Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Green Bay Packers

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Some people are fans of the Green Bay Packers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Green Bay Packers. This 2014 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.


Your team: Green Bay Packers

Your 2013 record: 8-7-1. For some reason I thought they had a better record than that, even with Aaron Rodgers hurt, but nope. That was their weird record. They were the only division champ last year with a negative point differential.

Anyway, the Packers season ended with a loss at home from the Niners in the Wild Card round. Maybe next time, The Beav will teach you guys how to properly block a kick.

Nothing brings me more delight than watching the Packers get owned by the Giants, Falcons, and/or Niners in their supposedly impenetrable cold weather. You people think your stupid frozen tundra, which is NOT tundra, somehow gives you a magical edge over all other opponents and fanbases. And then moron Eli Manning rolls in and cockslaps you all over the place. God, just thinking about it makes me wanna take my pants off. Did you know that Green Bay is SOUTH of Minneapolis? It's true. I know the Vikings play inside, but don't go pretending you guys are hardy Eskimo warriors when other people's cold is just as cold as your cold.

Your coach: Mike "The Beav" McCarthy, still reeling from those bad reviews he got for his lead role in Tammy. Anyway, the Beav's main job is to stand there while Aaron Rodgers does everything, and to let Dom Capers call 500 ill-advised blitzes per game. Dom Capers is the guy who thinks it's a brilliant idea to run the PUNT BLOCK as a defense in Madden.


Your quarterback: Aaron Rodgers, shown here sucking on some toes…

Image for article titled Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Green Bay Packers

Would a gay man chow down on a dirty lady foot? I think not. Aaron Rodgers loves himself some ladies, even if it means swallowing a few loose flakes of old toenail polish.


Like Drew Brees, Aaron Rodgers is secretly a sweet bro who rocks Affliction shirts and probably listens to Madison Rising to get his dick hard before a game. This is a part of the program where I disclose that I am a fan of the Minnesota Vikings (commence your snickering here), which means that I will spend most of this year hoping that Rodgers' breaks his collarbone a second time and then has both scapulas shattered for added effect. I'd like to see him put down for good. It would please me. Your backup quarterback is Matt Flynn, who scans the field for Jordy Nelson like a man who can't find his car in a parking lot.

By the way, the Packers line allows Rodgers to be sacked roughly three times a game, and is still terrible. Ice up that clavicle, son.


What's new that sucks: Say hello to the aging Julius Peppers, forced to play out of position in a 3-4 defense because Dom Capers isn't the sort of fellow who enjoys tailoring a scheme to talent. Why have Peppers rush the passer when you can surprise the offense by having him cover Megatron while sending the towel boy to rush the passer? NOW THAT'S ONE EXOTIC BLITZ. Also, the Packers just lost BJ Raji for the entire season thanks to a torn bicep (Note to self: tear Aaron Rodgers' bicep). Clay Matthews says tearing your guns is the greatest tragedy of all.

To improve the defense, the team drafted Haha Clinton-Dix in the first round, who hits people very hard, presumably because he's so angry about being named Haha.


STRANGER: What's your name?

HAHA: Haha.

STRANGER: What's so funny about your name? Is it Fartbarf?

This is still a lousy defense that will get a pass from announcers because the offense is good, and because announcers put wayyyy to much stock in the occasional sack and/or turnover.


What has always sucked: Kuhn. Fucking Kuhn. He's still there! What, did they give him a lifetime contract or something? Can't he die? At least Wes Welker is a productive whiteboy favorite. But the fucking Kuhn lumbers for a two-yard gain the stadium erupts as if locals have just been told that one Latino family has decided to move out of town. Meanwhile, Eddie Lacy is right there! Chant EDDIE, man.

God, these fans. These fat, slovenly rubes with their goddamn cheeseheads. Look at those things.

