Our Secret Company Memo Is Leaked

As you might remember, we've brought in three new people to work the site on the weekends: Matt Sussman, J.E. Skeets and Unsilent Majority. Because they are new hires, they obviously have lots of questions about the corporate structure we have here.

We here at Deadspin are nothing if not receptive to the concerns of our employees; we do what we can to make this a comfortable, productive workplace for all the minions who pass the hallowed halls of our Brooklyn campus. Our corporate vision is one of actionables, deliverables and integrated solutions. It's a value-added proposition of synergistic branding.

Therefore, we felt we needed to respond to the questions Mr. Sussman filed through his appropriate human resources representative. After the jump, the intraoffice Deadspin memo.

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Question: What was done with the old site design? Did they just throw it away? Because that can't be good for the environment.

Answer: Whenever we eliminate old designs, we always replenish with new banners and Gawker Artists paintings wherever possible. An infuriating redesign is always part of our master planning. We will be adding new avatars along the southern boundary of the teleport.

Question: Iracane's cubby hole is generating an aroma which is quite distracting. To whom do I report this?

Answer: Unfortunately, alternative fuel buses are presently not manufactured in a size appropriate for our use. Please talk to your supervisor at the appropriate time. We hope all our employees are able to interact in a fashion that maximizes their production.

Question: Will Deadspin be installing a milkshake machine in the near future?

Answer: We take all our dietary needs seriously. The current selection of Popsicles and Fruit Roll Ups are accompanied by complimentary vials of insulin.

Question: When I receive my W-2 form at the end of the year, do I have to claim all Deadpoints ("+1s") received by commenters?

Answer: Currently our parent company's policy is unclear on this; we suggest reviewing the company handbook on "Imaginary Scoring Systems," which can be found in Section XIX, Subsection vi, Page 92, Paragraph 37.

Question: The interdepartmental system is confusing. What's the best way to better understand the roles of the editors at the other Gawker Media blogs (Defamer, Gridskipper, etc.)?

Answer: Your supervisor can share with you the expectations of the role and share the job family grid which outlines the career progression for a group of jobs. We remind that Fleshbot is not to viewed during office hours. But please do not bother the Jezebel family.

Question: Without naming names, I am suspecting that J.E. Skeets ate my lunch. Will there be a seminar for new employees on common refrigerator etiquette?

Answer: We are reviewing our current policy on this and plan to meet next month to discuss the possibility of formulating a potential examination of this and many other issues.

Question: The drawers in the cubicle I was assigned creak every time I open and shut them. How can we go about requesting a new cubicle?

Answer: We currently have three spots near the duck pond, and two just to the left of the teleport. We remind you that headphones are required, and that you are only allowed to listen to Idolator podcasts.

Question: Rick Chandler's PowerPoint presentation, How To Write The 'To Watch Tonight' Post was very confusing and had too many charts. How can I obtain a copy of it, so as to study it on my own?

Answer: Careers at Deadspin fall into two paths: managerial and individual contributor. Due to the nature of our work, both paths are very important to our success. We will always need strong managers to provide direction and focus, as well as individuals that bring unique and often highly creative skill sets. You, sadly, are neither. We request you leave Mr. Chandler be.

Question: The lady in HR. Is she single?

Answer: Yes, but Jimmy Kimmel is still yelling at her.

Question: Some sports barely get mentioned at Deadspin, unless it shows the sport in a negative light. Will our editorial coverage ever expand to other sports, like hockey or NASCAR?

Answer: The ratings we guarantee to our advertising partners are based on previous year's performance. Limiting our exposure to liability is predicated on our ability to maintain and or improve the ratings performance of our programs from the previous year. Balancing commerce and content is never an easy task. We recommend shaving the Number 3 into your back hair.

Question: Does time spent at a Deadspin Pants Party constitute as overtime pay?

Answer: We use multiple factors when considering staffing numbers and continually evaluate the relationship between cost, staffing numbers and quality of life. Information such as that provided from the Employee Opinion Survey and continual feedback from employees and our fans help us make the best decision on staffing. If you have specific suggestions on how we may approach staffing in a new way, please let your manager know.

Question: What countermeasures are in place to prevent customers from going into the Deadspin archive room and, how do I say this, perform a sex act on oneself?

Answer: There are no countermeasures in place.

ESPN's Secret Interoffice Complaint Memorandum [Deadspin]