Do you like games where the No. 1 team loses on the road? Well, too bad, because that game's not for a few weeks. Until then, we have a nice Pac 10 game between two "rivals" for you which will be over by mid-second quarter. We got ESPN's Chris Fowler, Jesse Palmer, and Craig James(er) in the box. We got Erin Andrews on the ground. But most importantly, we gotta jump to survive. * * *Fourth Quarter 12:28 — Erin's exclusive interview with Mike Riley was so exclusive, not even the cameraman could see it. They had to get one of the high-rise cameras to find her among the sea of orange and black. Maybe if she didn't dress herself in one of the team's colors, they wouldn't have this problem. Also, I thought ESPN had three cameras on Erin at any given time. So much for that theory. And this concludes tonight's game. (I don't know how to feel watching a college game and NOT have it be at least a 30-point blowout.) Thanks for following along, comrades. 12:27 — Mark Sanchez is now guilty of vandalism, as evidenced by the persistent cameraman. What'd he throw against that all? CLEAN THAT UP! 12:24 — Knee, meet turf. There's, like, an upset in the dainty town of Corvallis. And that paragraph just above this one seems wholly inaccurate right about now. The No. 1 team has just lost, and should feel bad for losing. Oregon State is now a lock to win the Pac-10, and perhaps the Big Ten as well. 12:22 — Erin Andrews wisely finds the spot on the field with the fewest fertile college males per square inch in Reser Stadium. Which is, somehow, the Oregon State bench. 12:20 — That took absolutely no time. Sanchez lobs a jumper to Patrick Turner for a 6-point game. Maybe everyone should climb back into their seats, at least for a couple of minutes. 21
2712:18 — Ick. I guess we can't say this is over yet. The PEOPLE IN ORANGE SHIRTS have already lined the outer walls of the stadium, poising to rush the field, but a big return puts the USC on the right side of the 50-yard line. and There are still over two minutes remaining. 12:16 — NOBODY BEATS THE QUIZZ! Touchdown Beavs. Extra point donks off the goalposts and will not count as a point. 14
2712:14 — You might think it's a comeback now ♬ You might think it's true ♬ Sanchez got intercepted ♬ First down OSU. Ric Ocasek, everybody! Thanks for stopping by in the Deadspin Liveblog, LLC booth. Ric Ocasek, everyone. 12:14 — Well, it's something. USC nabs a first down right at the 14-yard line. 12:12 — A nasty (the good kind, not the bad kind) of punt forces USC to go quite far with just the one timeout and 3:15 left on the official clock. 12:11 — They need a third down conversion, but ... nope, The Quizz doesn't make it to the fictitious yellow line. Still ... HE'S THE QUIZZ! NOBODY BEATS HIM!
12:07 — Uh-oh. Rey Maualuga is on the ground and not getting up by himself. Looks like a leg problem. 12:06 — The Quizz might still get 200 yards if this keeps up. 12:04 — Radical thinking here. Hand it off to Jacquizz Rogers and squeeze seconds off the clock. (Also, the Mets won.) 12:01 — Using knowledge from the Jean Van De Velde School Of Laying Up, USC runs a little screen to McKnight to give his punter more room, then kicks away, hoping to get a stop. 5:40 left in the night. 11:59 — First a holding penalty. Then LOUDNESS!! disrupts the ball prior to the snap. Then EVEN MORE LOUDER!!!1 causes an incompletion. It's 2nd and 20. 11:57 — Sean Sehnem's kick travels about the length and height of a T-ball single, but you'll have that when it's blocked. Now USC has seven minutes to travel 76 yards for a touchdown. Both teams have three timeouts. 11:56 — They're almost in field position. Just run the ball and get yourselves a field goal. Nope, instead USC breaks up the short pass and the clock stops. 11:54 — Some slick-looking reverse from OMG BROTHER TO BROTHER nets Oregon State all of one-and-a-half yards. 11:52 — Aw, hell. Footage of a pizza place in a college town? What a goddamn tease you are, ESPN. It might not be too late for me to drive down to Bowling Green and grab me some Pollyeyes breadsticks. 