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You should be embarrassed. I'm embarrassed for you. That's the sort of thing you wear because you lost a bet. There's no PRIDE in rocking an ugly piece of headgear that screams I'M FAT BECAUSE I EAT TOO MANY DAIRY PRODUCTS. In addition to hoping Aaron Rodgers gets hurt, I hope a race of giant alien mice descend upon Wisconsin. And then, I hope those alien mice overlords see your cheeseheads and go the fuck to town on you. That's what you suckers deserve.


You can convince a Packers fan of pretty much anything: That Kuhn is a great player, that a cheesehead looks good, that any white linebacker with a ponytail is so HAWT, or that a Packers stock offering is worth a shit. Are you aware of what a remarkable scam the Packers' ownership structure is? It's one of the great lies of American sports. If a company offered stock the way the Packers do, they would be barred from the NYSE.

The stockholders own 4,750,937 shares outstanding, but dividends are not paid and the stock can never appreciate in value. The shareholders don't even get tickets for games at Lambeau Field. The only benefits shareholders actually receive are a vote for the seven-member board of directors election and a stock certificate. Packers spokesman Aaron Popkey equates share ownership to making charitable contributions to the team. According to Popkey, instead of a financial return on investment, the appeal of owning shares is validated through emotional support of the franchise.


That's right. Packers happily throw their money at the team in exchange for stock that is actively worthless, and then they brag about "owning" the team when they have as much say in how the team does business as I do! Bernie Madoff DREAMS about you people. Both the Steelers and Packers have that dreaded BEST FANS IN FOOTBALL vibe to them, giving themselves extra brownie points for bandwagoning onto a good team and rocking every last piece of tasteless merch they can get their fat paws on. I've seen you in bars, Packer fans. You're just as bad as the rest of them.

The entire Packers culture is centered around pretending. You pretend you invented bratwurst. You pretend you own the team. You pretend Reggie White wasn't a nutjob bigot. And you pretend Vince Lombardi was history's awesomest dictator. You have Lombardi to thank for the current football culture, where players are treated like five-year-olds and being a stoic, humorless prick of a coach is somehow a revered attribute. BY GAR HE MADE MEN OF THOSE BOYS.


What might not suck: If Rodgers stays healthy, the Packers are again a mortal lock for the division title and a loss at home to San Francisco in the playoffs. Also, Eddie Lacy really knows how to channel his anger from fat jokes. It's impressive.

Hear it from Packers fans!


Dom Capers.


I once went to a game at Lambeau and at the tailgate, there was a guy wearing a scarf made from his dead dog.



Mike McCarthy is basically Andy Reid with only a 46-inch waistline.


Mike McCarthy sucks and we all hate him. I'm not even going to get into the fact that he hasn't put Dom Capers out of his misery; that's low-hanging fruit. I would rather trust "Ask the Coach" on Madden to be more contextually aware when it comes to play-calling than McCarthy.



The sheer isolation of the Green Bay Area from other metropolitan areas has made an invincible echo chamber of stupid. I could go into endless examples of this, but probably the best ones would be people who still either A) think Favre was pushed out of town by Ted Thompson or B) plan to boo Favre when he comes back to retire his number.



Smug fatties.


This jersey. God this jersey.



The fans are incredibly entitled and prone to overreaction. Brett Favre was the franchise for sixteen years, played his last game almost four years ago, and there is still debate whether or not he will get booed at his number retirement ceremony, all because a bunch of adults had their feelings hurt that he wanted to continue playing after the organization moved on. Packers fans don't have the slightest idea how good they've had it for the last twenty plus years.

The Lambeau Field sound crew have never left 1994. If you go to a game you will hear "Crazy Train" at least 4 times alongside multiple Van Halen songs and all the "Jock Jam" favorites. This is probably so as not to offend the sensibilities of the fan base.



Fuck whoever's responsible for all those injuries. The Scott Tolzien era of last year felt what I imagine being a Vikings fan is like. Horrible.



If they ever lose a game the sky is falling and everyone from Ted Thompson to the waterboy should be fired.



We now have Colt Lyerla at TE! Most of you don't know who this is because he quit football in college and makes Tony Montana look like an amateur cokehead. But, Packer fans were lining up like one of Colt's coke lines in order to hop on this guy's pole. I've never seen a player so fawned over than this guy. Currently, he just passed through waivers unclaimed to end up on IR because he couldn't execute a hurdle during the Packers' Family Night Scrimmage.

