A good portion of Americans join softball leagues this time of the year. Many do it for the social aspect alone, which leaves many teams stockpiled with players who are ridiculously awful.(Warning: Disturbing images ahead.)
Each week, we'll rundown some of the more comically bad softball atrocities by some of these players. If you've got your own, please send it along to email@example.com. Of course, these are [Sic'd] for your viewing pleasure.
You Take Your Life In Your Hands When You Play Third Base
Here is my softball injury that I am hoping you will add for the pleasure of your reading audience. . .
This happened last July. I was playing even with the bag at 3rd base for my company's mens softball team in Birmingham, AL. The batter smoked a line drive my direction. I did not even have time to react. I had only enough time to get my glove up to my mouth but obviously that was not high enough. The ball hit me square in the forehead (I was told by my teammates that the ball landed near second base in the air after being deflected off my forehead). It did not knock me out but it did knock me to the ground, my nose started bleeding immediately and I could feel the indention in my forehead. By the time I reached the ER my forehead was swollen to the size of the softball. After having a CAT scan done, I was told my sinus bone in my forehead was fractured and would need surgery to prevent my forehead from having a softball size indention after the swelling went down. Luckily my brain was fine the sinus bone stopped the ball from fracturing my skull. I had about a three hour surgery on July 29th (my birthday), they had to insert about 15 mini-metal plates to put the bone back together. I have attached three pictures. The first two are after the injury before my surgery. The third one was taken by my doctor before he closed me up on the surgery table. You can see the metal plates he had to attach. Needless to say no more third base.
Knees Are The First To Go
Most expensive softball season ever.
New composite bat, check. Position on our grad student/faculty/significant other co-ed team, check. All was in place for another exciting league of coed recreational league slow-pitch softball last August. We were just hoping to win a game this season. Sadly, my season ended as quickly as it began.
In the first game, I got my first base hit and was feeling pretty good. Standing at first, I trotted off the base as the next batter hit a fly. Fly was caught and I tagged back on first... as simple as a task as it gets in softball... right? WRONG! As I reached the bag, my leg planted funny on the edge and quickly locked. My momentum carried me around and my knee twisted with a large POP. I instantly fell to the ground and tried to access what the heck just happened. Meanwhile, the wife is laughing at me because she thought I got hit in the nuts. Helped off the field, that was the end of the season for me.
To make a long story short, the $30 softball season turned into the most expensive in both time and monet ever after numerous Dr. visits, a MRI, ACL reconstruction surgery, and P.T. that I'm still working at. At the current pace, I'm still plan on being back on the diamond for the upcoming season in the fall, however.
Aw, Lay Off The Lil' Feller
I played in a typical beer league for about 6 weeks. All the other dudes were overweight beer drinking louses whereas I am 5'4 and about 145 lbs. Also, most of these guys hit massive home runs and all i did was spray it around the outfield like an even shittier version of David Eckstein. Anyways no one on the team could catch the damn ball so i decided to play first base. Obviously i made a super shitty target but i could jump and usually didnt let the ball go by me. Well our third basemen made a very high throw towards me so i backed off the bag so i could prevent the kid who hit it from going to second on an error. Maybe i wasnt paying attention but the guy hit my arm and right side while running through the bag and spun me around, dropping me pretty damn hard. I played the rest of the game but i had some trouble breathing. After the game I pondered whether or not to go to the hospital. None the less I had 3 broken ribs. Also, everyone thought i was a pussy since i didnt play the next week.
Sir, I Find This Story Very Questionable
POSSIBLE FABULIST: I play softball in Chicago. One of my teams did not have the required 8 people to start the game. There was a homeless guy watching the games so we asked him to play with us. The latecomers showed and we eventually had 10 including the homeless guy.
We were down one run in the bottom of the 7th with bases loaded, two outs and the homeless guy at bat. The homeless guy hit the ball just over the woman playing 2B. The runners from third and second made it home. The homeless guy ran to first, but his false teeth fell out so he stopped to pick them up. Left centerfielder threw the ball to 1B for the force. Game over.
ME: Get out of here. Naw uh. I don't believe it.
POSSIBLE FABULIST: It happened almost 10 years ago and the worst part is the guy just rubbed the dentures on his pants and put them right back in his mouth!
Now, That's A Scrape
I wasn't going to share this, but after seeing the sorry excuse for a 'leg injury' that someone sent in on 5/20, I feel that I have to. We played in a men's league in Denver last year at a park that was pathetic at best, with a gravel infield that made a parking lot look soft. My buddy tried to stretch a single into a double, and when it turned out to be a close play, his baseball instincts took over. He slid into second, even though he was wearing shorts. He got this beauty to show for it. The wound got infected, and his leg swelled up to twice it's normal size, so he had to go to the hospital. I haven't seen him slide since. Enjoy.