Love Twitter, do you? Think it's all the rage? Well, let me tell you a story about Twitter that will SHOCK AND ALARM YOU.
For the past month or so, your editor at large took it upon himself (with the help of trusted companion Gourmet Spud) to create the "Rick Rielly" Twitter feed. Our goal: to test the outermost limits of obvious punnage, dental humor, old lame catchphrases, and stories about snowshoe racing champions who have no legs.
Some might say this was a mean-spirited attempt to rip on Rick Reilly and shed light on his obvious shortcomings. Well, it was. BUT DAMMIT, THAT WAS WHAT MADE IT FUN. So imagine my dismay when I found this message waiting for me from Twitter today:
This account is currently suspended and is being investigated due to strange activity. If we have suspended your account mistakenly, please let us know. See Suspended Accounts for more information.
That's right. You may think Twitter is just a fun little lark. But what you don't know is that THEY CAN SNEAK IN AND STEAL YOUR PRECIOUS ACCOUNT FROM YOU WITHOUT EXPLANATION IN AN ACT OF EXTRAORDINARY WEB RENDITION.
Why was the account suspended? Well, apparently because impersonating people violates Twitter's terms of service (like I read that fucking thing). Okay, fine. I could see that being not kosher with the folks there. EXCEPT THAT WE PURPOSELY SPELLED RICK REILLY'S FUCKING NAME WRONG ON THE ACCOUNT AND ANYONE WHO THOUGHT THAT WAS ACTUALLY RICK REILLY WAS A FUCKING MORON, LIKE THIS ASSHOLE:
KardiacKeith@RickRielly Why do you worry so often about other people? Bill Simmons has a much better outlook on pop culture than you do. True Story.
Clearly, either Reilly, or someone at ESPN, or some Rick Reilly fanboy finally put two and two together and alerted Twitter to the naughtiness of our little project.
But let me tell you something, Twitter. You may have shut us down, but you can't stop kickass phony Twitter feeds from springing up. And you know why? BECAUSE A PHONY TWITTER FEED IS FIFTY TIMES MORE INTERESTING THAN SOME RANDOM FUCKFACE'S "LEGITIMATE" ACCOUNT. BECAUSE ACTUAL TWITTERING IS GAY.
Consider this the beginning of the end of your little fad, Twitter. You fucked with the wrong man. I'm gonna start a new site that allows users to post updates that are 150 characters long. That's right. TEN MORE CHARACTERS. And you know what will happen then? YOU WILL BE FUCKED. FUCKED IN THE ASS. AND THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO TWEET TO ALL YOUR RETARD FRIENDS, "HELP, I'M BEING FUCKED IN THE ASS!"
Because let's face it: Tweeting is nothing more than blogging for children, the elderly, the mentally retarded, and Ashton Kutcher. Someone's gonna find a way to do what you do better. They might even have the foresight to allow obvious satire. AND THEN YOUR QUIRKY LITTLE UPSTART WON'T BE WORTH JACK SHIT, YOU FUCKS.
And Reilly, if I find out it was YOU behind this, I will be rougher on you than Russian toilet paper. Say, didn't you use that Russian toilet paper gag in your last column? Why yes, you sure did. BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING OVERPAID HACK.
Until then, here are some of Spud's and my favorite bogus Rielly Tweets.
These days, with true sports heroes becoming harder to find than Salman Rushdie, guys like Davis Love III are just all the more impressive.
They have the Audacity of Rope. They're the Squaw Valley Junior College tug of war team.
Darren Frank didn't listen when they said he was too short to play basketball. Or when they said he had lupus.
Simmons is just a blogger. I go out and find stories. Like the story of Anji Sawat, who plays cricket with a wooden arm.
Tiger coming back? PGA Tour commish Tim Finchem must be saying DON'T TEASE ME, BRO!
Eight-time World Boomerang Association champion Keith Murdock is always quick with a comeback!
Former Oriole Doug Russo is proving there is life after baseball. As CEO of "Russo Bros. Erotic Pizza", he's literally rolling in the dough!
10.4 ppg may not seem extraordinary. But from a feral child raised by wolves? Meet the Nuggets' Linas Kleiza - howl do you like him now?
I hear John McCain doesn't find my jokes about the economy funny. Gives me an idea for my next book: "Hate Mail from NEAR-Leaders"!
So the Skins aren't interested in TO? C'mon, Dan Snyder! You spend money like Elton John at the wig shop!
There's brave. Then there's Don Teed brave. Never heard of him? Not surprising, considering he's always shunned the limelight and he's dead.
Joe Maddon doesn't think the way typical managers think, and that might make him the most devilish Ray of them all.
RIP, Rick Rielly. May Twitter die of syphilis and burn in Hell.