more easily justify ...