11:48 — PEOPLE ARE IN ORANGE SHIRTS YELLING AT OTHER THINGS. They're all on the field in nickel coverage, right? Or do they only still have 11 people on defense? Either way, they stopped the Trojans stone cold on a three-and-out near the 10-yard line. 11:45 — Hey, there may not be much going on for the OSU offense, but freshman punter Johnny Hekker kicked the shit out of that ball down to near the 5-yard line. 11:41 — Moevao begins the series with a great touch throw to Morales. Something tells me they can't milk 12 minutes off the clock, but they can at least get enough yards so they can kick a damn field goal for once. Yes, they have the lead. But they have put a few points off their own board because of sputtering near the red zone. 11:38 — OSU fair catches the punt with perhaps nobody within 10 yards of him. Nice 'n safe. 11:37 — Mark Sanchez again seems to bat away defenders using nothing except his pinky finger. Beavers are having trouble wrapping up Trojans tonight. 11:35 — A failed long third down (that should have been caught) led to a punt to Joe McKnight (that should've been caught). Basically what I'm trying to say is these college kids couldn't catch a metaphor if it hit them in the simile. Third Quarter 11:31 — I hope you enjoyed the third quarter because there's no more of it. 11:30 — The OSU fans don't like the false start penalty, but I have to admit I am appreciating the balanced officiating by head referee Hank Hill. 11:27 — Moevao was pressured and tried to dump the ball away ... and that was damn close to an interception. Clearly the defender stepped out of bounds and couldn't get control of the ball because he was distracted by ALL THE ORANGE T-SHIRTS. The officials will review to see if the t-shirts did in fact cause the failed interception. And and the ruling? Yes they did. 11:26 — Big first down catch by Shane Morales. Beavers know how to catch balls when it matters most. 11:22 — Okay, I don't drink alcohol and even I know you don't keep ALL your Coronas on ice with limes stuck in them. 11:18 — So there we have it. It's a game now. Sanchez to Williams for the long touchdown. OR MAYBE IT'S OUT AT THE ONE! They're going to find out for sure. Of course it was a touchdown. Shame on you for questioning it. 14
2111:16 — Another first down. God ... I want to fit pre-formed blocks into spaces in an attempt to clear lines so bad right now. 11:14 — USC's little fight song ditty sounds like it would belong in a puzzle video game. 11:12 — A commercial featuring John Cena and Gillette razors. You know, upon closer inspection, I don't think he actually shaved his face. Looks like it was staged to me. 11:10 — A quick pitch to Rodgers fails. Craig James said that'd work on any other team, but not with USC's speed. (As evidenced by those 100+ rushing yards in the first half, natch.) 11:08 — Hmm. Jacquizz Rodgers should have 200 yards by now, according to my ESPN Hype-O-Meter. Instead he only has 128 on 25 carries. Furthermore, "Jacquizz" is very hard to type. 11:05 — "Pressure on the Oregon State offense." So, there's pressure on the Beavers. And their vaginas. 11:02 — Strike the strike. Sanchez hits Ronald Johnston. Not literally. A literal hit would be silly. No, it's slang for "reception." They're on the board. 7
2110:59 — Strike that. A foul of the personal variety — at least it was heartfelt — and the Trojans move back many yards. 10:57 — And USC's moving it. Like, really well. 10:54 — Tables. Turning! OSU starts with the ball and can't get a first down. So goes the punt. 10:52 — Oh, look, the game's starting back up. Did you get the hyper nonsense-spewing kid out of your system? I hope so, but don't worry, he won't bother you again until he does next week's Dr. Lou segment. Dr. Lou's Advice If you don't like his segment, get yourself murdered at night by driving with your lights off. Also, what's the deal with those bags of pretzels they give you on airplanes? You can't get them open! Update: I just got a list of actual advice Lou Holtz gave Urban Meyer that didn't make the final cut:
Halftime Entertainment Here's a find. A young AJ Daulerio tests out his webcam:
That kid went on to rush for 96 yards against USC. Second Quarter 10:29 — A harmless kickoff play winds the clock down. Clay was right! This is shaping up to be a blowout! 10:25 — Rodgers are, like, everywhere, man! Moevao's pass is almost intercepted, instead tipped, and eventually caught by the elder Rodgers (James). Oh, and USC still got a personal foul in there somewhere. OR IS IT? They're reviewin' it. Yes. Yes, it is a touchdown. 0