I once was tailgating in Green Bay before a game. I had a buddy in college who knew a girl that lived in GB; she and I got connected prior to my trip to see the Packers-Saints in 2011. She was interested in me and interested in meeting up for a beer or two before the Packers beat up on the Saints. Keep in mind, this was an opening night game on a Thursday. Upon meeting her in the parking lot, completely shit-faced (with spittle from an earlier vomit on her shirt), this girl was standing up and incoherently blabbering about needing to really go pee. Well, she did. She pissed herself right down her legs and out from under her skirt. Soon after she finished, she looked at me said with a wink: "My house is around the corner. I need to change my gameday panties, want to help me take them off?" This happened at noon; 7 hours before the game was to begin.



Our fans are so entitled that they make New York Yankees fans look like laid-back realists by comparison.



Our fans are so fat, drunk, and sweaty that it takes two cops with tasers to put one down at Lambeau. You'd think with all the sweat, it would only take one.



I get caught every year in the same trap when talking football with other Wisconsin residents. I always forget that I have at best a 1 in 10 chance of not talking to a complete moron, because no matter how stacked the team has been since Ted Thompson took over, the majority of Packer fans out in the wild will find whatever weakness they can and point to it as the reason to fire everybody.

Thank God Packers stock doesn't give our fans any actual say in decision making, or else Eddie Lacy would be someplace else and the headline in Green Bay would read "Highest paid NFL RB Steven Jackson says he's still got something left in the tank"



I live outside Wisconsin, and as soon as I turned 21, I went to the local Packers bar for the first time.

In this dark and dingy venue there was one TV. In front of the TV sat an overweight man with yellow and green football pants that came up to the nipple area, and a Packersjersey with the sleeves cut off . I think his name was Spike, because the back of his jersey said "Spike."

Every time the Packers scored, TD or fieldgoal, Spike would stand up screaming, put a football helmet on, and smash heads with his helmet-toting fat friend who sat on the other side of the TV.

While this drunken revelry played out, a large woman walked around the bar passing out cookies. The back of her jersey said "Spike's Wife."



I was in a bar a few months after the Packers 15-1 season and there was a man in his late 30's bitching about how Ted Thompson and Mike McCarthy needed to shake things up. He stated that "Thompson hasn't drafted anybody good". I casually mentioned he drafted Aaron Rodgers and Clay Matthews. He was unimpressed with those 2 draft picks.



I went to Lambeau last year for the -20 degree playoff game against the 49ers. Here is how my day went:

8 AM: Woke up at the fanciest hotel in Green Bay (Best Western).

9 AM: Ate breakfast at a diner down the street. It was one where you can watch them cook. The cook was missing a thumbnail and didn't use gloves. HE TOUCHED MY PANCAKES.

10 AM: Bloody Mary with Miller Lite chaser.

11 AM - 3:30 PM: See 10 AM.

3:30 PM: Walked into the stadium. Couldn't find my seat. Everyone is fat and these are bleachers with no dividers.

3:45 PM: Squeezed between a 300 lb man wearing suspenders and a couple of kids wearing snowmobile gear. Man smells like a Burlington Coat Factory.

4:40 PM: Game time! Can't feel my face.

6 PM: Left seat to get beer. Beer froze before I could drink it. Fuck.

7:40 PM: Packers lose.

9 PM: Grab dinner at Brett Favre's Steakhouse. Waitress told me that the whole staff would be let go after their shift that night. Nobody is in town if the Packers aren't playing.

10 PM: Steak is terrible.

Fuck that place, man.


Go to any bar in Madison or Milwaukee on a weekend, and you'll see at least five dipshit 20-somethings wearing this logo on a shirt or hat:

Image for article titled Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Green Bay Packers


Fuck Colin Kaepernick with a giant Valyrian steel cheese-grater.


