What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums Last Year?

Deadspin’s Christmas Day tradition returns. It is time to sound the depths of the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. Below are the strangest, most awkwardly shaped, and least pleasant objects that America has shoved into its various holes. God bless us, everyone.

As always, objects are sorted by orifice, working south:

DEFLATED BALLOON

BEETLE

“PLACED TOILET PAPER IN EAR SO WOULDNT HAVE TO HEAR NEIGHBORS”

CHESS PIECE

PLASTIC DRINKING STRAW

PAPER NAPKINS

HAIRPIN

HAIR BAND

GASOLINE

“CRAYON STUCK IN EAR FOR 2 WEEKS”

END OF SHOELACE

FAKE DIAMOND

PAPER & AN ERASER

BALL FROM EYEBROW RING

DOG’S PAW

PEBBLE FROM THE FISH TANK

“STUCK A RAISIN UP HIS RIGHT NOSTRIL, BROTHER TRIED TO REMOVE WITH TWEEZERS BUT PATIENT MOVED”

STOVE PELLET

“WAS LAYING ON HIS BACK AT SCHOOL WHEN AN ERASER FELL INTO HIS NOSTRIL”

PLASTIC SNAKE

MAGNETS UP EACH NOSTRIL

PLASTIC HEARTS IN EACH NOSTRIL

BABY WIPE

MINI HOCKEY STICKS

EGG DYE TABLET

RULER

BRANCH

STALE CAKE

“ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED A PILL BOTTLE WHEN TAKING HIS MEDICATION”

ASTHMA INHALER

“WAS OPENING A BOTTLE OF SODA W/ HIS TEETH & BOTTLE CAP FLEW DOWN HIS THROAT”

HOOP EARRING

PLASTIC HONEY FILLED STRAW

“PLAYING WITH A BLOW DART GUN, BLEW THE PIN OUT, IT HIT THE WALLFLEW BACK INTO PATIENTS THROAT AND HE SWALLOWED IT”

CANADIAN QUARTER

“INHALED A WASP WHILE JOGGING NOW THROAT SWELLING”

PAINT-STIRRING STICK & PAINT

“HELD DOWN IN ART CLASS, CLASSMATE SHOVED SEQUINS DOWN THROAT”

DOG SHAMPOO

GLOW STICKS

“EATING CLUB SANDWICH AND PART OF TOOTHPICK BROKE OFF, HE SWALLOWED IT, SCRATCH IN THROAT, ABLE TO FINISH SANDWICH”

“CARVED DOWN PIECE OF DOMINO INCISED PENIS INSERTED DOMINO PIECE INTO PENIS NOW WANTS IT REMOVED”

SANDAL BUCKLE

BB

DOLL SHOE

“HAD PEBBLE STUCK IN PENIS WHILE SWIMMING IN A LAKE 3 WEEKS AGO”

PEN CAP

PEN

3 INCH STRAIGHT PIN

“MARBLE IN PENIS, CUT PENIS TRYING TO GET IT OUT”

3 PAPER TOWELS

3 GOLF-BALL SIZE BOUNCY BALLS

6 SCREWS

PILL BOTTLE

USB ADAPTER

“SAT ON THE TOP OF A DOLL HOUSE AND THERE WAS A SPIKED ROOF”

KNOTTED ROPE

“WENT SWIMMING, WENT TO REMOVE TAMPON CANT LOCATE IT”

POINTY TOY PIG

“BOYFRIEND STUCK BOTTLE IN VAGINA. THE CAP CAME OFF AND GOT STUCK”

HALF A BAR OF SOAP

SHARPENED PENCIL

“PUT A BOUNCY BALL IN HER VAGINA, IT’S STUCK, WAS MASTURBATING”

“PLACED A BOBBY PIN IN VAGINA -STATES SHE DOES NOT KNOW WHY”

DOLL

SMALL PAINTING KIT

“PART OF A SILICONE DILDO BROKEN OFF”

CIGARETTES AND LIGHTER

SHOE HEEL

PIECES OF PLASTIC CUP, BROKEN CRAYON, PIECE OF PLASTIC, & STRAW

“POSSIBLE RETAINED VAGINAL FOREIGN BODY, USING VIBRATOR WHILE INTOXICATED”

“USING A VIBRATOR LAST NIGHT, THOUGHT WAS INSERTING IN VAGINA, INTERRUPTED BY MOM & SAT UP QUICKLY, INSERTED IN RECTUM, CAN’T REMOVE”

WINE CORK WRAPPED IN PAPER TOWELS, ELECTRICAL TAPE & A CONDOM

10 BROKEN CRAYONS

FLASHLIGHT

“PER WIFE PATIENT SAT DOWN ON A SCREWDRIVER AND IT WENT UP HIS RECTUM”

2 DILDOS

“PUT A PENCIL UP RECTUM TO MAKE BOWEL MOVEMENT TO GET GAUZE PATIENT SWALLOWED TO COME OUT”

PLASTIC MELATONIN BOTTLE

POSSIBLE SHOT GLASS

“RECTAL FISSURE MASTURBATING FOR HER BOYFRIEND USING A HAIRBRUSH IN HER RECTUM YESTERDAY”

NAIL CUTICLE TOOL

EGG TIMER

CURTAIN ROD

“ICE PICK IN RECTUM TO PUSH HEMORRHOIDS BACK IN”

HANDLE OF A TOILET BOWL BRUSH

HAMMER

NUT AND BOLT

“SMILEY HAND TOY FROM VENDING MACHINE, MOM NOTED A RUBBER HAND PROTRUDING FROM RECTUM”

BINGO DAUBER

BINGO CHIP

DECORATIVE PUMPKIN

BOWLING PIN

“SHOESHINE CONTAINER ALLEGEDLY INTOXICATED DID NOT KNOW GF INSERTED OBJECT”

TUB DRAIN CAP

WIFE’S SIX INCH VIBRATOR

BROOM HANDLE

BASEBALL

SALT SHAKER

“MALE USING PLASTIC SEX TOY(VIBRATOR) THAT BROKE OFF IN RECTUM BUT LEFT WITHOUT TREATMENT”