So, drinking and driving causes thousands of deaths a year, is extremely dangerous, completely irresponsible and potentially destructive. Drunken driving costs lives, and therefore isn't funny. OK? We're covered here, yes? Good.
Because we have to admit: The J.J. Redick DUI story has just been a gift. A beautiful gift, from heaven, delivered right into our laps. It's a gift that keeps on giving. We had so many jokes, we couldn't even get any of them out; fortunately, you, the Official Most Outstanding Commenters On This Here Interweb, more than took care of us.