We're Guessing Tice Got On The Wrong Boat

OK, time to dig into this Minnesota Vikings sex boat story.

The Minneapolis Star-Tribune reports that several Vikings players, led by cornerback Fred Smoot, got themselves a little orgy action on a cruise ship last Thursday. Supposedly the action got so hot and heavy — if we may borrow our grandmother's term, along with "hubba hubba," "making whoopee" and "blowing rails before banging some dude" — that the ship's crew members were actually offered money to join in the fun. (Same thing happened to Gilligan; honestly, the guy was just begging for that boat to crash.)

Quite a few interesting tidbits to pick out about this story.

• Having an orgy sex boat party on anything with the name "Lake Minnetonka" makes us giggle; we imagine those two ladies the kidnappers pick up in "Fargo" cruising Lake Minnetonka, trying to find guys with a couple cases of Hamm's. • The cruise was supposed to last 3 1/2 hours but ended 40 minutes in. (Men! Typical!) This is amusing not just for premature ejaculation jokes, but also because this apparently wasn't some late-night drunken orgy, the result of too much Veuve Clicquot; once they were on the boat, it was time to start humpin'. Time's a-wastin'! • The "acts" included "oral sex, masturbation and playing with sex toys." We desperately, desperately hope one of the sex toys was the Randy Moss mask. • The ringleader of all this was apparently Fred Smoot. We're no experts, but we're guessing that "Fred Smoot" has to be the least melodious name to yell out during the heat of passion on earth, save for maybe "Herbert Applebaum."

Anyway, with this story and everybody's favorite Barney Gumble Kyle Orton, we're starting to believe NFL players' bye weeks are like freaking Caligula.

Vikings Cruise Was Allegedly A Sex Party [Minneapolis Star-Tribune]