Earlier this week, reader Dustin asked who would win between an all-white NFL All-Pro team and an all-black NFL All-Pro team. Mind you, this question was asked without ANY ROOTING INTEREST, and without any hint of RAYCESSNESS. Are we clear on that? Good. BECAUSE WE TOTALLY SIMULATED THAT RACE WAR ON MADDEN TO SEE WHO WOULD WIN.
After seeing Tuesday's post, reader Joe took time to provide us with a full roster for both all-race teams. He had a few notes for us before revealing the roster:
-I didn't give the white team Haloti Ngata or any Pacific Islanders. Considering Ngata is one of the greatest DTs of all time, and because Troy Polamalu would also count as white, it was too unfair of an advantage for either team. And it'd really look bad if the white team gets an unfair advantage over the black team.
-Shaun Cody, who's half white, is on the white team because they would have no competent DTs otherwise. Justin Smith is already undersized at DT and couldn't play every down at the nose. The other white DTs after that are guys named Josh Brent and Scott Paxson. For the sake of minimizing a brutal black-on-white beating, Cody's on the White team.
-Another half white player, Jimmy Graham, is on the all-black team. That way, we can decide who's better: GRONK or Graham.
-Since there are no white cornerbacks, Eric Weddle, who can play corner, gets moved there. Craig Steltz, who can't play corner or safety competently, is the other CB by default. Haruki Nakamura, who's half white, half Asian does qualify for the white team. There are only 5 white secondary players in the entire NFL. I thought about Tom Zbikowski as a nickel or starter, but decided he's better off pursuing a boxing career.
-The Black Team would have no qualified kickers. Chad Ochocinco did kick an extra point in a preseason game last year, so he's the kicker by default. In punting situations, the black team is better off throwing 50-yard bombs to Megatron or Fitzgerald against Steltz then actually punting. But, if they feel compelled to, I guess they can dress Randall Cunningham for punting purposes only.
Here are Joe's rosters:
WHITE All-Stars
QB: Aaron Rodgers/Drew Brees/Tom Brady
RB: Peyton Hillis
RB: Toby Gerhart
FB: John Kuuuuuuuhhhhhhnnnnnn
WR: Wes Welker
WR: Jordy Nelson
WR: Danny Amendola
TE: GRONK
TE: Jason Witten
T: Joe Thomas
T: Jake Long
G: Logan Mankins
G: Chris Snee
C: Nick Mangold
DE: Jared Allen
DE: Jason Babin
DT: Justin Smith
DT: Shaun Cody
OLB: Clay Matthews III
OLB: Jarrett Johnson
ILB: Brian Urlacher
ILB: Brian Cushing
CB: Eric Weddle
CB: Craig Steltz
SS: Sean Considine
FS: Haruki Nakamura
K: Sebastian Janikowski
P: Shane Lechler
KR/PR: Danny Woodhead
BLACK All-Stars
QB: Cam Newton/Michael Vick
RB: Ray Rice
RB: LeSean McCoy
FB: Vonta Leach
WR: Megatron
WR: Larry Fitzgerald
WR: Mike Wallace
TE: Jimmy Graham (also qualifies as white)
TE: JerMichael Finley
T: Jason Peters
T: D'Brickashaw Ferguson
G: Jahri Evans
G: Brian Waters
C: Maurkice Pouncey
DE: Dwight Freeney
DE: Jean Pierre-Paul
DT: Vince Wilfork
DT: Jay Ratliff
OLB: DeMarcus Ware
OLB: Terrell Suggs
ILB: Patrick Willis
ILB: Derrick Johnson
CB: Darrelle Revis
CB: Champ Bailey
CB: Johnathan Joseph/Charles Woodson
FS: Ed Reed
SS: Earl Thomas
K: Chad Ochocinco
P: None
KR: Devin Hester
I take issue with some of Joe's choices, but no roster here will ever be 100% agreed upon. Joe picked the All-Black team to win 70-56. Was he accurate? Well, we decided to have Owen Good from Kotaku simulate the game on Madden. He writes:
It is impossible to create the lineup Joe suggests in Madden NFL 12, much to EA Sports' relief, I am sure. The All-White lineup fits everyone he suggests under the cap with the exception of the third quarterback (Brady, in this case). This is thanks to the terrible secondary and the lack of GLORY BOYS at running back and wide receiver.
The All-Blacks are impossible. I had to forego Michael Vick (subbing in Terrelle Pryor), Mike Wallace (keeping Chad Ochocinco for assumed versatility) and dedicating myself to a 4-3 to get rid of Derrick Johnson and preserve the front four of Freeney, Pierre-Paul, Wilfork and Ratliff. I was still gasping for air in the secondary, hamstrung by my inability to get rid of injured contracts totaling $2 million each.
Even if could have disposed of Hiram Eugene and Rock Cartwright, I couldn't have wedged in Johnathan Joseph and/or Charles Woodson and Ed Reed. I sacrificed Reed for the highest-value free safety I could find—Seattle's Kam Chancellor, rated 84 with just a $600,000 cap hit. I had to let go of Joseph and Woodson as the third corners, also for cap reasons. The best cornerback I could fit under the cap was Kansas City's 83-rated Brandon Carr.
The final problem is the inability to assign non-kickers to punting and kicking slots in the depth chart, so there goes Ochocinco, rated 73 in kicking power and 60 in kicking accuracy, as your leg. That may sound halfway decent until you realize that the lowest rated kicker comes in at 81 in either category. I took Josh Bidwill off the free agent scrap heap, rated 81 in power and 87 in accuracy, and pretended he was black.
In the video, you're going to see non-all stars and sometimes players of different races on the wrong sideline or even in the plays (Goethel shows up for the Raiders, Ball for the Cowboys). This is because a) I didn't get a full 53-man roster full of white/black all stars and b) the aforementioned cap problem.
I did not intervene on the 2-yard field goal attempt at the end of the first half, judging that to be a PAT (it was, actually, kicked from the center of the field) which Ocho made. I did not show that in the video just because it's too jarring to have the white kicker there.
I'm sure Drew is noting the punt/kick disparity, and Hester returned nothing. User returns of any decent length are rare on this game and CPU returns are nonexistent.
The final result?
WHITE ALL-STARS 28, BLACK ALL-STARS 24
Now, this was only one simulation, so you'd have to run it 100 times or so to get a proper average score. And let's face it: The Black All-Star team was thoroughly hamstrung by Madden's bullshit salary cap rules. If there were no salary cap, then the outcome may have been radically different.
Here are how the stats broke down from Owen's simulation:
PASSING
Newton 14-23, 213 1 TD, 1 INT long of 52
Rodgers 12-23 153 2 TD, 2 INT long of 57
RUSHING
Newton 12-103 1 TD, fumble
McCoy 16-41 1 TD, fumble
Rice 22-85
Hillis 22-102
Rodgers 5-27, fumble
Gerhart, 4-11 TD
RECEIVING
Megatron 4-120
Fitzgerald 4-45
Graham 1-9
Finley 1-7, TD
Leach 1-9
Rice 1-4
Welker 4-50 TD
Nelson 4-76 TD
Witten 2-18
Amendola 1-6
Hillis 1-3
SACKS
No sacks for Black
Five for White
It's amazing how evenly matched these two teams turned out to be. One might be able to conclude that the NFL's nearly perfect mix of racial makeup could be part of the reason why it has such wide appeal across our fair and diverse nation. However, I prefer to be a shit-stirrer and proclaim that Madden is crazy racist.