Only A Matter Of Time Before This Becomes An Olympic Sport, You Know

It is at once Carl Monday's worst nightmare, and everyone else's dream come true. On August 5, hundreds of people will gather in a hall in central London to, um, pleasure themselves for charity. We only wish we were kidding about the UK's first "masturbate-a-thon," in which contestants — both men and women — will compete in a series of self-love events to raise money for safe sex groups. We hear you snickering; but as Woody Allen once said on the subject, "Hey, I don't make fun of your hobbies."

Contestants will vie for the world record, which is more than eight hours of, well, you know. From the Guardian Unlimited:

To qualify for the record, the organisers say "at least 55 minutes of every hour shall be spent self-pleasuring by manual or sex toy stimulation" with participants getting just five minutes to "replenish and renew".

It's all part of "Penis Week," as if you didn't know.

And if Monday isn't on a plane to England at this very moment, then he's not the reporter we thought he was. As for Mike Cooper, well, this is tailor-made: Instead of ducking TV cameras in shame, he could be our Takeru Kobayashi, only, you know, with a mustache.

More Tossers On TV [Guardian Unlimited]
One Final Monday-Cooper Explosion: Be Ready [Deadspin]