So, drinking and driving causes thousands of deaths a year, is extremely dangerous, completely irresponsible and potentially destructive. Drunken driving costs lives, and therefore isn't funny. OK? We're covered here, yes? Good.
Because we have to admit: The J.J. Redick DUI story has just been a gift. A beautiful gift, from heaven, delivered right into our laps. It's a gift that keeps on giving. We had so many jokes, we couldn't even get any of them out; fortunately, you, the Official Most Outstanding Commenters On This Here Interweb, more than took care of us.
But seriously, though: Is there a single athlete in all of sports whose arrest for drunk driving would have provided sports fans more unbridled joy than JJ Redick's? Kobe Bryant? Naw, his story is dark enough already. Barry Bonds? That would just be piling on. It had to be JJ. No one could even pretend not to revel in it. It was really the perfect storm. And the shirt he's wearing in the mug shot ... aw, it's just too good.
In honor of J.J.'s own poetry pretensions, a a little Redick DUI poem, for those who might be up for it. And we'll leave you with another of our favorite comments from earlier today, from Big Daddy Drew.
"I am a leader who happens to coach douchebags. When my players get out onto the road, they're armed not with just Mickey's Malt Liquor or a 40 of Bull Ice. I want you drunk for life. I want you to develop as a drunkard. I want you to develop as a recklessly driving shitbox, and I want you to develop as a whiny little pussy who hangs a yooey to avoid the fuzz. My life isn't about playing games. It's about being a complete tool. That's why my card is American Express."