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The NHL Closer is written by Greg Wyshynski, of FanHouse and The Fourth Period. He is also the author of Glow Pucks And 10-Cent Beer.
What a gratifying night of pucking. Nashville pulls off a Frank Wycheck-level miracle. The Capitals win their first playoff game since 2003. The Oilers are dead, Ottawa's shitting the bed, and I'd give Zach Parise a hug if it weren't journalistically and heterosexually irresponsible. But sir, nobody worries about upsetting Vancouver. And that's because Canucks don't pull people's arms out of their sockets when they lose. Colorado is known to do that. I'd suggest a new strategy, R2: Let the Wolski win.
I wouldn't call this an official prediction, but rather a conclusion drawn from empirical evidence: If Peter Forsberg is healthy, Colorado will win the Western Conference. The Avs are now 7-1 when the Puck Messiah is in the lineup; the problem is that he's so damn porcelain at this point in his career that he may never play five consecutive games again. Floppa had the clincher in last night's 4-2 win in Vancouver, scoring his first goal since giving up a life of sipping chilled Svedka in a Swedish mountain spa for the chance to give old man Sakic one more ring. But it was the one-two cock-punch of Milan Hejduk's goal — thanks to a little unpunished Paul Stastny interference on Luongo — followed by Wojtek Wolski's game-winner 35 seconds later that killed the Canucks and clinched a playoff berth for the Avs. Vancouver's toast if it keeps making the mistakes it made against Colorado; and if they do, the Canucks might discover their fans can talk shit on their local boys as well as they do on the visitors.
To Catch the Predators. Nashville moved into the eight seed with a miraculous 4-3 overtime win in St. Louis last night. Dan Ellis, the team's backbone in goal for most of its run this year, was chased by three fairly soft Blues goals in the first period. Deposed starter Chris Mason comes in and it's Stonewall Jackson time - 10 saves on 10 shots, allowing Jordin Tootoo and Vernon Fiddler to complete a comeback to tie the game, and then some guy named Rich Peverley to net the game-winner in OT. Peverley's got 44 NHL games under his belt and has played most of the season, but honestly I don't think I've ever typed his name before. All I know is that he's from a place in Ontario named Guelph, which I believe is the sound you make when you violently belch with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Nashville did catch a mighty big break last night, as Jay McKee appeared to have put the Blues back on top after Fiddler's game-tying goal but it was waived off due to goalie interference. I've made it no secret that I'd rather not see Nashville make the postseason cut, but last night's effort had me thinking otherwise. Although, in the end, Rachel from HLOG said it best: "They're the team that everyone wants to hate and root against because that just seems like the right thing to do."
Nothing I Can Say Will Capture the Utter Hysteria in Ottawa Over Losing 3-0 to Montreal and Being Just Two Points Ahead of the No. 9 Seed with Two Games Left, So Take It Away Ottawa Sun:
I Saw Red. I saw a lot of things at the Caps game last night. I saw a guy try to sneak a beer into the game by pouring it into a (clear) Gatorade bottle, making it appear as though he was trying to smuggle his own urine through the turnstile. I saw Washington unleash the fury on a Carolina team that couldn't answer the bell: A 4-1 win that tied the Caps with the Hurricanes with 90 points but still left them one win behind with two games left (against Tampa Bay and Florida, for both teams). It was the franchise's most important game in five years, so I saw Caps players throwing their bodies around like never before — who knew Semin could be so coarse? I heard 18,000 fans dressed in red chanting "M-V-P!" when Ovechkin scored his 63rd goal of the season to ice the game and tie Luc Robitaille's season record for a left-winger; and then I saw that silly bastard watch himself on the Jumbotron has his raised his left glove several times to encourage the chants to get louder. It was one of those nights where you couldn't even conceive of the Capitals missing the playoffs with just two games left — even if the numbers tell a different story.
