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How The Hell Do I Clean A Pair Of Headphones?
Jolie Kerr is a cleaning expert and advice columnist. She'll be here every week helping to answer your filthiest questions. Are you dirty? Check the Squalor Archive for assistance. Are you still dirty? Email her....
A Clueless Dude's Guide To Women's Makeup
Will knowing anything about the cosmetics women wear directly improve a man's life? Probably not, and they'll likely thank you to stay out of their stuff. But knowledge is power, and there's something to learn from this strange ritual, or at least it's worth knowing why your lady looks one way whe...
How To Make An Adequate Rye Old Fashioned
I go on runs with cocktails. I'm like a child who gets a new toy, obsesses over the toy for a full week, and then wants nothing to do with it. I went through a whole summer of drinking greyhounds and throwing up those greyhounds into the bushes. I drank a lot of rum & Diet Cokes when I was tryi...
How To Get A Chill Cat
So you’ve decided to get a pet. Maybe you’re hankering for some furry companionship to perk up the lonesome evenings. Perhaps you’re attempting to plug an emotional gap in your life by saving some of god’s non-edible creatures. Or maybe you just want to strike back at those people clogging up your I...
How To Make Friends With Other Parents Without Embarrassing Yourself
Hi, new parent. Welcome. So you have a kid now, and you may think sleepless nights and wide-arcing pee hitting you in the eye from an unencumbered baby penis are the worst things you'll face. But you are wrong. There is something else coming that could scare you into living in total obscurity in...
How To Make An Adequate Manhattan
The Adequate Man is almost assuredly a boozer. Most abstainers do so because their sobriety is mandated by either higher-order preoccupations—see Chuck D, Thomas Edison, and Mister Fred Rogers—or legal/medical necessity, as with your cousin Jeff and your other two cousins Jeff....
How To Roast A Chicken, And Become A Grownup At Last
Roasting a chicken is the last threshold to full coming of age. Before you have done it, you are a fledgling. After, you are an elder....
How To Smoke Salmon: Mystical Alchemy From The Majestic West
Pity the poor East Coast rat racer. Look at him, pouring out of the subway with his sooty, bedraggled kin, lurching through ill-lit corridors, past dripping pipes and glaring widows just missing him with the splash of their chamberpots. There he is, spending $12 on a substandard turkey sub. Here h...
How To Lift Weights: A Primer In Primacy
Lifting weights should be simple. You go to a place with a bunch of metal and pick it up and put it down until you look like The Incredible Hulk. But weightlifting—like any other worthwhile pursuit—requires study, planning, and care to succeed at, which sucks....
How to Talk To Your New Girlfriend About Your Ex
First and foremost, congratulations on the decision to put your fuck parts together with another person's fuck parts in a more meaningful way than you were putting fuck parts together with others during the abysmal slog through Tinder you've been on since your break-up. Things are probably great: yo...
How To Eat At A Fancy Restaurant As Though You Belong There
I get it. Your favorite restaurant is Big Chuck's Grilled Meat Wagon, parked between The Noodle Truck and The Taco Truck down at the daily lunchtime curbside bazaar of food trucks. Fine. I, too, love Big Chuck's selection of grilled meats. He's got some quality meats down there on the wagon, no one ...
How To Enjoy Twitter Without Working Yourself Into A Frothing Rage
In general, Twitter is superb. I use it for work, and I love it. As with anything, of course, there are minor aspects that'll make you want to spike your phone/computer into the pavement. But there are incredibly simple actions you can take to minimize the amount of Bad Twitter you have to endure....
How to Cash Out Your Change
It's around 3 p.m., and I'm starting to run out of gas. My brain just has no juice. I'm a writer, and I work best in the mornings, so I try to be typing by 7:45 a.m., and with any luck I make it till 4 before the gears start to grind and the works gum up. But not today. Today, by like 3:15, the wo...
How To Bury Your Parents
Your mom is going to die. Your dad is also going to die....
No Jokes, Period: A Polite Guy's Guide To A Girl's Time Of The Month
Sometimes the most basic piece of information is also the most helpful, and so, as we begin what I should warn you up front will be a long, intense treatise on this topic, let me tell you this: No two women's periods are alike. Our periods are as unique as we are, which, of course, makes understandi...
How To Cook Some Tasty (For Once!) Cabbage, For St. Patrick's Day
I love St. Patrick's Day. I know it's terribly unfashionable to admit so, but I love it all: I love the wearing of the green, I love the dogs in costume, I love the KISS ME I'M IRISH buttons. Give me a pair of glittered, bobbly shamrocks affixed to a headband and I'm one bonny Irish lass. The gree...
How To Fight Depression
It has been a long goddamn winter. (At least it has here on the Eastern Seaboard of the United States, i.e. the center of the known universe.) If you and your people are anything like me and mine, all your conversations over the past few months have tended towards serious discussions of the end ti...
How To Make Mashed Cauliflower, Because It Goddamn Tastes Great
This article originally appeared on October 12, 2013. I'm republishing it today because I went on an insane cauliflower kick this week, and also for the lesser reason that I couldn't find good ingredients for what I wanted to cook. If you're looking for something especially St. Patrick's Day-ish, ...
How To Talk To Your Kids About Sexual Assault And Sports
When I thought my son was old enough to understand the concept of "no means no," I said those exact words to him when he appeared unwilling to back away from a confrontation-in-the-making. This kind of situation arose frequently—the playground, a playdate, just being around his younger sister. "Jo...
How To Eat More (And Better) Fruits And Vegetables So You Don't Die
I live in Boston, which is to say that over the course of the past month or so I, along with millions of disgruntled others, have on more than one occasion found myself snowbound without proper provisions. I went to my local grocer in anticipation of an impending storm—this sounds a lot nicer than i...