• Whatever keeps my family from talking to each other: They should definitely take the Thanksgiving Day game away from the Lions. Or not. Either way, I'll be drunk on cranberry sauce. [Sports Climax + Examiner]

• Not begin in jail helps Is Matt Ryan the MVP? It's kind of sad when "he hasn't knowingly abused a defenseless animal" is a legitimate selling point. [SportsPolitik]

• I am nonplussed: Congratulations to these players for being the most statistically average players in all of Major League Baseball. They should be very content with their mediocrity. [Mouthpiece Sports]

• Mark Brunell is your new bicycle: Simply thinking about the Don James Era of Washington football has been known to cause brain tumors to spontaneously heal. [Sports Northwest]

• Hey, there's a baby on the table!: Is it hypocritical for the NBA to denounce gambling and then take advertising from casinos? I say we let this next spin of the roulette wheel decide. [Slam Online]

Send an email to Dashiell Bennett, the author of this post, at dashiell@deadspin.com.