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May 27, 2009 12:00 PM
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Our Deadcast guest this week is none other than Martellus Bennett: tight end for the Dallas Cowboys, expert blogger and renowned Twitter fiend.
I was going to ask Marty B about trying to get playing time behind Jason Witten. I was going to ask him about the Cowboys incredible collapse against Philly in Week 17. I was going to ask him if Tony Romo will always be a choker. But I didn't. Mainly I asked him about chicken and fat women. We even played a game of "Healthy Fat or Unhealthy Fat" with famous buxom women. And frankly, that sort of analysis is far more in line with my expertise.
But there's more. Oh, so much more. Some choice quotes from Marty B…
On history: "It all started with the hobos."
On working as a lifeguard: "I don't do CPR. Once I get you out of the water, you're on your own after that."
On his taste in women: "Black men… we like ASS."
On Reggie Bush's woman, Kim Kardashian: "The butt is fake… they inserted throw pillows."
On salmon: "Most black people don't even know what salmon looks like."
On his physique: "I won the azz contest… I deserve a Bowflex commercial."
On eating dog: "I had dog at a Chinese restaurant one time." (Marty B also tells the story of Filipino neighbors who once stole all the neighborhood dogs and barbecued them. THAT'S NOT VERY NEIGHBORLY.)
On Oprah: "(Oprah) got enough money where she could buy real hair… she got enough like Magic Johnson getting over AIDS. She got enough money where she could find the cure for hair growth."
On TO's lame Twitter: "TO has the lamest Twitter."
On dating: "I would go Dutch. Or French."
On dinosaurs: "WHO THE HELL KNOW WHAT DINOSAURS SOUND LIKE? NO ONE WAS AROUND! THEY MIGHTA SOUNDED LIKE DOGS."
Goddamn right, they might have. We also talk about why black people can't swim, ugly groupies, having a shark in your bedroom, Marty B's psychic abilities, and the size of the Jack in the Box drive thru menu, which really is fucking huge…
AND THAT'S JUST A SINGLE QUADRANT OF IT!
This week's podcast is available for your listening pleasure right here. You can also find the new Deadcast in the iTunes Music Store here. Marty B's manager also wanted me to plug their series of social events called The Socialite, which I almost certainly would never be allowed into. Special thanks to Liberated Syndication for hosting us. Got an email you want read over the air? Send it to me here. Now sit back, relax, and listen as Marty B puts me on hold four times to talk to Marcus Spears. SPEARS!!!!!!!
/shakes fist
Send an email to Drew Magary, the author of this post, at drew@deadspin.com.
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