Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
•Eugenio Velez's jersey came out looking a little different than his teammates'. What in the hell is San "Francicso?" For that matter, what in the hell is a Eugenio Velez?
•Keith Tkachuk calls it quits after 18 seasons. Too bad he couldn't hold on one more season, or he could have retired a Winnipeg Jet. (Just kidding, Phoenix fans!)
•Five UK players declare for the NBA Draft. Surprising that they're all willing to take that cut in pay.
•The NBA fessed up and admitted that C.J. Miles hacked the shit out of Kevin Durant on that last three-point attempt, and the refs blew the call. Oh good, because Kevin Durant needs makeup calls in his favor.
•Don Nelson sets the NBA win record, but considering he did it with a bunch of D-Leaguers, and beat the T-Wolves, I think it gets a big ol' asterisk next to it.
Rise and shine, folks. Someone will be with you shortly.