The most frequent email from ClayNation column readers since I said I was leaving CBS has been whether or not All That and a Bag of Mail will continue alongside the beaver pelt trader of the week. Fear not, we’re rolling. Every Friday we’ll do our best, like Matt Jones, to bring the goods.
For our inaugural beaver pelt trader of the week here at deadspin, we’re going straight to the commenters. Specifically to the earl of weaver who wrote on my first post: “Vlade Divac called. He wants his head back.” I have no idea who you are but because of you I’ve been Vlade in emails that my friends have sent to me all week. Well played, sir, well played, indeed.
Now on to an abbreviated first mailbag. It’s several less emails than normal because I’ve been trying to figure out what the hell I’m doing here. Sizing pictures, making sure links work? Prior to this email was about the extent of my technological expertise. For the first three days I felt like I was sandbagging on the Mississippi levees. Just when I’d get things figured out something new would erupt. Anyway, things should be rolling now. On to All That and a Bag of Mail.
Multiple people emailed and asked:
“Why the apostrophe, C’lay?”
Honestly, at first it was a mistake. I posted in response to Big Daddy Drew calling me a fag (even when everyone already knows he’s a double fag) and my name came up as Clay Travis. Which I thought made it look like I was somebody’s dad. So I went back to my log-in page and tried to change my posting name to C’lay. Only it changed everything else too. After that the Deadspin flood had already arrived and I didn’t take the time to fix it.
My affinity for unnecessary apostrophes in names made me kind of enjoy the look. Then somebody posted that putting an apostrophe in your name was racist. Which was so absurd I loved it. Is the question mark sexist? The semi-colon ageist? Anyway, with reader nominations we established the ClayNation Apostrophe Rankings (CAR). Right now here is the top 5.
2. Al'Lonzo Coleman
3. Tayl'r Hollis
4. Da'Veed Dildy
5. K’lee Arredondo
For a week at least I knew how it felt to have an apostrophe. And I loved it. Keep the new nominations coming. (For the record, two of these are white women.) Because the apostrophe knows no color and has no politics other than unconditional love.
“Do with this what you will."
So the South Carolina Tourism board chose to advertise, “South Carolina is so gay,” overseas to attract gay tourists and the people of South Carolina had a problem with this? Shocking. I’m sure that printed out versions of these signs won’t make any appearance whatsoever during the upcoming football season. My prediction: at least one visiting fan gets sliced to death with the shards of an oyster shell. Or quarterback Stephen Garcia goes Ulysses on them with one of his swords.
“I'm curious (not bi-curious, just regular curious) to know if you are planning on busting out your ‘SEC Rules, Pac-10 Drools’ banner for the UCLA game? Are you afraid it might jinx your Vols? If so, you could loan it to our flat-chested Georgia friends when they play Arizona State.”
If by “flat-chested Georgia friends” you mean the girls with the biggest tits in North America, then I wink and nod at your knowing sarcasm. I’ll be in LA for the game but unless my publisher wants to buy another banner I’m keeping quiet. Although, if I were an Arizona State fan and I wanted to go double agent as a way to get my team fired up? The banner sounds like a pretty good plan. Personally, I’d go with, “Hey Dawgs, Herschel is dog-fucking your wife right now. Enjoy Tempe.”
Joshua Smith writes:
“I'd like to be BGID again, but father time has caught up with me very early and I'm now BGID in another way...bald. My brother claims that having a beard with the razor shaven head is even more GID. I am skeptical. I can't decide if this is silly or truly GID.”
I’m coming around on the shaven head with beard look based on several emails but I’m still a bit skeptical. On the positive side you look like such a bad ass that there is no way anyone ever chooses to fight you. On the negative side, you might end up in a fight with a guy with a shaven head and no beard because he’s going to inevitably be at the bar with the chick wearing a blue jean jacket and combat boots in the summer and you’ll cut that chick at the bar when you’re trying to get a beer because she'll had bad vision on account of her hoodie. I guess what I’m saying is dudes with bald heads and beards roll with lesbians. Nothing wrong with that but be forewarned.