Well, after a recent appearance on Adam Carolla's podcast, at least one of his wishes was granted. The Arena transcribed and dissected the Simmons episode in which our plucky Sports Fella gets to flex his scat muscles on myriad topics such as masturbation, bachelor party etiquette, gay jokes, and plenty of other things that would never make it past the B.S. Report censors.
Here are a few snippets of raw, poop-happy Simmons:
• "You don't want to be thinking about this poor dude who's trapped in a bathroom, smelling like somebody's shit the whole night."
• "See, you didn't go to college, so you missed out on–and I talked about this the other day, on a podcast–how fucking disgusting the bathrooms are."
• "You're just like, ‘Yeah, I'm going to go take a pee,' and, like, stall one, covered in shit. Stall two, puke and shit. Stall three, just puke. Stall four, maybe I can wipe down the pee and sit on it."
The Aristocrats! For the most part, it's harmless, Carolla-style subject matter, but I have a feeling the ESPN higher-ups won't be too pleased with Simmons participating in this type of homo-bashing humor:
The discussion turns to the Oscars, and the inevitable Oscar-winning movie pitches these two are famous for, around the 11:30 mark. Simmons comes up with Brokeback Secret Admirer, about two male best friends falling in love, and then Carolla pitches what turns into Just One of the Gays, a Shia LaBeouf vehicle with him attending Harvey Milk High School, a highly-respected private school, and falling in love with a cross-dressing Dakota Fanning.
Well, we'll see what happens. After a week in which Simmons penned one of the best columns he's ever written, maybe ESPN will go easy on him.
Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin's Recession Saturdays. Tomorrow, Dashiell Bennett will be reporting to you live while marathon brunching. Good times.