Imagine the most stereotypical Wisconsin resident, age 60+...now imagine the most stereotypical Wisconsin accent...

Now, picture the following person saying this phrase repeatedly for the duration of an NFL game:


And with that, you've experienced a Packer game at Lambeau Field.

Fuck Golden Tate and the replacement refs with a rusty shovel.


Give us like three bad seasons with no QB play, and 90% of this fanbase is GONE.



Imagine a boxer taking every single punch from an opponent and only putting his glove up to block the punch that would end his life. Now imagine him getting praised for it. This is what the Packers' defence is like.



The team will lose a handful of starters for the season by week 7 because our training facility is built on an Indian burial ground and the team cafeteria only serves Malk. Rodgers will get a concussion at some point and maybe help Flynn con another desperate team. They will narrowly win the division. They will lose to the 49ers in the playoffs. Repeat for the next 2-3 years. A lot of fans of other teams would love the kind of consistency the Packers have, but no one in this frozen version of the Deep South is happy unless we win a Super Bowl.



Go to a game and seemingly half the crowd's birth year is on the wrong side of 1950. Stand up and cheer and the fucking geriatrics will harass you to sit down. They don't stand up, they don't cheer…you could plant some of them in front of their TV at home and they wouldn't even know they're not in the stadium.



On a team full of elite, fantastic black athletes you see . . . AJ Hawk jerseys.

All of those shots of completely empty streets and malls during a broadcast of a Packers game? It's because it's fucking Green Bay, Wisconsin. 355 days per year there's absolutely nothing to do, but ten days per year (including preseason) the Packers are on so, yeah, OF COURSE people are watching the game. There are no shots of a deserted Brooklyn during Giants games because there's other stuff that's interesting.



Fans drink from 8am gameday, through the game, back to parking lot after game for another few and then drive home and brag how they were almost blackout drunk driving home on the highway.

My son is tall for his age. He turned 6 and was at a birthday party for a classmate at a friend's home. Another father asked if my son liked football, as he was a coach of a Pop Warner team. I said he likes the Steelers. This caused him to recoil in horror. I then told him he doesn't want to play, since his friend who plays Pop Warner now gets bad migraines from a concussion he got in football.

The coach said, after sipping a beer (7yr old's birthday party mind you) "Oh, so you are raising a queer." I was shocked. He said that PCS is a myth and my son's friend was probably going to be gay as well.



They sell 22" kielbasa now at Lambeau. At least they know their target market.


There are two types of Packers fans . . .

1) Those who think Brett Favre is a traitor who should be tried for war crimes, and . . .

2) Those who own Vikings jerseys with #4 on the back and want Ted Thompson burned at the stake . . .

Both are assholes.

There are also female fans who refer to either Aaron Rogers or Clay Matthews as "my husband."



The fucking fans will still have a mental breakdown if we lose 2 games in a row. The only reason Lambeau sells out every game is so a bunch of 400 pound beer guzzling, cheese curd face-shoving fucks have an excuse to be hammered from 9AM to 4PM. Mike McCarthy is the worst play caller in history.



Lambeau Field is one of the worst venues in sports for a single reason: bleacher seating. Bleacher seating is fine in most venues: college football, baseball, etc. But this is the fattest fan base in pro sports. In northern Wisconsin, your average fan is simply too obese for bench seating. When combined with a native population that consumes (almost exclusively) cheese curds and encased meats, bleacher seating is like watching football in the NFL's version of cattle car. Boundaries between individual seats are merely theoretical. Fat overflows at Lambeau.

The problem has gotten worse over the years. While seating in the main bowl of Lambeau has not materially changed in 50 years, obesity has skyrocketed. The Packers have tried to fix the problem by adding regular seating in new portions of the stadium and in a few main bowl seats. But a 2003 study revealed that converting to regular seats would mean 12,000 fewer seats. And, you guessed it, the Packers don't want to shrink the size of the stadium by 15%. Attend a game at Lambeau and the problem becomes apparent: This is a fan base too fat for its own stadium.



