Beachwood, Ohio Cancels Little League All-Star Game to Boost Self-Esteem of Players, Retroactively Surrender to Germans

Great, so now every single kid in Beachwood between the ages of 9-12 thinks they're going to play in the Major Leagues instead of the twenty-five kids who make the All-Star Game.

"Yay, Timmy, you're great, nice swing."

Except only your mom is going to cheer for you when you hit a foul ball. Let's strip away the illusions early, you live in Beachwood, your industry-gone; your jobs — gone; your crack whore who used to let you play fill in the blank between her missing teeth — gone to Louisville, Kentucky where the real money is.

The decision to cancel the game was based on a letter written by Fred Engh.

In pertinent part, Engh marshals the persuasive powers of the English language to argue:

" All-Star games should be benched for several reasons:

• "It doesn’t take much to figure out that kids who mature quicker than others are going to be stronger, faster and probably more productive on the field. So, we’re simply recognizing players whose bodies have developed faster in many cases."

If recognizing bodies that have developed faster is the problem, we might as well eliminate 7th and 8th grade boys. Because they really have no other reason to live.

Beachwood Cancels All-Star Game to Raise Player's Self-Esteem [Fox 8 Cleveland]

Bench All-Star Games. Kids Will Thank You For It [North Star Pubs]