Deadspin
Don't worry: Rick wasn't the only person to notice that our Cardinals sure do seem to have a lot of steroid folks on their team.
By our count, the following folks have had some sort of connection with this whole steroid business:
• Rick Ankiel.
• Ryan Franklin.
• Troy Glaus.
• Juan Gonzalez.
• Ron Villone.
And Tony La Russa was interested in Barry Bonds, remember. (And boy, what could have possibly gone wrong there?)
We've been asked if we have some problem with this, if we are some sort of Tony La Russa apologist, the same way he has been an apologist for all the steroid abusers he's managed over the years. We're not sure why this is; LaRussa is one of the most fun people to make fun of in sports. (He does it to himself.)
Our issue is not with LaRussa, who's just a guy who wants to win some games after all. (Is it a manager's job to kick guys off his team for doing steroids? That would seem like the exact opposite of what a manager should do.) It's our general exhaustion with the whole steroid business, which, we suspect, most of you share. Juan Gonzalez did steroids, Paul LoDuca did, Shawne Merriman did ... at the risk of sounding "cynical," how does this affect the price of butter in Egypt again?
The joy of being a sports fan, rather than someone involved in the echo chamber of sports as profession (ahem), is that sports doesn't have to be this big morality play for us. We can all hope that our favorite players are not on steroids, and we can boo those on other teams who are (or at least rumored to be), but we don't have to carry this stupid weight on our shoulders, as if our games have been ruined. This is not our life, this sports; this is something we enjoy to get away from our worldly woes. We didn't grow up worshiping Mickey Mantle; we grew up worshiping Michael Jordan, who probably got kicked out of the NBA for a year for gambling. We have no illusions about our heroes. They are flawed people who probably took some drugs to get ahead because it's really stressful and difficult to be a successful athlete and sometimes you feel like you need some help to stay in the game. It doesn't excuse it. It just makes the whole issue so tangled and so overwhelming that eventually you have to just say, "Aw, fuck it ... just play ball already." Boo, cheer, hiss, whatever: Just win, team, would ya?
This is the healthiest attitude we can imagine a sports fan mustering, and it's why when we boo Tony LaRussa this year, it'll be for starting Aaron Miles, and not for starting Juan Gonzalez. Though we suspect we'll probably end up doing that too.
Cards Reject Portrayal As Lax On Drug Use [St. Louis Post-Dispatch]
(Throughout the upcoming baseball season, we'll be doing occasional Cardinals-centric posts that the millions of humans unfortunate enough not to be Cardinals fans won't care about. We'll label them accordingly and try to keep them out of your way. Consider this the first one.)
Comments
YADIER FUCKING MOLINA WAS ON STEROIDS
/2006
McGwire's forearms are about as thick as my legs. And I have pretty thick legs.
At least the Brewers are taking a tough stance against PED users...Oh wait, nevermind.
Seriously though, who cares. I'll trade a World Series title with a bunch of PED abusers than another last place finish with a bunch of "good" guys. It's a sad reality.
No mention of Eckstein's use of Dexatrim?
Thanks for attaching the label at the bottom. That's like an STD warning post-coitus.
It was Daniel La Russa's steroid use that broke my heart.
@Deadspin:
He's just guilty of being on Cuervo.
Interesting tidbit: La Russa means "the Russa" in Spanish.
Scott Spiezo was definitely on something this past weekend.
the Cards stuff is OK, just don't fall into the trap of using the line "Donna Martin graduates" in every column.
Are we certain this isn't just senility creeping in?
...how does this affect the price of butter in Egypt again?
Depends on when that team of 'roid freaks starts lactating.
So this is going to become just like Simmons' column except you replace Cardinals with Boston?
"Macho Man" Randy Savage played minor league ball with the Cards. I'm guessing he 'roided too.
@Chuckie Hacks 2 and 0: The '93 Phillies would like to have a word with you.
LaRussa's best claim to fame is a baseball video game. That and getting hammered...
What about the Cardinal tattoo? Surely you're not gonna let it slide.
Sports have become soap operas for us boys (and cool girls). That's why we want to know about them steroid users. Otherwise, we'd just want our team to win, who cares how.