2110:24 — After the third down if-we-miss-we-kick play, USC continues the half with a roughing call. They really do want to lose this, don't they? 10:23 — So it's practically official. USC gets shut out in the first half. 10:18 — So that's what it takes to tackle him behind the line ... hope the ref thinks his knee hit the ground. In that case it didn't, but his helmet did fly off and he would have kept on running. The kid is putting up the best running display I've personally watched all year. In all fairness, that's not saying much, so I'll give him more credit by saying it's the best running display that's ever been seen in a college football game in this world or another. There. I hope I didn't overdo it. 10:17 — Wouldya believe it ... another screen pass. Jacquizz makes more cuts than an emo YouTube video and brings it down inside the 10-yard line. He was tackled from behind. No horse collar? 10:16 — Stroughter reaches and catches right before being tackled mercilessly. "He took a blow," says the announcer. Blow. And he plays for the Beavers. In conclusion, vagina. 10:13 — If Jacquizz Rodgers was a World of Warcraft weapon, he'd be a +5 Mythic Back of Running. Instant extra five yards with every touch. He already has 113 yards on 16 touches. 10:09 — McKnight runs the "wrinkle" (!?!) and gets stopped behind the line, so he just decides to drop the ball behind him in the hopes that nobody noticed. Unfortunately, about four OSU defenders noticed. And that's a turnover. 10:07 — Now Stafon Johnson hits the outside seam for a big gain. Just kidding, a penalty brings 'em back. 10:06 — And now USC finally decides to start playing. After a CJ Gable first down, Sanchez completely passes through a blitzing defender, then steps up and hits Damian Williams downfield. 10:03 — The OSU band is making this place crunk with The Offspring while the officials confirm that, no, USC didn't catch and fumble the ball that would result in a 21-0 lead. 10:01 — Something stood out to Craig James that Oregon State rarely loses when they don't turnover the ball. This is in stark contrast to all other teams, who win more games when they have five or more interceptions and fumbles. 10:00 — Ah, footage of a college kid cheering with a Silver Bullet in his hand. Proving once again that only ESPN is allowed to air commercials for beer. 9:58 — There we have it again. Another touchdown. Fowler: "Caught in a beaver trap." Haha, because, vagina! 0
149:56 — A solid catch by Stroughter to set up a first and goal. Stroughter's name looks like it needs to be shorter for an easy-to-say disyllabic name. 9:53 — Another 12 yards. This is going to be one of those games where Jacquizz Rodgers goes nuts for about 200 yards, then I keep thinking in my mind that this will be a good player, and he'll be disappointing for his entire career. That's what I thought of Cincinnati quarterback Gino Guidugli when I saw him play his freshman year. Where else are you going to get a Gino Guidugli-Jacquizz Rodgers comparison other than this live blog? Answer: at least eight other sports blogs. (There's like a million of those damn things out there.) 9:50 — Mixing it up further, they gain about five yards on a lateral screen pass. Any other types of screens they can draw up? Tight end screen? Porch door screen? 9:49 — Craig James agrees they're mixing it up. Except for the traditional pass, of course, which is the key to "mixing" the plays up. 9:48 — When Mike Riley wants to mix it up with "running back screen," he can call "running back run." 9:44 — An offsides penalty helps, but Sanchez can't scramble all the way to the first down line. Punt me. 9:43 — Direct snap to Joe McKnight? Nope, that one didn't work either. 9:42 — Chris Fowler: "The Beavers drove 60 yards on their first drive." Ha! Because ... vaginas can't drive! Ah, whatever. Sanchez gets tackled on first down. First Quarter 9:38 — Two consecutive 3rd and 1s, and Havili just barely makes it, although he looked stopped. And those were your first 15 minutes. 9:37 — Oh, I love that sight of fans lining up around the stadium for tickets, and people camping out and resting on the goddamn train tracks. Your move, Charles Darwin. 9:37 — An OSU holds up a sign that says "NOISE," which by itself makes none. 9:34 — No joy there. A third down sack forces a punt, but the kick does stick and bounce safely near the 5-yard line, which is where USC has to start and try for some kind of a first down. 9:32 — Honestly, why does Mike Riley need to call any play other than "running back screen?" It keeps working for eight, nine, or more yards. 