Penguin Party Freakout At Mario Lemieux's Mansion

This is my favorite part about the post-NHL season is to see what wacky things the champions do with Lord Stanley's precious cup. The Penguins turned it into a pool noodle at King Mario's castle.

Look at the size of this place. He has to have ponies and lemurs running around on that property. Latvian princes could get married there, if they just so happened to be in Sewickley, Pa.

And now they hit the pool. I imagine floating blissfully in a hockey legend's pool, head resting on the Stanley Cup on a warm June evening, would be totally exceptional on 'shrooms.

Seriously, like, exceptional.

Who do you think has a better chance of answering a simple multiplication question: The bimbsy on the left, Malkin, the wide-eyed teenager, or Malkin's hat.

Okay, if the kids swam near me while I was on 'shrooms, chilling with the Stanley Cup in the pool, then I'd probably lose my shit and drown. Just way too much to handle.

So I'd jump out of the pool, raid Lemieux's wine cellar, but then probably freak myself out even more because I'd be afraid some Eyes Wide Shut-like dude in a robe would sneak up behind me and ask me what the password is. I'd be all like, Fidellio? Feed-ello? Figaro? What is it? Then I'd faint. Anyway, thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. Sing out loud to this.