Look, I've explained this to you, if we can just get the guys to inject the cotton, it will drive up the price in Egypt, allowing me to unload my stock of returned Rick Ankiel jerseys in Zaire, and giving me the ability to buy back that Hot Dog crop that Prince Fielder destroyed.
/Milo'd
I hear Stan Musial liked to hop up on the goofballs.
@Jefferson Short Bus: Macho Man was undervalued. Bill James hadn't yet come up with a statistic for top turnbuckle elbow drop accuracy.
@JohnCocktosten: Only if Will references Black Table alumni in every post.
.
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On Tony LaRussa, Drinking And Why We Jus't Can't Care Anymore
By our count, the following folks have had some sort of connection with this whole drinking and driving business:
• Tony LaRussa
• Josh Hancock
• Scott Spiezio
• ???
I have money on Cesar Izturis.
LaRussa just hasn't been the same since he had Fredo whacked on the lake.
Is this the beginning of "God Save the Fan 2?"
Ste-roids?
Also, the most amazing thing about that picture is that I can recall a time when Mark McGwire wasn't a whole lot bigger than Tony La Russa himself. Now, well, I mean his groin is basically always in La Russa's line of sight.
@Jefferson Short Bus: Or that he knows a certain talk show host
@Jefferson Short Bus: Macho Man did no steroids. He bulked up purely on Slim Jims.
@Coming Into The Game, ♪♪ ♪♪♪ #J23 - The Superstar Receiver,...: Cesar Izturis misses everything, what makes you think he'd be able to handle a needle in the ass?
When did the Brawny Paper Towel guy play for the Cards?
@HebrewHammer: +1, I now have the sudden urge to snap into one.
So when the Cardinals finish in 5th place is he going to write about them more or less than normal?
They have butter in Egypt?
Bully for Cardinals-centric posts!
I think we "care" about steroids, et al, because otherwise this is all just the WWE... but I think you've got the right idea with your attitude here, Will.
The Cardinals should really be more concerned about every other drug their team abuses. I've seen cleaner MTV reality show sets.
remember those times when the biggest drug use concerns in baseball were weed and coke. those were fun times. can't we just go back to suspending and fining players for using performance detractors?
@FightTiger: He's attempting to breed a new generation of Cardinals fans.
@Doyle McPoyle:
That's some catch!
@Jefferson Short Bus: Instead of the Gashouse Gang, do we call this generation the 'Roided Redbirds?
I don't care as long as we can move on and PED's stop being abused in sports. I do care when records start being broken with the assist of PED's. I don't care what anyone says, that display this summer was fucking shameful.
@iantenna: Steve Howe would like to give you a +1 for that comment but he's dead.
I remember a simpler time in baseball when all we had to worry about were innocent mishaps like a 39 year old scout beating off in a hotel while ogling a pair of underage girls...those were the days.
I personally dislike Juan Gonzalez because the Royals picked him up when he was suffering the after effects of steroid abuse.
...come to think of it that goes for Benito Santiago too.
Will, repeat after me:
HGH is not a steroid.
HGH is not a steroid.
HGH is not a steroid.
HGH is not a steroid.
HGH is not a steroid.
HGH is not a steroid.
HGH is not a steroid.
HGH is not a steroid.
HGH is not a steroid.
No mention of Eckstein's use of Dexatrim?
But his doctor told him that those pills were Flinstones Vitamins!
@twoeightnine:
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh I hate that Eckstein is on the Blue Jays.
We have no illusions about our heroes.
What about the "if you could believe in Rick Ankiel, you could believe in anything" thing?
Cardinals-centric posts?
Fuck yeah.
@Chuckie Hacks 2 and 0: He may write about them less, but I'll pick up the slack. I've been a fan longer than Will's been alive.
On the La Russa front, my biggest gripe with him(well, other than the 473 double switches he makes every game) is his complete denial when it comes to the PED situation. He even went so far as to tell Post-Dispatch columnist Bryan Burwell last week that he truly believes McGwire never took anything. I've never been a big La Russa supporter, but neither have I been one to constantly bang on him. This time, however, I can't be in his corner.
@muggsybogues:
He's also a transvestite
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