In Other Life-Altering Action Last Night. Zach Parise didn't realize that the Devils still needed to win in overtime to clinch a playoff spot. So it's a good thing he scored, and they did. Also good: I can stop making 2007 New York Mets analogies to the Devils, and start worrying about the Rangers in the first round. ... Florida beat Atlanta in a game that meant nothing. But more importantly: Did you know there's a guy named Jordan LaVallee-Smotherman playing for the Thrash? That's either the greatest Tom Wolfe character or soap opera vixen not yet conceived. ... More positive thinking in the Buffalo media after the Sabres stayed alive with a 4-3 win over the Leafs: "You can bet the house, the car, the kids and the dog that Daniel Briere will come through for Philadelphia in a victory tonight over Pittsburgh." ... Sharks 5, Kings 2; did you know Sharks games are bumping Golden State Warriors games on cable? ... Finally, a solemn farewell to the Oilers, as "Operation Cock-Tease" closes its Edmonton offices. And who else better than Calgary to end their season with a 3-2 victory last night? It's like having that neighbor (sorry...neighbour) that never returns your lawnmower smother you with a pillow. I don't think these teams like each other very much...
Puck Headlines
* Evidently, Puck That Hit has once again extended its "Who Has the Hottest Ice Girls?" contest. Ottawa's Ice Crew is only 2,230 votes behind poll-leading Chicago ... because they only have 66 votes. Poor ladies...and gentlemen. [Puck That Hit]
* Sidney Crosby is Gretzky-like in a lot of ways. Except for that whole goal-scoring thing. [TSN]
* Is fan-on-fan violence inspired by NHL brutality? "It's like suggesting NASCAR fans are reduced to speeding or reckless driving —it's utterly ridiculous." [Calgary Sun]
* You know when April Fools jokes aren't funny? When you really, really wish they aren't jokes. [NHL Tournament of Logos]
* Finally, that Vesa Toskala is one snappy dresser. "I like to go shopping and buy some nice clothing." You and me both, kiddo.
Comments
Jeez, that's some homeless problem they have there in Ottawa, eh?
Wookiee is spelled with two e's!
Johnny Oduya assisted both goals. . . I feel that something is slightly off with the world today. . .
The homeless mentioned on the left side of the Sun cover can take up residence in Ray Emery's place after the season.
For those who can't read the small print from the Hard Rock ad, it says
"Please? Anyone? We'll spring for free appetizers! Wanna come over and play Guitar Hero?"
@The Man with No Name: If this is the case -- and imagine it is -- then I must apologize to Will for not spell-checking a fictional character from a now nearly irrelevant science-fiction franchise. I guess, in the end, I'm not as smart as Yohdda.
I click on the NHL closer for the boobies, but today there are no boobies.
Buffalo media types are bitter because they don't write for a larger market in a warmer climate. Hence, their negativity.
Oh, and they're assholes, too. Bucky and Sully can choke on horse dick.
I saw a guy try to sneak a beer into the game by pouring it into a (clear) Gatorade bottle, making it appear as though he was trying to smuggle his own urine through the turnstile.
Guy's buddy: "Dude, why don't you just use an Arizona Iced Tea bottle?"
Guy: "Because Arizona Iced Tea is for pussies, THAT's why!"
It's a good thing that guy is a Flames fan. Otherwise his unusual last name might be totally irrelevant.
Boobies > Wookiees
Does anyone know someplace I could get a good deal on a Saturn or Saab if I should happen to be in the Ottawa area?
Wolski also kicked ass on Iron Chef Avalanche this week. This is also possibly the greatest idea for a TV show ever.
@MeSoHornsby: Incorrect. Martin Gerber made the front page of the Sun.
Most Embarrassing Chewbacca Moments:
1. Star Wars Christmas Cartoon
2. Tarzan yell during Endor battle
3. Wears Avalanche jersey
Oh dear Lord. I am ill. Physically ill.
In fact, I may not survive the week. In that case, I am bequeathing my commenter account to my dog. He's funnier than I am anyway.
@Jehovahs Witness Protection Program: I think it's in Bucky's contract to mention Drury and Briere in every column. The rest of us have already moved on.
@MeSoHornsby: I'm not sure what an NHL is, but I'm with you on this
NBA Closer 1, NHL Closer 0
The NBA closer has flexible dancers showing skin, and you fire back with Chewbacca in an Avs jersey?! Wyshynski, how could you?!
thanks to a little unpunished Paul Stastny interference on Luongo
That was to make up for a bullshit interference call on Foppa, thank you very much.
@parker91:
Yeah, but now he's got Campbell too, so that's an excuse to bring up the other two again.
This morning, I saw "Bucky Gleason" and "Chris Drury" in the same first line of an article and just skipped over it.
@BabaOje: "What's this? Iron Chef Wolski just put a slab of Hejduk in the ice cream maker!"
So did the guy make it in with his beer in a Gatorade bottle? I hate cliffhanger endings.
Oh, and when Briere doesn't come through tonight, I'm going to take his damn dog and punt it off a bridge.
/does that count as an Anchorman reference?
@Senators Lost Cojones: Tell me about it. The very real possibility of not making the playoffs kept me up last night. Suicide watch is officially on.
@Wyshynski:
Not as smart as Yoda you are.
It's too bad Tom Boilerssuck doesn't live in Indiana. He could put his name on an Indiana jersey and make a funny.
@parker91: Don't you wish you could go back in time? With all the knowledge you have now?
/Uncle Rico'd
/Bucky Gleason'd
Sakic is my co-pilot.
You can bet the house, the car, the kids and the dog that Daniel Briere will come through for Philadelphia in a victory tonight over Pittsburgh
I shall disagree politely.
@Afino: It's perfect.
@Doyle McPoyle: I had no idea McHale was going to bring it so strong today on the NBA Closer. This is why I suck a poker. Maybe I'm just riding high off Hayden-as-beer wench on Monday. Quick, someone post some broad with a hamburger on her head for me!
@Brad_Lee: I won't keep you in suspense. Here's how it ended:
Hollis snuck up behind me and let loose with a blood-curdling scream mere inches from my right ear. Then Hollis laughed. Then Hugh Douglas laughed. The end.
"I don't think these teams like each other very much..."
Yeah, you could put it that way.
@Wyshynski:..."Sorry, didn't get a chance to read this. I'm too busy searching Google images for a photo of Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Biel making out in front of a Columbus Blue Jackets pennant...ah, hockey journalism at its finest.
We would have settled for any decent boobage, if you couldn't find/photoshop the above referenced photo.
A wookiee in an Avalanche jersey? NBA guy has hot cheerleaders in some sort of animal print
Winner winner chicken dinner.
Oilers Suck guy should buy one of those Pronger jerseys and wear it instead. Basically sends the same message.
@Wyshynski: Touche. I put myself out there for ridicule. Nevertheless, I am still your father.
@LeNoceur: Whatever you do, don't go to Turpin Saturn Saab. I heard they totally screw you on the Trucoat.
I'm coming to save the day
+ Watch video
HOLY SHIT
@crazyjoedavola: Crazyjoebuccigross?
@Wyshynski: BTW, a wookiee is a species, not a character.
You know, just making sure everyone is clear on that.
/shows himself out.
@BabaOje:
I don't know, Arnie's chicken dish from a couple weeks ago looked fantasic.
@Pittsburgh Sports and Mini Ponies: Dude, that is so fake. I mean, a field-hockey locker room with one locker? Not in my world, friend-o.
@Carlton_Whitfield: I approved. At least he is a hockey guy.
I have tickets to the Rangers-Bridgeport game tomorrow night. Can you be a spoiler when your entire team is from the AHL?
@Wyshynski:
How about Hamburger body?
[laura.moncur.org]
@crazyjoedavola: The Red Wings were played by the Grand Rapids Griffins for a stretch there about a month and a half ago...
Greg, back away from the Buffalo News. It's worse for your health than growing up in NJ. I can summarize every article of the past year and predict all of this summer's with one phrase. 5 years, $25 million.