To this day, plenty of fans still shit on Ted Thompson, the guy who has constructed rosters that have made the playoffs in 6 of the last 7 seasons, including a Super Bowl win. I love the team to death, but its fans deserve a GM like AJ Smith and 30 consecutive losing seasons.



The best two signings for the Packers' defense since 1994 are Jay Cutler's two contracts with the Bears.



The Brewers are in a pennant race, yet Don fucking Barclay injury reports headline the local news reports.

Mark "let's get the daughters into the hot tub!" Chmura still has a radio show on the local sports talk channel. He is also the best current option at tight end over Andrew Quarless and Brandon fucking Bostick.

Fuck Justin Harrell.

The Brewers have never won a World Series. The Bucks last won a title in 1971. The Packers won a Super Bowl four years ago, yet fans across Wisconsin will be calling for McCarthy and Thompson to be fired if they miss the playoffs this year.



Every winter game at Lambeau will feature at least 15 cutaway shots of a group of idiots with their shirts off. This will lead the announcers to comment on how people from Wisconsin are more accustomed to the cold. When you are carrying 300 pounds of fatty insulation and your heart is generating heat from beating 4000 times per minute you tend to stay warmer.



I bought a house five years ago from these rabid drunk Packers fans, who thought it would be charming to paint EVERYTHING green and white. They even covered the barbecue island with green porcelain tile. It took me four years to get rid of that. Since the house was a short sale, they didn't bother cleaning up, leaving behind empty plastic vodka bottles, bratwurst wrappers (imported from Wisconsin!) and a layer of cigarette butts. They looked like they were in their 60s, but I found out later they were in their late 40s. The first thing I threw out was the "Packer fans live here" sign stuck in the front lawn.

Oh, and this house is in Orange County, Calif.


We have a very good team, but I can't help but think that we can't get any further than the first round of the playoffs because our fucking team doctors are busy applying leeches to our players to try and remove the "bad humours" that are afflicting them.



Ted Thompson is basically someone's ghost. I challenge you to find someone paler, he's like a scout for the White Walkers in Game of Thrones.

Also our fans take are by far the most obnoxious and ungrateful. We're the only fans who will not hesitate to rub other fan's noses in our success (3 straight division titles) and with the same breath criticize EVERY aspect of the organization except for Aaron Rodgers. Last year many were mad at Clay Matthews for not playing through a broken thumb, and when he tried to play he REBROKE it and they were still mad.



Despite having arguably the best GM, coaching staff, and homegrown talent in the league, Packers fans will insist they should all be fired every time we don't win the Super Bowl.



My wife is in love with Clay Matthews. Fuck Clay Matthews. He had a good rookie year, but since then, he's been the Michael Bay of linebackers.



That miles long season ticket holder list that Green Bay is so proud of? There is a downside. Buy a ticket off Stubhub and roll the dice on what kind of loyal "fan" you get seated next to. Many season ticket holders are old, cranky dbags that are spoiled by two decades of incredible success. I went to a Packers-Bears MNF game last year. I had front row tickets. The young guy next to me immediately started fighting with the geriatrics behind him because they didn't want him standing and cheering (in the front row). The elderly lady on my left was asleep for much of the game. It must have been past her bedtime.



Because our fans and the Wisconsin press corps will call for McCarthy and Thompson's heads after we're bounced by the 49ers in the Divisional playoffs. Entitled beyond belief.



There is a part in the 1996 Super Bowl run documentary that I watche, where they talk about black athletes living in Green Bay. The athletes are polite, and try to play off some of the little quirks of being in the asshole of northern Wisconsin. They cut to a local strip mall where they ask a regular ass black guy living in Green Bay what it is like. His response "Everyone asks me if I play for the Packers".

This was in the team sponsored documentary.

AFC South: Titans | Jaguars | Texans | Colts


NFC South: Falcons | Buccaneers | Panthers | Saints


AFC West: Chargers | Chiefs | Raiders | Broncos


NFC West: Rams |Cardinals | 49ers | Seahawks


AFC North: Steelers | Bengals | Browns | Ravens


NFC North: Bears


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