Jose Canseco is probably going to need some help with the fighting scenes in his grand Yuen Woo-ping-choreographed kung fu movie, because, well, dude can't fight. Last night he was dealt a first-round knockout at the fisted hands of former Philadelphia Eagles return man Vai Sikahema in Atlantic City.

Canseco - the man who gleefully turned baseball upside down with his tell-all steroid expose "Juiced" - did something he hardly ever does in public after weighing in at 248 pounds. He blinked.

"You better pack your lunch, 'cause I'm going to kick your ass," Sikahema growled. "I'm going to chop you down."

"We'll see bro," said Canseco, his eyes shifting side-to-side.

Update: Here's the video, courtesy You Been Blinded

Sorry you got your ass handed to ya, brah. Still, Jose got a $35,000 purse for what was only supposed to be a fight consisting of three two-minute rounds, all of which goes to the Shriveled Dick Fund of America. Meanwhile Sikahema got $25,000, $5,000 of which he's to the widow of a Philadelphia police sergeant killed in the line of duty. What a mensch.

With apologies to flubby...

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