I Wonder What Kind Of Clever Anti-Kobe Shirts Orlando Has In Store?

Probably nothing as incendiary as the "Our Turn To Rape Kobe" t-shirt worn by this female Nuggets fan, but I hope for the best. Although it's probably highly unlikely if any Magic fans share the diminutive right brain size of Orlando Sentinel columnist Mike Bianchi.

I hate to skewer columnists from regional newspapers unless they really, really deserve it, but this is one of the lamest goddamn things I've ever read in my entire life. (Also in play here: it's too nice outside for me to be sitting here on this couch, so I might be more annoyed by that more than anything else. I'm aware of this. Moving on...)

Now Orlando isn't used to winning at championship level on a regular basis so the premise of penning a seminal column to commemorate such an occasion is one most of its writers are probably ill-equipped to bang out on short deadline. I still pity the Magic fans left with this putrid crap for their championship scrap books. This column has it all: tired cliches, rhapsodic platitudes, rhymes, autistic children as good luck charms, emphasis by way of silly repetition, horrible puns, and imaginary curses.

Oh and column title: "Magic Task: Beat LA!" Of course it is.

Here are some of the more noteworthy snippets of uninspired shit-stained ugh:

•"LeBron is LeGone and now the Orlando Magic - your Orlando Magic, our Orlando Magic, the entire sports world's Orlando Magic - are going to the NBA Finals."

• "You heard me: the Magic are going to the NBA Finals"

• "Witness this: Orlando Magic 103, Cleveland LeBrons 90?"

• "I'm sorry, who was the MVP?"

• "So long, all the jokes and jabs about Orlando being a Mickey Mouse franchise that once hired a hockey player to run a basketball team."

• "Mission accomplished."

•" It's been a long time since we felt this way about the Magic. Too long. Too many years, too many tears, too-many-crying-in-our-beers. We've endured the abandonment of Shaq and the desertion of T-Mac. We've experienced Weisbrod the bad cop and Billy with his flip-flop."

• "Let's make 7-year-old Gina Marie Incandela, the little autistic girl who sang the national anthem Saturday night, the official good luck charm of the city. The Magic are now a perfect 6-0 when she sings."

• "What about Orlando's tortured sports past? What about the Magic losing the biggest free-agent departure (Shaq) in sports history and signing the biggest free-agent bust ( Grant Hill) in sports history? What about Penny's palace coup? And who will ever forget that sad, depressing day when the Orlando Solar Bears folded?"

• "Say good night to LeBron vs. Kobe."

• "LeBron is LeGone."

• "Bring on the Lakers."

• "California, here they come."

Now let me go grab some lunch before I start opening up my own forehead with two salad forks. (Sorry for linking to that again.)

Magic Task: Beat LA! [Orlando Sentinel]

Send an email to A.J. Daulerio, the author of this post, at ajd@deadspin.com.

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