9:31 — Oh, damn, a huge hit by Kevin Ellison on first down. Are they sure any of his fingers didn't graze the backside of Rodgers? No? All right, second down then. 9:29 — Another horse collar call, this time on Jacquizz Rodgers. Smart point by the dudes in the booth: he's so small, he's nothing but collar. 9:27 — Big third down catch by Sammie Stroughter, which is perhaps one of KISS's most underrated songs. 9:25 — Ahh! BEAVER STADIUM AGAIN! ... Oh, that time it actually was referring to Penn State's home, in a teaser to their coverage of the game against Illinois on Saturday. 9:24 — Wow, another USC punt. It's not going to keep going like this, right? Because I wasn't expecting to live blog an actually good football game. 9:23 — Reese's is taking a hardline stance on global warming, claiming all the peanut butter cups will melt if the temperature keeps going up. Even the ones in my fridge? 9:22 — Maybe it's because it's a slant rhyme, but every time they say "Reser Stadium" it sounds like they're saying "Beaver Stadium," which is Penn State's football stadium. Or maybe I just like imagining people on TV say "Beaver." 9:19 — Oh, Erin Andrews is wearing all black, just like the pants of the Oregon State team. She must be biased toward them. 9:18 — I'm not believing these two are brothers. How do parents go naming babies from "James" to "Jacquizz?" If the Sarah Palin family taught us anything, it's either all normal or all batshittily goofy names. Not a mixture. 9:15 — Yep, that's a touchdown. And now we have points on the board! Oh man, wait 'til you see my sexy, sexy icons for the liveblog scoreboard. These are extremely naughty, I tells ya: 0
7Aw, dammit. Stupid new fangled auto-censoring image uploading system. 9:13 — The Beaver was horse collared at the 1-yard line. Or ... wait, it's a touchdown actually. It's all the same. But now they're reviewing it. 9:10 — James Rodgers, Jacquizz's older brother, got some good yards on a screen pass. I have no joke on his name. 9:08 — Consequently, OSU's quarterback is Lyle Moevao. His last name sounds like a writtten promise made by a giant rock statue. If it's OK with you guys, I'm just going to riff on the OSU player names until there's a definitive conclusion to the game. 9:07 — Oregon State's running back is freshman Jacquizz Rodgers. Jacquizz sounds like a product athletes use to enhance their vocabulary. 9:05 — USC is beginning with the ball. With 11 guys in orange and tens of thousands more in the stands, they won't know who will tackle them. They get stopped on a three-and-out. 9:02 — It's an "orange out" in the stands. A trendy move, given that Mark Sanchez has a known fear of Vitamin C and is a staunch proponent of scurvy. 9:01 — Erin Andrews interviews Pete Carroll on the field. Either his herpes came back or the coach just fired up the team by eating a double fudge cupcake and NOT WIPING HIS FACE BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT CHAMPIONS DO NOW GO OUT THERE AND KICK THEIR ASS!
Pre-Game Babble God, it seems so long ago — 12 days in fact — that I last did one of these lively blogs. If I recall, it was USC playing OSU in a much-anticipated rout. Thankfully this is a completely different game. So I'm back, but not for insight. For the learn-ed, football-y knowledge, see Travis comma Clay. For everything else, the question is just how many Trojans-Beavers jokes will be on the table for us today. So Fleshbot editor and even-I-don't-know-what-the-hell-he's-doing-here-either Deadspin contributor Dashiell Bennett says he's too good for such jokes? He's above them? Well, maybe he sees the joke opportunities so much every day, that he's desensitized to them. So if he's saying there was a pro golfer named Herbert Penis, he wouldn't make the joke. He also wouldn't swing at a Kyle Farnsworth fastball with the bases loaded and a 3-1 count, because he's a gentleman like that. For those of us sports fans who are susceptible to the dick joke once — maybe twice — a day while alone in our bathrooms, this is all we really have between our continued ruts of slacking off at work and yelling at children who live nearby. Don't take it away from us. Now, show 'em your Bingo face, weird random blonde guy from Office Space: