When we launched the Deadspin Pants Party World Cup Pick 'Em Game back in June, we promised a free post for the winner. It turned out it was Alan Fortunate, with his "Enrico Pilazo" entry, scoring 99 points, just edging out E. Shepard's "Snitches Get Stitches" entry. Fortunate actually ended up sixth in the entire ESPN pool, compared to our impressive showing of 38,739.
The prizes? Standard, around here, really: Fortunate receives a copy of Family And Other Accidents (which you should buy!) and Life As A Loser (which you should also buy!). And Fortunate also receives the rare, and hopefully valued, free post.
So, after the jump, Fortunate's use of his free post, which is all about Brent Musberger and sports mustaches. Which is fine with us. Congratulations, Alan.
Since I won the World Cup pool, I suppose I should write a little something about soccer. So here it is - when I die, and if I'm judged to be a bad person, Brent Musburger will be at the gates of hell to welcome me with open arms.
It's bad enough that as a Michigan grad I have to listen to him butcher Saturday after Saturday for my beloved Wolverines. When we lose to Ohio State again this year (and we will, because I have as much faith in Lloyd Carr's coaching ability as I do in his ability to bag Jessica Simpson), Brent will be there to add insult to injury with his Keith-Jackson-Wanna-Be commentary. The man can't get through two consecutive plays without consulting a media guide, and now he's brought on board to be ABC's go to guy for the largest sporting event in the world?
As Adam Sandler once said on "Comedy Killers" - "Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?" Does ABC not have a marketing team? Are they only doing research at retirement homes? We soccer fans had a hard enough time stomaching Marcelo Balboa (the reincarnation of Paul McGuire) as their #1 color man. Then they had to turn it over to Musburger to close out the broadcast. And if the pseudo-insight wasn't enough, we were lucky enough to see Brent Musberger in HD.
But then again, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the ABC brass are geniuses. They did just get to spent an entire month without Brent roaming the office.
Now that I got that rant off my back, on to the random gimmick portion of the post. In honor of Carl Monday, ranking the best mustaches in sports.
10) Andy Reid & Mike Holmgren. Its like they were plucked from the set of Bill Swerski's Superfans. The mustache that screams for polish sausage and Ditka.
9) Jeff Kent. Looks like Lt. Jim Dangle from Reno 911. Not that theres anything wrong with that.
8) Dave Wannstedt. Former Dolphin coach coincidentally looks like a villian from Miami Vice. A better winning percentage might have had him higher on the list.
7) Stan Van Gundy. I could make a joke about comparing him to Ron Jeremy here, but I think Bill Simmons has made 'em all already. In any case, when you look like the Hedgehog, you make the list.
6) Joe Tiller. Kind of a Wilford Brimley thing. Just seems to click with the senior citizen glasses. Classic. Nice and bushy. If it were combined with fellow Boilermaker Gene Keady's combover, it would be unstoppable.
5) Rafael Palmeiro. The kind of a mustache you see on guys driving unmarked black vans past school playgrounds. I'm still shocked that a man sporting this stache would lie about taking steroids.
4) Peter Gammons. He may not have it now, but its too good to pass up. Nice find by EDSBS. Get well, Pete!
3) Adam Morrison. Did you know he cried during the NCAA tournament? I didn't. I was too fixated on this absolute gem of a Chesse-stache. The true basis of all Larry Bird comparisons.
2) Jake Plummer. When people petition to have you grow it back, you know have something special.
1) Bill Cowher. Mustaches are funny. But this is the one mustache you would be scared to laugh at. He makes #1 out of respect. And fear.
Lifetime Achievement Awards
- Rollie Fingers. Only 2 people have really had mustaches named for them. One is Hitler. The other is Rollie Fingers.
- Lanny McDonald. THE hockey mustache. Defines what a "bushy" mustache should be.
- Coach Lou Brown from Major League. Goes well with the 2-pack-a-day voice. Though I still can't figure out how he had Ricky Vaughn starting games AND coming out of the pen to close. A different game back in the 80's I guess.
Thanks for the post Deadspin. And to paraphrase a great man: "It seems we make these posts, and sometimes, you know, they're considered filthy or something by some people. But I don't think that's true. These posts we make, they can be better. They can help. They really can. I mean that.We can always do better. I'm going to keep trying if you guys keep trying. Let's keep rockin' and rollin', man."