STo keep the comments as fresh and outstanding as they've been up to this point, Commenting Guru Rob Iracane will write a bi-weekly Comment Ombudsman column. It runs every other week. This is that week. Mr. Iracane, co-proprietor of the brilliant Walkoff Walk , is also the guy who approves comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on.
We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.
So here's this week's column, about that odd little "disemvoweling" feature. Ever since I've been empowered with the ability to execute commenters, I've noticed that this power is both a blessing and a curse. Yes, I can get rid of some of the unfunny individuals who seek to wreak havoc on Deadspin's best posts with their inane dullness and I can banish the hyper-offensive jerkoffs to the land of Supermikes, but what to do with your typical Deadspin commenter who makes a single misstep with a rude comment? We wouldn't want someone with an otherwise excellent commenting history to be banned right away because he or she made one idiotic comment, would we?Luckily, I've been blessed with a new power, not unlike the time Rafael Palmeiro realized he could hit a baseball 25 feet further if he injected horse steroids into his trasero. It's called "disemvoweling" and it’s a gift from the good people at the Gawker Media Technical and Cosmetology Institute. By simply clicking a little button, I will be able to remove all of the vowels from any offending comment, rendering it nearly unreadable and slightly less distasteful. Look, I disemvoweled one of my own comments (for demonstrative purposes only…I never make distasteful comments). So what should you do if one of your comments gets disemvoweled? Simple: get back on the funny train and don’t be a jackass anymore. I’ll disemvowel only the worst ill-mannered comments as a warning shot but I will ban the person who continues to offend our sensibilities after the first disemvoweling. These commenters, however, piss excellence with their bon mots and have made the Comments of the Fortnight: Re: Vikings Punter Chris Kluwe’s Guitar Hero Skills Doyle McPoyle: "That's nothing, you should see Kevin Everett on Dance Dance Revolution." Re: The Olympic Rings Shaved Into Dirk Nowitzki’s Noggin Angry Honky: "Everybody's got this all wrong. It isn't a haircut at all. For the past 7 years, Dirk has been used as a nightstand by the Spurs and they put their championship rings on his head when they go to bed. They've been doing it for so long that the rings have worn impressions in his scalp.And yes, I realize that means all the Spurs sleep in the same bed. That was Ginobili's idea." Re: Sean Salisbury Taking a Back Seat to Emmitt Smith ChilledoutEntertainer: Finally someone who can feel my pain. I've been workin the night shift for 3 years now at the Omaha NB Wendy's , and in comes Eric Crouch, and OF COURSE he gets the prime daytime shifts. its so unfair, and all because of his name. And to satisfy your bloodthirst, here are your bi-weekly executions: Say Goodbye To: superHookie Why: Having the gall to post links to trite websites Say Goodbye To: BallsStateExplorer Why: Making a hack comment that expresses distaste at fantasy football on a post about fantasy football Say Goodbye To: DaOtter Why: Pointing out that the information Rick shared with us in a remaindered link had already been discussed three times by commenters earlier in the day. SORRY YOU DIDN’T GET PROPERLY CITED, DAOTTER.