A Helpful Tip For Ozzie Guillen, And It's Free

Last night, before yet another brutal pasting of the Cardinals — hey, look, the White Sox just put another 10-spot on the board, and it's only noon! — White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen apologized for his reference to Chicago Sun-Times and "Around The Horn" "reporter" Jay Mariotti as a "fag," but not to Mariotti, saying, "Nobody likes that man here. I don't care what he thinks about me. Jerry [Reinsdorf] talked to me and said I should [think] about the word I used. [But Mariotti] is a piece of garbage, he always has been garbage and always will be garbage."

Taking the high road, Mariotti calls for Guillen to be suspended for two weeks in his column today, painting Guillen as a loose cannon (which is probably true) and himself as a beacon for responsible journalism and advocacy (which is ... BWAHhahaahahahaaha!!!!!).

Guillen obviously made a mistake in his choice of words, and his apology — to those he offended — was probably warranted. Therefore, to make sure that Guillen's next tirade against Mariotti does not end in an apology, we helpfully offer this list of perfectly acceptable and accurate names for Ozzie Guillen to call Jay Mariotti in the future.

• "Douchebag."
• "Asshead."
• "Jerkoff."
• "Dingleberry."
• "Fartknocker."
• "Fucktard."

Actually: We suggest "Fucktard." That one just feels right.

Sensitivity The Issue, Guillen The Problem [Chicago Sun-Times]
Your Gay Sports News Roundup [Deadspin]

(UPDATE: Jay The Joke is indispensible in this regard.)

(SECOND UPDATE: The Dugout is all over this as well.)