We Always Thought It'd Be Better To Be A Fake Somebody Than A Real Nobody

No matter what you do, no matter how awful ... no one ever thinks that they're a bad person.

When you have his attention, you feel like you're the only person in the world: That's why everybody loves him so much.

If you think Tom is crushing you, you're ready to be a Deadspin advertiser. Click here to find out how.

• Circuit City • Curse of the Golden Flower • Fox Soccer Channel • SV Supreme Vodka